Saturday, March 31, 2007

Don Cherry Says You Should Always Watch Your Back Door.

Um, well, here we are, a Saturday night on CBC and everything on the various broadcasts can best be described as collective train wreck really.

First: Ottawa/Islanders: Ottawa wins (YAY!!). Broadcast looks like it's being beamed from Mars and Don Whitman is doingthe play-by-play from his mother's basement in Hamiliton...At one point his colour guy (who's name I can't remember for the life of me) is rendered mute because his mike craps out. This means that Don has to carry the game by himself. With predictable (and laughable) results. THEN the screen goes black for about five minutes. Poor Don is totally panicked. His monitor is gone...his side-kick is gone. Watcha gonna do punk?? SHOOT THE HOSTAGE!! you do if you're Don Whittman is recite statistics until either the picture comes back, or your audience begins to threaten your family unless you just SHUT THE FUCK UP!! Um...sorry...I'm better...o.k.....

Second: Leaf/Penguins: After the Sens win (YAY!!) we get shuffled off to Toronto. Just long enough, it turns out, to watch Pittsburgh score with 4 (FOUR!!) seconds left to tie. So we're going to O.T. Great. Just as soon as the nice firemen save the life of the nice Leaf fan who has decided that tonight, in front of a national audience, at a key point in the game, would be a GREAT time to die. Really. I'm not making this up. We're waiting while the T.O. EMT are "resussitating" a Leafs fan. Live. Man...if he lives, he'll be looking for some compped tickets.

Now, ordinarily I'd rather urinate down my own throat than wish for a Laughs win, but this being the time of year when war makes for strange bedfellows, I actually need Toronto to...YEAH!! AND THEY JUST DID!!...the Senators REALLY needed T.O. to take the extra point away from Crosby and Co. to keep home-ice in a likely first round series. Now they have, and all is well. For now. But for you Leaf fans, this doesn't mean we'll be picking out curtains or nothin'....

You may be asking what the deal is with the title. Well let me show you. Ah...Don Cherry and his inadvertant double-entendres of a homersecshul nature. Who says Coach's Corner is safe for the kids?

Update: The guy lived by-the-by, which is really cool, because, among other things, I would have felt really really shitty for making light of it the way I did.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Leaf Nation Salutes Their Champions! Wait…What??

We would be remiss, we think if we neglected to make small mention of the playoff hopes of the Toronto Maple Leafs.

To anyone with even a rudimentary grasp of mathematics, those hopes are slim indeed. To anyone that is, except the good people who run (even the URL is misspelled! Brilliant!). Just some of the…um…totally objective reporting to be found on the site (our intrepid correspondent is Mike Ullmer, who probably just wants to go home and take a long, hot shower):

“The Hurricanes were unable to come up with an answer for the Leafs number one line of Mats Sundin, Ponikarovsky and Nik Antropov. Fair enough, no one has lately and for evidence of that, roll back your mental video tape for the Leafs recent wins.” Er…sure you can remember that far back??


“Tuesday night, the John Ferguson all-stars came up from the chorus and the Leafs moved closer to the Eastern Conference playoffs with a 6-1 hammering of the eighth-place Carolina Hurricanes.” John Ferguson All-Stars…is that like Scott Hamilton’s Ice Capades?

But our favorite is:

“They use satellite and highlight packages around the NHL. No one is lining up for a piece of the Toronto Maple Leafs right now.” Sa-tel-ites?? High-light-reel?? What is this witchcraft of which you speak??

Perhaps the funniest part of the entire site, though, is today’s “poll”: “What makes Chad Kilger such an effective player for the Maple Leafs?” with such breathless possible answers as “Forechecking Ability” and “Strong Skater”

Hmm…must be the same polling firm politicians use when asking us such unbiased and TOTALLY objective questions like: “Which would you rather do? Vote for our candidate or club puppies with a nine iron?”

But for now, your team is still in it, so carry on Leaf Nation, carry on! You’re all just so damned cute.

Unlikely Contributors Lead To Win []

The Noise You Hear Is Valeri Karlamov’s Scream Of Impotent Fury

It would appear that Vladislav Tretiak’s dream of a new Summit Series (which, we have to admit, always looked better to us on paper than in reality…kinda like communism) is now mercifully dead:

“Vladislav Tretiak, the president of the Russian Ice Hockey Federation, recently submitted a letter to the NHL requesting the use of NHL players in an eight game exhibition series pitting Russia's best versus Canada's top players. While the NHL acknowledges the 1972 Summit Series as one of the most significant events in the history of hockey, it won't support or approve Tretiak's interest in bringing it back to life. Instead, the league would rather focus on an ongoing effort to settle a transfer agreement with Russia, which would align one of hockey's world powers with the existing group of federations.”

