Monday, July 16, 2007

Mr. Tocchet Would Like To Assure The Court That He Is Completely Rehabilitated

You are Rick Tocchet. You currently find yourself on “indefinite leave of absence” from your job as Wayne Gretzky’s towel moistener assistant coach. In May, you plead guilty to charges of conspiracy and of promoting gambling after you were caught running a $500,000.00 gambling ring. On the 17th of August, you will be sentenced on those very charges. So, how do you spend the intervening time?

Well, if you or I were Rick Tocchet, I would think we would do all we could to convince the sentencing judge that we do not, in fact, belong in prison where our powerful hockey glutes, developed through years of falling on our ass, would prove a rather popular attraction to our fellow inmates. We would accomplish this by, say, doing charity work, or maybe buying puppies for leprous orphans. At the very least we would spend three months in our own house. Not. Touching. Anything.

But that only matters if you or I were Rick Tocchet. Rick Tocchet, the man, selected a slightly different approach. Displaying the acute judgment for which professional athletes are renowned, Rick Tocchet decided that the ideal way of impressing the judge overseeing his illegal gambling conviction would be to play in the World Series of Poker:

Former hockey star Rick Tocchet and Wayne Gretzky's wife, Janet Jones, are making gambling headlines again. Tocchet and Jones, who were named in a gambling scandal that put Gretzky in an unwanted spotlight, are trying their luck in the World Series of Poker.

Tocchet's name appears among those who survived the first round of the WSOP's $10,000 buy-in, no-limit Texas hold 'em main event at the Rio.

I think all convicted felons should do this while they await sentence. Drunk drivers should pound back 40s of Jack while working as valets. Drug dealers should rent a theatre and stage all night Dennis Hopper movie marathons complete with open snack bar. Bank robbers should hang out with Imperial Oil VPs.

After all Rick, there will be plenty of time for puppy buying later. I think they call it “parole”.

A little poker before court date [Las Vegas Review Journal]

1 comment:

Trevor Seeney said...

Very funny! Keep it up.

I have to tell you though that I don't think gambling is a serious crime. In my country, England, it is not a crime at all. And let's not lose sight of the fact that states and cities run lotteries which is a form of gambling. If the goverment can do it, why not Rick Tocchet?