Fox Sports and Sun Media Separated At Birth? Discuss.

I think one of the coolest jobs in the world would be that of a sports writer. In fact, it has long been one of the few secret fantasies I harbour that doesn’t involve Nicole Kidman, a garter belt and plaid mini-skirts. Being allowed to watch games for a living and delight millions afterward with a few lines of lovingly crafted prose would be, I think, the ultimate experience. To get paid real money, on top of that, for doing so would almost feel like theft (not that that would prevent me from cashing the cheques mind you). The “job” of sports writer should be earned through years of dedication, and a proven ability to express those things which make the games we watch so special. In short, it’s a privilege, and I’d wager a large percentage of those of us who romp through the toy box that is the sports corner of the blogosphere would feel the same way. Apparently Fox Sports disagrees. Jay Mohr is back to haunt our dreams:

You may remember Mohr from his cable series with ESPN (cancelled) and column with SI.com (dropped), and for such films as Community Service. Well now you can get your regular Mohr fix at the Fox Sports web site…

In an exercise guaranteed to make you want to get blind drunk and pummel large objects with a four iron, let us compare and contrast the literary stylings of Mr. Mohr and our very own favourite hack, the Toronto Sun’s Steve Simmons. First Mohr:

I find it hilarious that Los Angeles has a soccer team but no football team. Soccer sucks. Most soccer games end by a score of 2-1. If you played the entire game without goalies, it would end 9-8…I think it is unfair that the New York Giants and the New York Jets play in the same parking lot as the New Jersey Devils and the New Jersey Nets…All NBA referees are on the take. They all stink. Games at the YMCA have a better rhythm to them.

Now Simmons:

In protest of the NFL's treatment of disabled players, Mike Ditka boycotted yesterday's Hall of Fame inductions. Funny, didn't hear him say anything about boycotting his job as an NFL broadcaster ... Royce Clayton, the 12th starting shortstop of the Ricciardi era, is out. The next great Ricciardi shortstop will be the first ... Gambling in tennis: Who knew? ... The suspended Neifi Perez, batting a powerless .172, is giving banned substances a bad name ... Quick confession: I have become an HD snob. If it's a sporting event and it's not in HD, I don't want to watch it anymore…And hey, whatever became of Randy Knorr?

See kids? Who needs school? Become a C-List celebrity based on a supporting role you had in a movie ten years ago, or cling desperately to your union backed tenured position at a large circulation broadsheet, and you too can scribble random thoughts on a napkin with your navy blue Crayola and use it to vault over others with far more talent and become a sports “writer”! And hey, whatever became of Steve Rushin?

Meet Jay Mohr: Judge For Yourself [Fox Sports]
Simmons Says [Canoe.ca]
Why Your Fox Sports Columnist Sucks [Deadspin]

Hey, This Interweb Thingy Still Works! Cool!

For the one of you who may stumble across this site from time to time on the way to free Girls Gone Wild thumbnails and wonder where the hell I've been for a week...well, let's just say that working for a living blows, and leave it at that.

Not that I haven't pined for you, dear misled reader. Oh, I have. But things just kept getting in the way. So without being maudlin...and by that I mean without being a seething cauldron of pent up rage and impotence...I will simply say "Oh MAN, the comedic potential of the last week was immense and I MISSED IT!!" and leave it at that. To wit:

• My favorite collumnist, after having his "Sundin is done!" story shot down in flames, came across as the petulent child he is on a guest appearance of TSN's Off The Record (the slouch was particularly funny).

• The New Jersey Devils, after their five game demolition at the hands of the Mighty Gigantic And Magnificent Ottawa Senators (YAY!), immediately began to look forward to next year by pointing fingers at, in order, their future Hall Of Fame goalie, their invisible euro-captain and the Don Corleone/Pillsbury Dough Boy love child himself, who fired the coach with two games to go, and took over. As a distraction to its passionate fan, the club reminded him that it could be worse. They could be moving to Newark. Wait...what?