We think that’s a rather polite way of saying “Hey Comrade! Put down the vodka for a second and get back to helping us rape and pillage the Russian hockey program, would ya?? Jeez!!”

Da, da, we would.

The NHL Says Thanks But No Thanks []

SI Assures Us That Remainder of NHL Season Totally Unnecessary

In their continuing efforts to impress upon you, mere mortal, the fact that Time Warner is the most powerful presence in the known Universe, the good folks at Sports Illustrated have actually altered the space-time continuum! Behold! The final NHL Power Rankings of the season!

While some may conclude that this is a tad premature considering the season still has two weeks left in it, these people will be exposed as the heretical non-believers they are and punished accordingly. They will be made to watch endless loops of Riffs of Reilly.

Final NHL Power rankings []

p.s.: BTW, we’re not at all pissed that they dropped the Senators 8 spots after a 7-1-2 run. Nope. Not at all. Totally cool with that.

Friday, March 23, 2007

If a Man Can’t Have Carnal Knowledge Of A Deer Carcass, The Terrorists Have Won!

On the heels of our Avian Aficionado, comes this delightful story out of the great state of Wisconsin, home of…um…well…cheese and, it would seem, rather unbalanced youth. (Ed. – Morons! YAY!)

SUPERIOR, Wis. (AP) - A 20-year-old man received probation after he was convicted of having sexual contact with a dead deer. The sentence also requires Bryan James Hathaway to be evaluated as a sex offender and treated at the Institute for Psychological and Sexual Health in Duluth, Minn.

And, friends, that’s not even the weirdest part of the story. At the time he was caught in flagrente delicto, our boy Bryan was on probation for…wait for it…killing a horse for the same purpose. The final insult (if this is possible)? He may have to register as a sex offender. Wouldn't you love to be at his next job interview?

"So, Mr. Hathaway. I see you're a registered sex offender. "
"Oh, I'm not one of you're average, run-of-the-mill perverts."
"Hmm-hmm...While that wouldn't normally bother us here at [Ed. -- Jesus Christ!! You're gonna get us sued!!] could you elaborate?"
"Well, I kill large livestock then know them, sir. Intimately, sir"
"Get out of my office Hathaway."

He gets out of jail in December. As a public service, I would suggest that all turkeys be stored in locked freezers for the festive season. You’re welcome.

Man Gets Probation For Dead Deer Sex [My]

Update: Just to stay with a theme, I draw your attention to this. You know, sooner or later, they’re going to start fighting back. Anarchy of biblical proportions people. Biblical!

Um…Mr. Davis? I’m Not Sure That’s What Randy Meant By “Booty Call”

While this site was primarily intended as a chuckle hut for my musings on hockey (Ed.—And morons…don’t forget the morons), I also have to admit a certain weakness for the game only about 5 percent of the world’s population calls “football”. Specifically, NFL football (we might get into my opinions of the Comedic Football League some time this summer…after the NHL playoffs, between a couple of PGA majors and before baseball heats up…maybe…. Unless I can find something more interesting to discuss. Like goiter).

I’ve been a Washington Redskins fan since the day, as an impressionable young lad of 12, I watched John Riggins run over, around and through the Miami Dolphins in Super Bowl XVII and then heard him dedicate his MVP award to his extraterrestrial mother while slugging back a 40 of Jack at the post-game press conference (Ed. – Um…pretty sure you just made that last bit up, but it is Riggins we’re talking about. We’ll get a fact checker on it.)

But I must confess, for reasons that will remain confidential to protect the identities of the disillusioned, a soft spot for the perpetually touring three-ring circus that is the Oakland/Los Angeles/Oakland Raiders. And by “soft spot” I of course mean “I thoroughly enjoy every step of Al Davis’ gradual descent into madness”. A descent I am only too happy to document from time to time. And this, friends, is one of those times:

ALAMEDA, Calif. (AP) -- The Oakland Raiders have signed quarterback Josh Booty, the former prep star who has been out of football since 2003 and has never thrown a pass in the NFL.

