Fox Sports and Sun Media Separated At Birth? Discuss.

I think one of the coolest jobs in the world would be that of a sports writer. In fact, it has long been one of the few secret fantasies I harbour that doesn’t involve Nicole Kidman, a garter belt and plaid mini-skirts. Being allowed to watch games for a living and delight millions afterward with a few lines of lovingly crafted prose would be, I think, the ultimate experience. To get paid real money, on top of that, for doing so would almost feel like theft (not that that would prevent me from cashing the cheques mind you). The “job” of sports writer should be earned through years of dedication, and a proven ability to express those things which make the games we watch so special. In short, it’s a privilege, and I’d wager a large percentage of those of us who romp through the toy box that is the sports corner of the blogosphere would feel the same way. Apparently Fox Sports disagrees. Jay Mohr is back to haunt our dreams:

You may remember Mohr from his cable series with ESPN (cancelled) and column with SI.com (dropped), and for such films as Community Service. Well now you can get your regular Mohr fix at the Fox Sports web site…

In an exercise guaranteed to make you want to get blind drunk and pummel large objects with a four iron, let us compare and contrast the literary stylings of Mr. Mohr and our very own favourite hack, the Toronto Sun’s Steve Simmons. First Mohr:

I find it hilarious that Los Angeles has a soccer team but no football team. Soccer sucks. Most soccer games end by a score of 2-1. If you played the entire game without goalies, it would end 9-8…I think it is unfair that the New York Giants and the New York Jets play in the same parking lot as the New Jersey Devils and the New Jersey Nets…All NBA referees are on the take. They all stink. Games at the YMCA have a better rhythm to them.

Now Simmons:

In protest of the NFL's treatment of disabled players, Mike Ditka boycotted yesterday's Hall of Fame inductions. Funny, didn't hear him say anything about boycotting his job as an NFL broadcaster ... Royce Clayton, the 12th starting shortstop of the Ricciardi era, is out. The next great Ricciardi shortstop will be the first ... Gambling in tennis: Who knew? ... The suspended Neifi Perez, batting a powerless .172, is giving banned substances a bad name ... Quick confession: I have become an HD snob. If it's a sporting event and it's not in HD, I don't want to watch it anymore…And hey, whatever became of Randy Knorr?

See kids? Who needs school? Become a C-List celebrity based on a supporting role you had in a movie ten years ago, or cling desperately to your union backed tenured position at a large circulation broadsheet, and you too can scribble random thoughts on a napkin with your navy blue Crayola and use it to vault over others with far more talent and become a sports “writer”! And hey, whatever became of Steve Rushin?

Meet Jay Mohr: Judge For Yourself [Fox Sports]
Simmons Says [Canoe.ca]
Why Your Fox Sports Columnist Sucks [Deadspin]