Excuse Me, Mister Garrioch? Why Are You Dragging Us Into This?

A friend of mine told me the other day that he's developed a theory on how Boo Boo writes his columns. It goes something like this. Step 1: Down 26oz. bottle of absinthe. Step 2: Scribble series of ridiculous rumours flights of fancy hallucinations “story ideas” on a bunch of bar napkins, which are then placed in a circular pattern on the table. Step 3: Spin empty bottle to determine subject. Steps 4 through 6: Flashback to painful adolescence and engage in awkward closet grope with fellow barfly; file random series of misspelled words with editor; stagger home. Repeat as necessary.

And the proof, as they say, is in the manure pile:

Mats Sundin in a Senators uniform? It may never happen, but it won't be for lack of trying on Ottawa's part...two league sources told Sun Media yesterday that Senators GM Bryan Murray has made at least three calls expressing his club's interest in the centre.

My God Bruce!! What a fantastic scoop! Three whole calls! Wow. I for one am shocked, SHOCKED, that The Bryan would bother doing his job and make any contact whatever with the Sundin camp, at any point, especially for so trivial a reason as simply getting a better idea on what Mats may, or may not be planning on the extremely thin chance he could improve his hockey club.

Prithee, oh great sage, whatever could be standing in the way of such a coup?

The Senators, who have already committed about $52 million of the $56.7-million salary cap for next season, would have to make another move to free up space to add Sundin.

Ah, yes. I see. In order to free up sufficient cap space to match the twenty million dollar offer Vancouver already has on the table, The Bryan would have to trade away or cut the bottom two lines, three defencemen and most of the janitorial staff, and replace them with homeless meth addicts willing to work for food.

But surely, with a deal your sources insist is possible...surely, the Sundin camp is willing to compromise for a chance to finally lift the Grail?

"I'm not going to confirm or deny that (the Senators) are among the teams interested," [Sundin agent J.P.] Barry...told Sun Media. "If Mats decides that he's going to play, then we'll follow up with the teams that have shown an interest."

Um...okay then. So Bruce...to paraphrase, if I may:

Your "sources" are telling you that based on three phone calls over a five month period, The Bryan is willing to blow up the pretty good if by no means championship caliber (yet) roster he so painstakingly built over the summer to make a last minute play for a 37-year old centre who can't decide whether he even wants to play this year let alone where, and whose agent will neither "confirm nor deny" that an offer has even been made by the Senators despite the fact that it would be in his client's best interest to do so as a broader bidding war can only drive up the price.

Is that about right? Was that the "gist" of the matter, as they say "in the biz"? It is? Great! Anything else you'd like to add? Anything that would, perhaps, serve to save your day's work from collapsing into the fetid, Simmons-esque swamp of putrid hackery? There is? Great! Have at it.

But don't be surprised if Sundin doesn't make a decision before Christmas.

Oh, for Christ's sake. Bruce, I'm begging you. Do not milk this non-story for three months. But if you do, pass me that damn bottle, would you?

Welcome Mats? [Ottawa Sun]

Another Refugee Escapes The Dying Of The Light

Speaking of The Universal Cynic, it would seem she is moving on to better things:

And, Finally...The Announcement: Many have asked where the column has been (I've never taken two weeks off in a row). Well, after nearly four years, Sun Media and I have parted company.

While I don't pretend to know the reasons behind the parting of ways, I can't help but think that Sun Media will ultimately regret letting it happen at all. For all of the talk about how traditional print is losing ground to "the new media", it seems rather counter intuitive (that's a polite way of saying "really fucking stupid", by the way) to allow a columnist with solid cred on the interwebs to get away, while at the same time, keeping a talentless hack like Steve Simmons on the payroll. But then again, I'm just an amateur "blogger", so what the hell do I know, right Quebecor?

But here's the best news:

I can say with nearly unwavering certainty that my days with traditional media are over. However, I will soon have an announcement to make regarding my next move. What can I say? You can't keep the Scott Norwood Section down for long.