I cannot convey to you the sheer and utter JOY this has brought me this morning. Why? Well consider: The guy’s name is BOOTY for cryin’ out loud! They passed on Matt Leinert and Vince Young in last year’s draft. Hung their hopes on Aaron Brooks (Aaron Brooks!!) Cut Brooks after a…um…disappointing…season. Lose their back-up to free agency. The only QB left on the roster was carrying the clipboard a year ago. Did I mention the guy’s name is Booty??

GAWD that Al Davis! Genius!

Raiders Sign Booty []

And An Even GREATER Umbrage Shall…ahhh…screw it.

Well, it took a little longer than I thought it would but…we have a winner!! First into the pool is none other than Colin Campbell, Director of Hockey Operations, renowned former pugilist in his own right, and Bettman Spokespuppet Extraordinaire!

While you can read the whole article here (it’s too long and not nearly amusing enough for my purposes), I’d like to draw particular attention to two things. Firstly, how often he uses the word “scared”. We might need to confiscate his Man Card. And secondly, this little passage:

Today's enforcers are bigger than ever before, so their punches carry more impact, Campbell argues.
''You take a Tiger Williams, you take a Dave Shultz, or even a Bob Probert of the '90s, and you pit them against our players today- our players today are much bigger and stronger and more well-conditioned,'' said Campbell.

Um…well sure. I’d agree with that. If you took the 90’s version of Williams or The Hammer and put them up against…say…Brian McGrattan today, things could get a little messy. But McGrattan/Williams in 1983? I’m putting my money on Tiger…Mostly because McGratten was born in ’81. Hard to fight when you’ve got one hand clutching your Binky.

Time To Look At The Issue of Fighting Says League Disciplinarian [CP via TSN]

Thursday, March 22, 2007

We Now Return You To Your Regularly Scheduled Blowhard

Well folks, we'll pack it in here. Early, yes, but since the only people actually seeing this are immediate family and most, but not all, of my imaginary friends, I don't think it's that big a deal.

I believe the previous post rather negated any competition for the Jerkoff of the Day, although that may be a little harsh on my part. "You wouldn't understand!!" comes the cry of confused anguish from the National Man Bird Love Association.

And the Sens/Panthers game is on the t.v. behind me. I need all of my powers of concentration. I keep trying to make Gord Wilson's head explode through sheer force of will. I also have to drink everytime Dean Brown says "stanchion".


Large Carniverous Birds!! I'd Hit That!

Sometimes, every once in a while, on extremely rare and magnificent occasions, the planets line up just so, triggering a series of events that result in the most sublime combination of words ever to appear in a headline.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have such a moment. I give you, from the Moscow Times, the following: Man Found Dead, Naked Inside Owl Cage.

Sooooo many things jump out of the story, and simultaneously at that, my head actually hurts. I'll let you judge for yourselves, but for my money, the best line of the entire story is:

"At this point, no one quite knows what happened. Luparev apparently hit his head on the ground -- possibly following an altercation with the owl -- and fell unconscious."

Hmmm...what kind of an "altercation" a drunk, naked guy have with an owl? Somewhere, there's a Ducks Unlimited member smiling knowingly.

Man Found Dead, Naked Inside Owl Cage [The Moscow Times]

Hoot, There It Is [Deadspin]

Bring Back The Whalers?? Suddenly League's Title for Ugliest Uniform Up For Grabs. Nashville Very Concerned.

Well, this could get interesting, if only in a circus-side-show, bearded-lady-screwing-tom-thumb-on-the-trapeze kind of way…Hartford wants its team back. This apparently came as quite a shock to not only Gary Bettman (“Hartford had a team?!?!”) but also to…um…well, the good citizens of Hartford.

"In a decision that caught some by surprise, the authority on Wednesday picked a partnership between downtown's largest property owner and a worldwide sports and entertainment company to take over the 32-year-old arena."

Then, the other skate:

"When it came to managing the arena, each of the three interested bidders brought an array of proposals, from capital and concession improvements to strategies to boost attendance. For his part, Gottesdiener has said that his long-term goal is to knock the arena down, build a new one and bring the NHL back to Hartford.But for all the talk of a new arena and the NHL, Wednesday's decision was a limited one that dealt only with the arena operation through 2013."

Alrighty then…there seems to be a few steps betwixt and between now and the time of the Whale’s glorious re-incarnation. But I say, fret not…um…Hartfordians (Hartfordites? Hartfordumplings?)!!

