Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Sens and Pens Preview: Why, Yes. I Would Love Some Kool-Aid, Now That You Mention It!


Gawd, I'm in agony. I've started this thing, deleted it and started again four times already. My fingers keep typing the wrong words and I can't make them stop!

So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to let my brain decide. I don't mean that in a "I'll think about this in a calm and rational manner and logic will eventually prevail" kind of way either, but my actual two pound jelly sack of neurons, axons, myelin sheaths and other medicine-y goodness.

The human brain is divided into two hemispheres, the left, embodying as it does the analytical mind, and the right, purveyor of passion, and emotion (some people, whom some may call "scientists" will dispute this theory, but as listening to them would serve me no purpose here, we will refer to them as "godless heathens". Besides, the booze is running out, so I gotta get this done) . I'll let them decide. Gentlemen, you have the floor...

Right: So, uh, who do you like?

Left: Well, I'm not really sure. Looking at the records, I'd have to say that --

Right: What? What the hell does the record have to do with it? This is the playoffs man!

Left: Yeah, but I'm just sayin'...they finished ahead of us by quite a bit and--

Right: Ah, that's crap man. WE were the Beasts of the East for three quarters of the season, not these little punks. Seriously, look at 'em. Brittney Spears has more pubic hair than their top two lines combined. Trust me, I've seen the pictures. Well, of her anyway. GUH! Besides, you heard the boys today. Clean slate! New season! Anything can happen!

Left: Um...okay. Then let's look at it by position. Start with the goalies. Gerber hasn't exactly been--

Right: Oh, here we go. Slights against the Swiss.

Left: Please don't interrupt me again. It's very ru--

Right: "Euros can't win when it counts". Is that it? You know what you are? You're racist. How does that feel? Racist.

Left: Seriously. Stop it. I've told you before, that really pisses me off.

Right: Sorry. I'll stop. Racist.

Left: Anyway, Gerber hasn't stopped a beach ball since January. Always out of position on the rebound, and other than absolutely sucking in his first and only two playoff starts with Carolina, which he blamed on a "cold", he hasn't faced the kind of pressure that goes with a playoff series in a Canadian market.

Right: What, and Fleury has some wonderful, magical edge because he's Canadian? When I look at his history, it's not exactly a glitter with post season success either. Remember last year? We got in his kitchen and he fell apart. So screw you. Racist.

Left: *sigh*... Alright, let's talk defence. Remember our old football coach? "Defence wins championships son!" Well, we--

Right: Did he say that before or after he tried to touch us?

Left: WHAT?? He never...what the hell, dude? Jesus Christ. Seriously. Where did that come from?

Right: Just seeing if you were paying attention.

Left: Yes. Well. Back to the point at hand, which was...um...defence! Right. My point is, we don't have any. Other than Phillichenkov, we got squat. Commodore is too slow and doesn't know where he's supposed to be half the time, Lee is too young, Luke is too old, and Reds and Mesz are pathetic excuses for "professionals" who will be shipped out of town the very second the clock strikes 12:01 a.m. on July 1st.

Right: Oh, very nice. Look at you, and your fancy logic. Who have they got that we should be afraid of, eh? Gonchar? Sydor? You wanna talk about old. Hell, they were so desperate for blue line help that they went out and traded for Hal Gill. Hal Gill!! A LEAF! You have to be pretty pathetic when you look to Toronto as the cure to what ails ya.

Left: Then let's talk forwards. Crosby, Malkin, Hossa...*shudder*...Roberts? And what about us? Alfie, Fish, Kelly...all out. You have to admit--

Right: I don't have to admit nothin'! Screw you with your admitting, brain! Crosby and Malkin will fold just like--

Left: They've got another year under their belts. They're not the same as--

Right: So now your interrupting me?? SHUT UP! They're kids! They're not ready yet! And Roberts is 112 years old! Sooner or later he'll realize that and just fall apart, right there on the ice! Poof, gone, in a cloud of dust and dentures. As for Hossa...Mother Mario will rue the day he gave up the only Sens killer he had in Colby Armstrong for Hossa's Gor-Tex groin. And we gave him up, remember? And why? Because he vanished when it counted! Just like all the other foreigners we've ever had!

Left: Who's being racist now?

Right: Oh, shut the hell up. I don't want to listen to you anymore.

Left: Fine. Screw you!

Right: What happened to "stoic, unemotional one", eh? You look pretty emotional to me.

Left: You know what? You're an idiot! There, I said it! You won't do the dishes, your room is a fucking pig sty, I'm pretty sure we have mice living in our couch because of all the food you leave lying around...and you have no fucking clue how this is going to play out! You're just going with knee jerk reactions and blind loyalty! So here's my final pick. The winner is--

Right: Yeah, well at least I'm not bailing on my team! Traitor! Racist traitor! You don't know shit about playoff hockey because you don't know how big "heart" and "will" and "grit" are! All you care about are the cold hard numbers that don't give you any measure of the man inside!

Left: Are you done? Have you gotten off the pipe yet? Good. The winner of this series is--

Right: Racist traitor.

Left: STOP INTERRUPTING ME!! FUCK! The winner of this series will be Pittsburgh in fi-OOF!

Right: SHUT UP! SHUT THE HELL UP! That's it! This...ugh...ball gag is going...argh...on and *oof* ...staying on until you start talking sense!

Left: Mph! Mphfft! MMPPFFFTMPEPHHFFT!

Right: You heard it here first folks. Sens in six. Thank you for joining us. Now back to you, Bob.

4 comments:

Quasi-Anonymous Penguins Fan said...

Alfie's not a foreigner?

It's hard to get over the loss of Corvo and Preissing, I know. But we won't miss them.

Funny what can happen to players when you take them out of Toronto.

Your preview's about as inspired as your team. I haven't read it, but I'm going to say Sherry's is better.

I'm sorry, I meant..... ^_^. That is all.

PPP said...

Sherry's goes with numbers, you go with hilarity. I like the Yin-Yang balance of the two.

Also, I better start reading this at work because I couldn't stop laughing everytime Mr. Emotions called Mr. Logic a racist. Nothing gets in a logically person's face like calling them a racist.

Oh, and Gerber didn't have a 'cold' he just sucked. Enjoy the 5 playoff games that you have been allotted by the hockey gods ;)

Anonymous said...

I agree with Murray, we have to think of Heatley as a weapon and in these desperate times consider all options open to us. I'm thinking Dany, a case of vodka coolers,and taking a little driving trip around the capital with Crosby, Malkin, and Hossa to show them the capital sights, oh and in a Ford Pinto. That's the only way we're getting to round 2. Pens in 4 (with the Sens scoring only 2 goals in the final game; a 5-2 romp). Yay Summer's here!, yay!!

Jaredoflondon said...

numbers are good, but hilarity keeps em comin' back. Not to knock Sherry or anything.

I may be a bit biased though, my own site isn't exactly adorned with statistics and those wacky 'fact' things.