Steve Simmons Cannot See Little Red Lights.

The beauty of Sundays is that I can devote the entire day to sports. I do this without guilt (I also do this with full spousal approbation BTW...'cause otherwise I'd be mowing the lawn, re shingling the shed, planting a new hedge or any number of other things on my honey-do list). But Sundays...Sundays are all mine baby. After a long week, and a Saturday of running around like an idiot getting all of the errands done...Sunday is all mine.

And one of my favourite things to do to kick off Sundays is to watch TSN's The Reporters at 10:30 Sunday mornings. Why? For the loquacious stylings of one Steve Simmons, lead sports "reporter" for the nation's largest tabloid, the Toronto Sun of course.

WATCH! as the other panelists cringe at Simmons' non-sequiturs into the land of the painfully obvious! MARVEL! at the depth of the Toronto bias running through almost all of his comments! GIGGLE UNCONTROLLABLY! at his seeming inability to figure out which camera he should actually be talking into!

And if you want real fun, pick up a copy of the Sun (pretty much any one in the chain...the little weasel runs in all of them on Sunday) and compare what appears in his Sunday column and what he said on the show.

Two things become apparent when you do that: 1) His "column" is almost entirely composed of worthless one sentence pap masquerading as astute observations and 2) No matter how irrelevant that pap is to the topic being discussed on the show, he'll try to shoe horn it in somehow.

So, as a recurring (ish) post, I would like to take this opportunity to share Mr. Simmons' Sunday nuggets of intestinal gaseousness.

And so, without further ado (and without even mentioning the whole Leaf Bias...that's be next week's rant), we humbly present 29 April 2007:

The CFL Draft goes Wednesday: The Hamilton Tiger-Cats are on the clock ... Ah, I see. Channelling our Inner Berman. Very clever. How long before the bad comb over and ridiculous pick up lines?

Mike Keenan has gone to work for Swedish hockey. Word is he won't consider trading Henrik Lundqvist to another country ... I have NO idea what this means. Little help?

Tough time to be a defending champion: The Carolina Hurricanes are out of the playoffs and the Miami Heat are just about done ... Breathless! Astounding! J-school was SO not a waste of your time...and your parents money.

I amuse easily: the Atlanta Falcons drafted Jamaal Anderson yesterday ... Um, okay. Any particular reason why you find this amusing? Just askin'...'cause, you, you know, didn't...like...TELL us!

And my favourite part? He always ends his Sunday column with a "Hey, whatever happened to ..." and then pulls the name of a former sports notable who has since faded into obscurity. But he never, never, tells us what actually did happen to them. Ooooh, how very drole!

Hey, whatever happened to that talentless hack who used to "write" for the Sun?

Deaspin Hall Of Fame: You're With Me Leather [Deadspin.com]