A triumphal return is nigh! Nay, damn near inevitable! Just as soon as that pesky arena thingy gets torn down…then built again…oh, and after Winnipeg and Quebec City get their teams back…and global warming gets solved so the entire city doesn’t sink into the ocean… But after that? Your gold Hartford! Solid gold.

A New Boss At Civic Center [Hartford Courant]

Mother Mario Would Be Very Displeased

Sidney Crosby is a young man. A very young man. A very good hockey player…but a very young man. In fact, I believe the socks I am currently sporting are two months older than he is. And every once in a while, he reminds us just how young he is. To wit, his response following a minor on-ice tete-a-tete with Ottawa Head Coach Bryan Murray last week:

"If he wants to say that I'm disrespectful to him -- if he feels he wants to do that -- that's fine," Crosby said. "It's not right, but, if he wants to do that, so be it. I didn't speak to him until he started making gestures. But what I was saying was, 'Why are you looking at me?' There was absolutely no reason for him to be yelling at me."

Coach Murray, when asked to comment, resisted the logical rejoinder of “I know you are but WHAT AM I??” Mutterings of “Stupid little whippersnapper, dagnabbit” were overheard however.

For those of you not scoring at home, Crosby quickly gained a reputation during his rookie year as a whiny little brat who flopped to the ice like a pole axed weasel at the merest suggestion of contact. He’s been fairly quiet in that regard this season. Nature, however, abhors a vacuum. And Gary Roberts weeps quietly in a corner.

Penguins Notebook: Crosby gives his side of Murray spat [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]

And Great Umbrage Shall Be Loosed Upon The Land...again.

Cover your ears children, for there will be howls of outrage and much gnashing of teeth emanating from the learned scribes south of the border today (and truth be told, a few on this side of the divide…not to name names, but they all appear on TS (Ed. – Shut up! Legal says NO brands!)…er…they all appear on a certain Canadian sports-oriented television network not named “SportsNet” at 10:30 Sunday mornings…or so I’ve heard (Ed. – That’s better.)) about the VIOLENT!! and BARBARIC!! nature of our favorite sport. Entire forests will die to espouse their enlightened opinion that those of us who love this kind of thing are nothing but knuckle-dragging Neanderthals who, when not clubbing our women over the head, are going giggleshits over old Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em tapes whilst sitting in our Cheezie-stained underwear. (Ed. – Suddenly I’m hungry…and pantsless)

It seems that Todd Fedoruk knocked himself loopy pummeling Colton Orr’s fist with his face last night, sparked, it would seem, by Fedoruk’s “rough play” (read: running around like an idiot and cheap-shotting Ranger players) the last time the teams met in February. In a style reminiscent of the great boxing reporters of yesteryear (whose names escape me at the moment…which doesn’t matter ‘cause they’re all dead), AP reporter Ira Podell describes it thusly:

“Just seconds after Orr started for the Rangers, Fedoruk hopped off the Philadelphia bench for a quick line change and squared off with the New York enforcer. The gloves came off and Orr dropped Fedoruk with a hard right to the cheek, knocking him out and forcing him to leave the ice on a stretcher.”

My god, you can almost see the cigarette smoke wafting over the beat up typewriter.

Anyway, judging by the hue and cry that went up after the Neil on Drury hit and subsequent Emery/half of the Buffalo Sabers fight (Best. Goalie fight. Ever. If only because of The Smile), then the Janssen hit on Kaberle (with subsequent pay-back), I do believe that we’re about to be inundated by another round of “Hockey Is Less Popular in the U.S. Than Televised Roach Rodeos And THIS IS WHY PEOPLE!!!” stories. (As an aside here, I’ve never understood the argument that fighting somehow makes hockey too uncouth to catch on in the country that invented NASCAR…which I also love BTW…and spray-on cheese. Maybe they just don’t like ice.)

Please, allow me to simplify this for you Sports Reporter Types before the hyperbole makes your heads explode: Hockey is a contact sport. Hockey has a code. Todd Fedoruk acted like an asshole, violating that code. A well-deserved comeuppance was called for. It was given. The Earth continues to rotate on its axis. Get over it. That is all.

Rangers 5, Flyers 0 []

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Jerkoff of the Day

True to the original intent of the site, it is my intention to post, on a quasi-daily basis, a story of someone who, through their own actions, makes you shake your head, pack the kids and immediately move to a Tibetan monastary. Today's winner comes to us courtesy of The Fanhouse via Deadspin (see? Told ya, I'm grovelling here...GROVELLIN') .

