Friday, February 1, 2008

Bruins 4, Sens 1: I Deride Your Truth Handling Ability

Paddock announced afterward that Ray Emery will start against the Maple Leafs tomorrow at Air Canada Centre. Goalie Martin Gerber, who allowed three goals on seven shots in the first, wasn't great, but didn't seem thrilled when he heard the news that Emery will be between the pipes.

"No comment," said Gerber.
Five For Smiting's crack team of cryptologists has spent all day...most of the afternoon...the last ten minutes poring over Swiss Pastry's interview, teasing the real message out from this statement. Consulting nothing but a WWII Enigma machine, some tea leaves and the evil monkey in our closet, we've decoded Pastry's words in order to discover their real meaning:

Son, we live in a world that has nets. And those nets have to be guarded by men with pads. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Ray Emery? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Nikolai Khabibulin and you curse Martin Gerber. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: That Emery’s implosion, while tragic, probably saved your Cup. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves Cups.

You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me in that net. You need me in that net. We use words like honour, code, loyalty...we use these words as the backbone to a life spent defending something. You use 'em as a headline.

I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very goaltending I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it. I'd prefer you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a stick and stand between the posts. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to.

Look COACH, I realize that you have to stand by your ego word. But I also want you to know that by doing what you're doing now, neither one of our "goaltenders" will be in any shape to play worth a damn come April and no amount of save-ass press conferences will keep you from wearing it. I'll see to it.

Let Pastry play.

Creamy Middle: Ten minutes. Two turnovers (thanks Jason!...asshat). One bad faceoff. Three goals. Game over. That was this game in a nutshell. For future reference, any time you hear the play-by-play guy scream "And there goes the shutout!" when the losing team scores a (disallowed) goal with nine minutes to go in the first period, you know it's going to be a bad night.

Up Next: After an eternity, the Battle of Ontario resumes at the ACC tomorrow night. Since the Laffs are involved, I'm assuming we're getting the CBC coast-to-coast treatment. Considering how we've been playing lately, and what happened last time, I can only hope that Grapes' semen stains are water soluble.

Behind Enemy Lines (...ish): Be sure to drop in on the other Battle of Ontario for all of your taunting needs. I know I'll be there. Because, you know, I haven't quite been kicked in the nuts often enough.

1 comment:

Loser Domi said...

Swiss Pastry'

Why has NOBODY gone for the obvious "Gerber Baby" connection here? I suppose he doesn't deserve it, but that would be the first derogatory nickname I'd think up.

Then again, I'm a Leafs fan. It's amazing I can tie my shoes and wipe up my own drool. /sarcasm