Friday, September 26, 2008

That Tingling Sensation In Your Pants? That's Hockey, Baby!

I can almost smell it. Can you? A mix of sweat, blood, beer, hope, elation, terror...popcorn. And that's just my Lazy-Boy.

We're almost there kids. Two games left in the Silly Season (please no owies...please no owies), home-and-home against Les Habitants, then the winged metal tube for the long awaited chance to kick Sidney Crysby and the freshly eviscerated Penguins right in the umlauts. Oh yeah...good times.

While I'll wait to see who gets on the plane Sunday afternoon before doing up my season preview in the manner to which you both have become accustomed, I thought I'd throw out the projected regular season line combos as imagined by Don Brennan, resident purveyor of crappy rumours and general bon vivant at the Ottawa Sun. For the first time in this blog's recorded history, Mr. Brennan and your humble scribe are somewhat in agreement:

Foligno-Cody Bass-McAmmond/Donovan

Ladies and gentlemen, please direct your attention to the 4th line centre, highlighted here for your reading convenience. Have your credit cards ready. Operators are standing by.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Claude Lemieux Would Like To Be Punched In The Face One Last Time

Photo: Getty Images

Other than a never ending obsession with finding the perfect poutine, my French Canadian upbringing also lent me the absolutely perfect turn of phrase to describe people so maddening, so infuriating, goddamn loathsome...that without it, one is reduced to inarticulate grunting and wild arm gestures whenever that person's name is uttered in polite company: Il y a une face a bûcher dedans. Loosely translated, it means His very face just makes you want to cave it in with a Buick. By way of demonstration, compare and contrast, if you will, the following exchanges:

Exchange #1:
Dude #1: So, I hear Claude Lemieux wants to try a comeback.
Dude #2: What?? That bastard?? He's 43 years old!
Dude #1: I take it you're not a fan?
Dude #2: He's just such...he a fucking...God I...I mean...plbbttt!!! huhhhnnn! He just...hate him so...GAAAAAHH!! Accidentally punches passing smokin'-hot waitress in face with frustrated arm swing.
Exchange #2:
Dude #1: So, I hear Claude Lemieux wants to try a comeback.
Dude #2: What?? That bastard?? He's 43 years old!
Dude #1: I take it you're not a fan?
Dude #2: His very face makes me want to cave it in with a Buick. Passing smokin'-hot waitress, so impressed with your command of the hyperbolic metaphor, slips you her phone number. And that of her twin sister.
See? As the French also say...Le mot juste! And it perfectly encapsulates my feelings when I hear that Claude Lemieux is indeed, considering a comeback.

But hey. If it leads to more instances of this, then I'm all for it:

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Where Have You Been Young Man?

Well, if you must know...over here.

The rookie tournament is done. Training camp opened today. The first preseason game goes in less then 96 hours. 18 days and counting until the puck drops for real.

Oh mah word! Is it getting hot in heyah, or is it jus' little 'ole me?

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Excuse Me, Mister Garrioch? Why Are You Dragging Us Into This?

A friend of mine told me the other day that he's developed a theory on how Boo Boo writes his columns. It goes something like this. Step 1: Down 26oz. bottle of absinthe. Step 2: Scribble series of ridiculous rumours flights of fancy hallucinations “story ideas” on a bunch of bar napkins, which are then placed in a circular pattern on the table. Step 3: Spin empty bottle to determine subject. Steps 4 through 6: Flashback to painful adolescence and engage in awkward closet grope with fellow barfly; file random series of misspelled words with editor; stagger home. Repeat as necessary.

And the proof, as they say, is in the manure pile:
Mats Sundin in a Senators uniform? It may never happen, but it won't be for lack of trying on Ottawa's part...two league sources told Sun Media yesterday that Senators GM Bryan Murray has made at least three calls expressing his club's interest in the centre.
My God Bruce!! What a fantastic scoop! Three whole calls! Wow. I for one am shocked, SHOCKED, that The Bryan would bother doing his job and make any contact whatever with the Sundin camp, at any point, especially for so trivial a reason as simply getting a better idea on what Mats may, or may not be planning on the extremely thin chance he could improve his hockey club.

Prithee, oh great sage, whatever could be standing in the way of such a coup?
The Senators, who have already committed about $52 million of the $56.7-million salary cap for next season, would have to make another move to free up space to add Sundin.
Ah, yes. I see. In order to free up sufficient cap space to match the twenty million dollar offer Vancouver already has on the table, The Bryan would have to trade away or cut the bottom two lines, three defencemen and most of the janitorial staff, and replace them with homeless meth addicts willing to work for food.

But surely, with a deal your sources insist is possible...surely, the Sundin camp is willing to compromise for a chance to finally lift the Grail?
"I'm not going to confirm or deny that (the Senators) are among the teams interested," [Sundin agent J.P.] Barry...told Sun Media. "If Mats decides that he's going to play, then we'll follow up with the teams that have shown an interest."
Um...okay then. So paraphrase, if I may:

Your "sources" are telling you that based on three phone calls over a five month period, The Bryan is willing to blow up the pretty good if by no means championship caliber (yet) roster he so painstakingly built over the summer to make a last minute play for a 37-year old centre who can't decide whether he even wants to play this year let alone where, and whose agent will neither "confirm nor deny" that an offer has even been made by the Senators despite the fact that it would be in his client's best interest to do so as a broader bidding war can only drive up the price.

Is that about right? Was that the "gist" of the matter, as they say "in the biz"? It is? Great! Anything else you'd like to add? Anything that would, perhaps, serve to save your day's work from collapsing into the fetid, Simmons-esque swamp of putrid hackery? There is? Great! Have at it.
But don't be surprised if Sundin doesn't make a decision before Christmas.
Oh, for Christ's sake. Bruce, I'm begging you. Do not milk this non-story for three months. But if you do, pass me that damn bottle, would you?

Welcome Mats? [Ottawa Sun]