Damn straight, Erin. You can't. And if traditional media, addled as they are by bean counters citing ad rates and circulation numbers, can't wrap their collective head around that concept, then I have no problem stepping over their bloated corpses on my way to indulging my preference for good writing, no matter where I find it.

For whom the bell tolls [The Universal Cynic]

JFJ Continues To Enjoy The Confidence Of His Employers

Come with me, children, as we jump into the way-back machine to those heady days of summer when Maple Leafs Sports and Entertainment enthralled us with their own, shall we say, particular motivational theories around getting the most out of their employees. Yep, nothing says, “We think you’re a terrific General Manager!” better than actively searching for a baby sitter for that General Manager. In public. Twice. Then being turned down by everyone to whom you offer the job. Ah…good times indeed. Well, fear not, kids. MLSE would like to remind you anew that they hold John Ferguson Junior in the highest regard:

Richard Peddie, the President of Maple Leafs Sports and Entertainment, told the Toronto Sun that hiring Ferguson, who had no prior experience as a general manager, was a mistake.

Seriously, John, how much longer are you going to take this? They’re obviously not going to fire you (either your buyout must be fucking enormous, or Larry’s worried about certain…photographs…getting out) so they’ve opted for the next best thing. They’re trying to humiliate you out of the job. For Christ sake, just quit! Take your cash and retire to someplace saner like say, Pyongyang. Jesus, I don’t know whether to pity your helpless ass or admire you for trying to stick it to the man.

To be perfectly honest, I think it must be enormously difficult to be JFJ, at anytime, let alone now. He grew up the son, and namesake of a hockey legend. He’s 40 years old, and his legendary father’s equally legendary friends still call him “Junior”. The Toronto Maple Leafs, the fixation and enabler of the most pathologically irrational fan base in the NHL hired him without any GM experience whatever and then refused to trust him with the authority necessary to actually do the job. He’s forced to spend more time negotiating the Byzantine structure of his corporate overlords than he does player contracts. In the last three months his own boss has inferred that he’s incompetent and “a mistake”.

And as a final perk, he gets to be bombarded constantly with steaming piles of monkey dung masquerading as “journalism” from a no talent hack whose “inside sources” invariably turn out to be a) the ACC cleaning crew, b) his imaginary bathroom buddy “Fritz” and c) wrong (remember that Mats Sundin Is Retiring!! story, Steve? Yeah, didn’t think so. But I do. Fool me once…jackass).

And to think, until today, I had no idea the poor man had to endure all of that without possessing a human spine. You know, it almost makes me feel bad for him. Almost.

Hiring Ferguson A Mistake [TSN.ca]
JFJ On His Way Out [Toronto Sun]

Fox Sports and Sun Media Separated At Birth? Discuss.

I think one of the coolest jobs in the world would be that of a sports writer. In fact, it has long been one of the few secret fantasies I harbour that doesn’t involve Nicole Kidman, a garter belt and plaid mini-skirts. Being allowed to watch games for a living and delight millions afterward with a few lines of lovingly crafted prose would be, I think, the ultimate experience. To get paid real money, on top of that, for doing so would almost feel like theft (not that that would prevent me from cashing the cheques mind you). The “job” of sports writer should be earned through years of dedication, and a proven ability to express those things which make the games we watch so special. In short, it’s a privilege, and I’d wager a large percentage of those of us who romp through the toy box that is the sports corner of the blogosphere would feel the same way. Apparently Fox Sports disagrees. Jay Mohr is back to haunt our dreams:

You may remember Mohr from his cable series with ESPN (cancelled) and column with SI.com (dropped), and for such films as Community Service. Well now you can get your regular Mohr fix at the Fox Sports web site…

In an exercise guaranteed to make you want to get blind drunk and pummel large objects with a four iron, let us compare and contrast the literary stylings of Mr. Mohr and our very own favourite hack, the Toronto Sun’s Steve Simmons. First Mohr:

I find it hilarious that Los Angeles has a soccer team but no football team. Soccer sucks. Most soccer games end by a score of 2-1. If you played the entire game without goalies, it would end 9-8…I think it is unfair that the New York Giants and the New York Jets play in the same parking lot as the New Jersey Devils and the New Jersey Nets…All NBA referees are on the take. They all stink. Games at the YMCA have a better rhythm to them.

