Monday, July 23, 2007

Larry Tanenbaum Can’t Get Anyone To Return His Calls

As most of you may know by now, the deliciously dysfunctional Maple Leafs Sports & Entertainment Ltd., owners of our favorite punching bags, has been trying to recruit a “mentor” for their beleaguered General Manager, John Ferguson Jr. This came as a bit of a surprise to JFJ himself when the news hit the papers a few weeks back, but ever the company man, he completely accepted it with the humility and grace which befits such a huge vote of confidence from one’s employer. That was then. Now it would appear that MLSE has “reconsidered”:
Efforts to woo an advisor/mentor for Maple Leafs general manager John Ferguson Jr. have temporarily been shoved to the backburner by Maple Leafs Sports & Entertainment Ltd.
No reason was given (yet), but the prospect of working for such a well-run organization with a rich and storied history and bright future was so attractive that Scotty Bowman turned them down flat. Dan Poile was also offered the job, but reluctantly refused in order to stay in…Hamilton Kansas City Nashville. Also interviewed for the job were former Bruins GM Harry Sinden and our very own John Muckler. Unfortunately, they were both judged unsuitable after Sinden tried to lift Richard Peddie’s wallet and Mucks spent the entire interview talking to the potted fern in the corner.

I bring this up for a couple/three reasons. First, I never, EVER pass up an opportunity to mock Toronto. Second, I needed something to segue smoothly to Kid Canada’s eloquent yet ultimately futile defence of the Leafs on Melt Your Face Off.

Thirdly? The prospect of another sad-sack Leaf season doesn’t hold the same pleasure for me anymore. I’ve come to the realization that no amount of misery will shake Leafs Nation out of their myopia and arrogance. The Harold Ballard Years created an entire generation of pavlovian fans who will happily continue to shovel money by the bucket full into the gaping maw of whoever, or whatever, owns the team.

So, I actually want the Leafs to get better. The rivalry has gotten boring (“Oh, we’re playing Toronto tonight? Umm…in the…face??”), and after the rape and pillage of the Sabres effectively gave us the Division, there’s nobody around here to hate. I miss that.

Your mission JFJ: get better, make the playoffs and play the Senators. That way we can remind ourselves why we don’t like your team and the slack-jawed troglodytes that make up 80% of your fan base.

On top of that, we’d be happy to remind you that this year marks the 40th anniversary of…well, you know.

Maple Leafs Halt Mentor Search [Fan Nation]
Why My Team Is Better Than Your Team: THE Toronto Maple Leafs [Melt Your Face Off]

UPDATE: Taking a look at my site meter today I noticed a new IP address I hadn't seen before. Upon further investigation (well, I just clicked on it really) it turns out that the computer is registered to...wait for it...Maple Leafs Sports & Entertainment! Hi Larry! But, um, if I may be so bold, for a man with your responsibilities Googling yourself is rather unseemly, don't you think?


Sherry said...

Instead of spending more money on more personnel, they could always you know...just hire a new genreal manager?

Twitch said...

Sherry, my dear. You doubt the all-knowing wisdom of Byzantine corporate structures?!? Careful, or MLSE will come after you too! They're everywhere!

Besides, I'm convinced JFJ has pictures. Lewd, bestial pictures.

Sherry said...

I'm betting he does. Richard Peddie looks like the type to get up to something unseemly. Just look at what he's done with the Leafs so far!

Anonymous said...

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