Friday, February 22, 2008

Definitely NOT Insects 3, Sens 2(SO): Mommy Drinks Because You SUCK!


Sit down boys. Sit please. I have to talk to you. I'm not asking agai -- What was that Jason? No, you certainly cannot be excused to go play with Dany! Seriously, sit down -- Wade, stop poking your -- I SAID SIT DOWN AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!

What the hell is wrong with you?!?! Your mother and I are at the end of our ropes. We honestly don't know what to do with you anymore. We've tried everything. We've asked nicely. We've tried to bargain. We tried talking to your teacher. We even tried talking to the principal, because I thought it may have even been the teacher's fault...for all the good it did. And still...STILL...you just won't...refuse to...SHIT!...you DON'T LISTEN! Every goddamned time it's the same goddamned thing! "Yes Daddy, we'll be good." "Sure Dad, we'll do better. We PROMISE!" And, sure, that lasts for a couple of days...but then I get pulled out of a fucking meeting --an IMPORTANT meeting -- by a call from your Mom, usually after she's had a couple of belts to calm down, because Ray trashed the secretary's car, or Randy got beat up by a girl again. It's always something! And now this. Yet another note from school. Anybody want to guess what this is about? Anton? What? I can't hear you. Speak up please. Yes, that's right. The note is about last night. But you knew that didn't you? Right Daniel? You knew that? What? You didn't? You DIDN'T?? DON'T LIE TO ME BOY! You're already in a world of hurt, so don't make it worse. For Christ's sake, you're the oldest! Try to lead by example.

This thing is eight fucking pages long. Eight pages! And it's full of the same crap as the last one! "Jason ambivalent to instruction. Lack of willingness to sacrifice fueled by indifference." "Ray disruptive to the class. Must show greater commitment in order to reach full potential". "As a group, goals remain unfocused. Lack of effort leading to results below expectations." "Wade needs to show greater leadership. Talents remain lapsed. May benefit from transfer to another school district." Transfer to another district! Is that what you want, to be transferred?? No?? Then stop being such a fucking useless lump, go back to the way you were, the ways that got you that huge raise in your allowance, and show me something dammit!

We are so SICK OF THIS SHIT! It has to stop. There's less than 6 weeks left in the school year and if ANY of you want to graduate, this shit STOPS NOW! Do you hear me? So here is the way it's going to be. For the next six week, you guys WILL bust your asses. You will do what you're told, when you're told to do it, you will not bitch about it, and I will NOT ACCEPT ANY MORE EXCUSES! Otherwise, I'm blowing this whole family up. Some we'll keep, some we'll send to live with relatives and some will just be cut fucking loose to live on the streets! Get it? DO YOU GET IT NOW?? Oh, stop crying Andreij. We're all adults here. Suck it up.

So here's the deal. You don't give a shit? Well then, neither will I. Prove to me you want to be here, and we're good. Don't...well fuck you too. It's all up to you. Now go to your rooms. We need you to be well rested for your trip tomorrow. God knows I don't want you pushed around by a bunch of kids even younger than you are. And make no mistake. I'll be watching, so no more of that half assed shit, do you understand?

Now go to bed. I have to go out and buy another fifth of bourbon. Your mother is having her bridge club over tonight.

6 comments:

Bethany said...

:( At least you got a point right? Okay, I know that doesn't make things better...sorry.

Sherry said...

SLC, you sound like a great father. If such loving, paternal advice doesn't get through to them, I don't know what will.

Loser Domi said...

one of the greatest rants ever, and you've put out quite a few great ones...Sherry's right, you are a great father, full of sage advice

Stephanie said...

Great rant! Found it from a link on Barry Melrose Rocks site, and let me say, it's nice to know that even fans of a top-rated team like Ottawa can sometimes feel let down by some questionable team effort. Now, if you could just come to Buffalo and give our team the same pep talk when it loses the will to play...

Senators Lost Cojones said...

Beth: Sadly, "at least we got the point" has become our new mantra.

Sherry: Hey, worked for my dad. And look *tic* what a well *tic* balanced, responsible *tic* person I've become *tic*.

p.s.: And glad to have you back. Hope all went well.

LD: Needs more "belt" though. Don't you think?

Stephanie: Hello and welcome! I am eternally grateful to The Mullet. But...um...I think the Sabres might be beyond even my powers.

KMS2 said...

Haha, very nice rant! Looks like it worked since your buys squeaked out a win today.