Now Simmons:

In protest of the NFL's treatment of disabled players, Mike Ditka boycotted yesterday's Hall of Fame inductions. Funny, didn't hear him say anything about boycotting his job as an NFL broadcaster ... Royce Clayton, the 12th starting shortstop of the Ricciardi era, is out. The next great Ricciardi shortstop will be the first ... Gambling in tennis: Who knew? ... The suspended Neifi Perez, batting a powerless .172, is giving banned substances a bad name ... Quick confession: I have become an HD snob. If it's a sporting event and it's not in HD, I don't want to watch it anymore…And hey, whatever became of Randy Knorr?

See kids? Who needs school? Become a C-List celebrity based on a supporting role you had in a movie ten years ago, or cling desperately to your union backed tenured position at a large circulation broadsheet, and you too can scribble random thoughts on a napkin with your navy blue Crayola and use it to vault over others with far more talent and become a sports “writer”! And hey, whatever became of Steve Rushin?

Meet Jay Mohr: Judge For Yourself [Fox Sports]
Simmons Says [Canoe.ca]
Why Your Fox Sports Columnist Sucks [Deadspin]

Steve Simmons Cannot See Little Red Lights.

The beauty of Sundays is that I can devote the entire day to sports. I do this without guilt (I also do this with full spousal approbation BTW...'cause otherwise I'd be mowing the lawn, re shingling the shed, planting a new hedge or any number of other things on my honey-do list). But Sundays...Sundays are all mine baby. After a long week, and a Saturday of running around like an idiot getting all of the errands done...Sunday is all mine.

And one of my favourite things to do to kick off Sundays is to watch TSN's The Reporters at 10:30 Sunday mornings. Why? For the loquacious stylings of one Steve Simmons, lead sports "reporter" for the nation's largest tabloid, the Toronto Sun of course.

WATCH! as the other panelists cringe at Simmons' non-sequiturs into the land of the painfully obvious! MARVEL! at the depth of the Toronto bias running through almost all of his comments! GIGGLE UNCONTROLLABLY! at his seeming inability to figure out which camera he should actually be talking into!

And if you want real fun, pick up a copy of the Sun (pretty much any one in the chain...the little weasel runs in all of them on Sunday) and compare what appears in his Sunday column and what he said on the show.

Two things become apparent when you do that: 1) His "column" is almost entirely composed of worthless one sentence pap masquerading as astute observations and 2) No matter how irrelevant that pap is to the topic being discussed on the show, he'll try to shoe horn it in somehow.

So, as a recurring (ish) post, I would like to take this opportunity to share Mr. Simmons' Sunday nuggets of intestinal gaseousness.

And so, without further ado (and without even mentioning the whole Leaf Bias...that's be next week's rant), we humbly present 29 April 2007:

The CFL Draft goes Wednesday: The Hamilton Tiger-Cats are on the clock ... Ah, I see. Channelling our Inner Berman. Very clever. How long before the bad comb over and ridiculous pick up lines?

Mike Keenan has gone to work for Swedish hockey. Word is he won't consider trading Henrik Lundqvist to another country ... I have NO idea what this means. Little help?

Tough time to be a defending champion: The Carolina Hurricanes are out of the playoffs and the Miami Heat are just about done ... Breathless! Astounding! J-school was SO not a waste of your time...and your parents money.

I amuse easily: the Atlanta Falcons drafted Jamaal Anderson yesterday ... Um, okay. Any particular reason why you find this amusing? Just askin'...'cause, you, you know, didn't...like...TELL us!

And my favourite part? He always ends his Sunday column with a "Hey, whatever happened to ..." and then pulls the name of a former sports notable who has since faded into obscurity. But he never, never, tells us what actually did happen to them. Ooooh, how very drole!

Hey, whatever happened to that talentless hack who used to "write" for the Sun?

Deaspin Hall Of Fame: You're With Me Leather [Deadspin.com]