• Sunday's edition of TSN's The Reporters featured the panel lamenting on the low scoring in this year's playoffs, putting forward so many idiotic ideas (Make the nets bigger! Go to 3-on-3! Spot the Leafs a two goal lead every game!*), I was in serious danger of a stroke brought on by the flood of potential post topics they were generating. Then a thoroughly enjoyable screaming match erupted over the Shane Doan Affair, in which I was fully expecting (and desperately hoping for) a Damian Cox leap across the desk, Jim Everett like, and throttle Simmons all the while screaming "the fucking camera is over THERE DUMBASS!!" Yeah...that would have been sweet.

• Finally...the unstoppable force that is Oleg Suprykin. Buffalo now quakes before him, erecting statues in his honour lest the people anger their new god.

There were many other things that streaked across my consciousness this week, but alas, I was powerless to unleash my inner smart ass by twisting them into empty, barely recognizable, but entirely more entertaining husks of themselves. So much work, so many idiots, so little time.

* May have been fabricated by an imaginative wombat. Maybe. I'll have to ask.

Newark Crime High, Study Says [New York Times]

No surgery for Leafs' Sundin: report [CBC.ca]

Steve Simmons Cannot See Little Red Lights.

The beauty of Sundays is that I can devote the entire day to sports. I do this without guilt (I also do this with full spousal approbation BTW...'cause otherwise I'd be mowing the lawn, re shingling the shed, planting a new hedge or any number of other things on my honey-do list). But Sundays...Sundays are all mine baby. After a long week, and a Saturday of running around like an idiot getting all of the errands done...Sunday is all mine.

And one of my favourite things to do to kick off Sundays is to watch TSN's The Reporters at 10:30 Sunday mornings. Why? For the loquacious stylings of one Steve Simmons, lead sports "reporter" for the nation's largest tabloid, the Toronto Sun of course.

WATCH! as the other panelists cringe at Simmons' non-sequiturs into the land of the painfully obvious! MARVEL! at the depth of the Toronto bias running through almost all of his comments! GIGGLE UNCONTROLLABLY! at his seeming inability to figure out which camera he should actually be talking into!

And if you want real fun, pick up a copy of the Sun (pretty much any one in the chain...the little weasel runs in all of them on Sunday) and compare what appears in his Sunday column and what he said on the show.

Two things become apparent when you do that: 1) His "column" is almost entirely composed of worthless one sentence pap masquerading as astute observations and 2) No matter how irrelevant that pap is to the topic being discussed on the show, he'll try to shoe horn it in somehow.

So, as a recurring (ish) post, I would like to take this opportunity to share Mr. Simmons' Sunday nuggets of intestinal gaseousness.

And so, without further ado (and without even mentioning the whole Leaf Bias...that's be next week's rant), we humbly present 29 April 2007:

The CFL Draft goes Wednesday: The Hamilton Tiger-Cats are on the clock ... Ah, I see. Channelling our Inner Berman. Very clever. How long before the bad comb over and ridiculous pick up lines?

Mike Keenan has gone to work for Swedish hockey. Word is he won't consider trading Henrik Lundqvist to another country ... I have NO idea what this means. Little help?

Tough time to be a defending champion: The Carolina Hurricanes are out of the playoffs and the Miami Heat are just about done ... Breathless! Astounding! J-school was SO not a waste of your time...and your parents money.

I amuse easily: the Atlanta Falcons drafted Jamaal Anderson yesterday ... Um, okay. Any particular reason why you find this amusing? Just askin'...'cause, you, you know, didn't...like...TELL us!

And my favourite part? He always ends his Sunday column with a "Hey, whatever happened to ..." and then pulls the name of a former sports notable who has since faded into obscurity. But he never, never, tells us what actually did happen to them. Ooooh, how very drole!

Hey, whatever happened to that talentless hack who used to "write" for the Sun?

Deaspin Hall Of Fame: You're With Me Leather [Deadspin.com]