Friday, February 29, 2008

Flyers 3, Sens 1: Wade Redden Owes Me Twelve Bucks

I'm afraid I must insist. You see, my Beloved, she has been most vocal on the subject of the Pay Per View Refund monies. "Where's the money? "When are you going to get the money?" "Why aren't you getting the money now?" And so on...

The Highs
  • What's German for "I'm in your kitchen all night, Byotch!"?: Good evening Mr. Downie. My name is Christoph, and I will be treating you like the chicken shit punk you so obviously are by pounding your kidneys into schnitzel this evening. Would you like to hear our specials?
  • Anybody? Anybody at all? No? Fine, I'll do it: Speaking of everyone's favourite ass pimple, my man Fish went a long way to dragging himself out of the Sens Army doghouse with his spirited, if somewhat belated, defence of Dean McAmmond. Thanks Mike. By taking young Master Downie to school, you've restored our faith in the integrity of frontier justice, as it applies to our little game. That said, the fact that a) it took until late in the third period of our last game against the Flyers this season and b) Downie didn't leave the ice on a stretcher is a source of shame which will remain with us for some time.
  • Okay, once more from the top. Only this time, with FEELING!: Sure, the defensive brain farts were still in evidence. And yes, our propensity and talent for brutal giveaways remain for all the world to see, note, and salivate over. But for the first time since Christmas, I could actually tell that our boys wanted it. They didn't get it, but at the very least, they looked like they wanted it. A (very small) building block around which THE COMEBACK can be fashioned? Or the fevered imaginings of the author's delusions? Discuss.
The Lows:
  • You have 24 hours to give us our money. And to show you we're serious… you have 12 hours: Of all the players on this team who should have responded to Teflon's axing with their best game of the year (and there are so...SO many), you, Wade, were the number one candidate. So what did we get? For starters, we were treated to the sight of your useless, pathetic stick flail on Knuble's tying goal, when by rights, he would never have been in a position to score had you done your job and put him on his ass. The icing on the cake, of course, was your beautiful, nay, damn near elegant slide into Rayzor (who's having his own little issues I should point out), thereby knocking the puck into your own net and pretty much killing any hope of a comeback. Well done. Please feel free to make a donation, in my name, in the amount of $10.95 (plus tax) to the charity of your choice. Oh...and turn in your "A" while your at it.
  • NHL Officials. Putting the "sodomy" in "butt end" since 1917: Look, I know it's a tough job. We fans, sitting at home, have the benefit of replay. You don't. You have to make a split decision based on what your brain tells you your eyes saw. We can analyze ad infinitum from multiple angles, in high definition, with frame by frame blow ups if we so desire. In addition, you have all of that hooking, interference and obstruction to ignore, thus regressing the flow of the game back to pre-lockout tempo. I get that. But after seeing you give Golden Groin five and a game for an offence (an offence no camera could find, it should be noted) supposedly perpetrated while being pummeled by three separate Flyers in a goal mouth scrum started by a Marty Biron cross check, I can only wonder whether Colly Campbell has been fishing for talent at the shallow end of the gene pool.
  • Well, it didn't take long for you to fit in, did it?: Welcome Marty Lapointe. On behalf of Senators fans everywhere, I'd like to thank you for your valiant effort at fitting seamlessly into the line up. And by that, I mean thanks for largely disappearing in the last two periods as well as your truly Spezza-esque turnover on our own blue line, which resulted in a Philly scoring chance, late in the third. Welcome aboard! That's exactly why we gave for you. At least next time, pick a fight would ya?
Pithy observations of questionable importance from a PPV virgin:
  • Hi Mom! I'm on the Tee-Vee!: Note to "SensTV" talent scouts. When trying to pump up the home team during a brutal losing streak by doing one of those now fashionable "Gosh, let's grab him coming off the ice between shifts!" interviews, it might be better to give a relatively attractive, yet clearly clueless "sideline reporter" (Hi Trish!) a better question to throw at The Captain than (and I'm paraphrasing here, but not by much) "So...must have been pretty bad, what with all the sucking over the last three months. Can you possibly turn it around?" Then again, I guess we should all be thankful she didn't uptalk, or use "like" after every second word.
  • "After Forty Minutes"-- Brought to you by Cousin Bob's Bait Shop And Erotic Doll Emporium: On HNIC we get Ron McLean and a relatively knowledgeable panel of NHL experts on a swanky set in downtown Toronto. On SensTV, we are treated to Gord Wilson and a panel of deeply concussed former players discussing how "we're getting SO screwed!" on a set framed by a wrinkled bed sheet held together with clothes pins and coaxial cables running between the legs of their lawn chairs. Please contrast and compare.
Creamy Middle:

In Bryan We Trust. What we saw last night should gladden our hearts, Sens fans. No, really. While we obviously didn't benefit from the usual bounce most teams experience after having their head coach replaced, I'm attributing that to the lack of "new coach smell" (might want to change your cologne there, Bryan). But what we did see is something that has been sadly lacking since December: Emotion. All the other issues (DEFENCE!, passes that don't end up in skates, and dare I say, goaltending) are simple mechanics that can be straightened out in practice. But now our guys look like they might be caring again. And that, really, is all we've wanted to see for the last two months. Well, okay. Seeing that other stuff would be cool too.

Up Next:

Pittsburgh's Flightless Birds, tomorrow afternoon, at the Bank. Coast-to-Coast on the Cee-Bee-Cee. They have some much ballyhooed guy named "Hossa" who won't be playing due to a knee injury. But watch out for perennial Sens killer Colby Arm -- oh wait. Never mind.

Update: Habs beat Sabres! Take Over Lead In Division! Senators Now In Fifth In Eastern Conference! Dewey Beats Truman!

I'll believe it when I see the (much more sober than I, at the moment) headlines tomorrow. Bryan, I believe you have your motivation. Now repeat after me: SENATORS! SMASH!


HabsFan29 said...

"But Marge, the little guy hasn't done anything yet. He's gonna do something and you know it's gonna be good". Man I love that episode.

k ive got 3 or 4 hours left to enjoy first place. how does one do that exactly? it's been years, i can't remember

Senators Lost Cojones said...

Well, 29, if you're anything like me, you break out the good scotch, fire up a stogy, and chuckle in a condescending fashion at innocent passers by.

Oh, and snort a line of coke off the tender breast of a Nicaraguan hooker. Wait, what? Stupid outside voice...

HabsFan29 said...

well I enjoyed it while it lasted. but that hooker Maria was pissed when I kicked her out

Angry Guy said...

Awesome. But it was "Up Next" that truly made my day. Now it's our turn to bang on Home Alone with Evgeni Malkin and the Magical Lay Down Kid. Oh. I guess Malkin's still Home Alone.