Say hello to Mr. Khalif Barnes, O-Lineman for the Jacksonville Jaguars.:

"This is unbelievable, man, unbelievable being a pro athlete in Jacksonville. I can't wait to get out of here. Can't wait," Barnes said while handcuffed in the back of a Jacksonville Sheriff's Office patrol car. "Especially if you're black." About 20 minutes later, still in the patrol car, he said, "Of all the places in the -- world that I came to this -- hick town. They -- hate us here. "Why you even want to have a pro team here? What's the use? They don't even -- respect you."

So class, to recap: He was doing 100MPH, blew a DUI, got beligerent with the officers, and they arrested him because...he' O.K. Just so we're clear. Somehow, this one statement embodies everything that pisses us off about pro athletes.

We wouldn't expect him to spend much more time in Jacksonville [Deadspin]

Jaguars Khalif Barnes Calls Cop KKK Devil [The Fanhouse]

I would wager the Saskatoon Blues would not have been bothered by such trifles.

In the interest of full disclosure, I will let everyone know where my biases I am a huge Ottawa Senators fan...and by "huge", I'm talking about naming-my-first-born-daughter "Mike Peluso"-huge...Startle-the-neighbours-with-very-loud-and-extremely-profane-language-every-spring kind of big.

So.... You may have heard somewhere, if you're interested in such things, that the St. Louis Blues were a little upset with the officials and their particular interpretation of what constitutes a goal during last night's Senators 4-2 win. As evidenced here, they're actually correct, but the most hilarious take on this is the Giant Canadian Conspiracy thread running through the comment section. Seriously...dude...get real! We're Canadian! If we're conspiring to do something bad to America, you'll be the first to know!

By the way, I tried to find a Blues fan-site expressing an appropriate amount of anger and angst over the injustice of it all...but, um...I couldn't find one. Really...Googled for it and everything. The best I could do was a Post-Dispatch column expressing a mild annoyance.

C'mon St. Louis! Somebody amongst the announced attendance of 13, 188 (that's about 12,469 more than actually showed up, judging by the t.v. pictures...and t.v. never lies!) must be up in arms! What the hell do you think the interweb is for if not for mindless ranting?? And apropos of nothing...I hear Kansas City is lovely in the spring.

Send in the Clowns -- An Upgrade Over NHL Refs (Jeff "not THAT one" Gordon -- Post Dispatch)

Wikiality, the Truthiness Encyclopedia -- The Canadian Conspiracy

Some Gee Gees Were Harmed In the Making of This Dynasty

We begin our brand new blog of THE Game with…er, basketball. We do this, of course, to give a big HOORAH to my almost Alma Mater (attended 4ish years…drank a ton of beer…threw up in the dorms…didn’t graduate), Carleton University for the Men’s basketball team’s FIFTH (for Ottawa U alums: that’s ALL of the fingers on one hand!) consecutive CIS title. And the best part? The next three tourneys will be held in Ottawa, the Ravens’ stomping ground baby! While this has apparently raised some eyebrows amongst the nattering classes, from what I saw from Halifax on Sunday, I’m sure most of the 42 people out of the 2000+ in attendance who were not drunken Carleton students will get over it. Welcome to OUR house BIOTCH!

Goodbye Halifax, Hello Ottawa (AJ Walling,

Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter

Congratulations! You have officially reached the bottom of the Internet! This is Five For Smiting. Our mission: to celebrate in every way possible that won’t result in a lawsuit, the slack-jawed troglodytes that happen to be descended from the same branch of the simian family* as the rest of us, the incredibly stupid amusing hilarious accidental things they do, and the people who love them! Oh…and hockey.

*Um…disclaimer number 1: If you are of the belief that Mother Earth and everything on it sprang whole and perfect from the left nostril of some Great Omniscient Being (hey look! Pat Robertson!) or Great Omniscient Alien ( YA HEARD ME CRUISE!), you might want to just reach up there with the little arrow God gave Bill Gates and click on the back button. Top left…nope, too high...down a bit…a little more. There ya go! Bye!

The idea behind this little exercise in self-flagellation is to combine my love of THE Game (as it will be henceforth known, forever and ever, amen) with the same thing 3.2 billion other people on the internet are combining THEIR interests with, namely fart jokes! Uh…no, wait…that’s not it… Making fun of people that aren’t me! Yeah! That’s it…phew…almost had a moment of introspection there. But I’m over it.

Mostly though, we just want to get mentioned on, at whose feet we worship and humbly grovel…Giddy UP!