Wednesday, January 30, 2008

The Rayzor Chronicles: What Happens In Vegas...Gets Your Ass Traded To Outer Mongolia

Handy man special. Good foundation, fundamentally sound. Needs electrical work (rewiring) particularly in attic. $7 million, or best offer. Inquire: E. Melnyk, c/o Bert's Bar, Rockley, Christ Church, Barbados.

Okay. I think I get it now. Granted, it took me a while, but I just needed a little time to make some sense of it. First I calmed down. I meditated. I pondered. I got mad again. I punched another nun. I calmed down. I slept on it. I wandered through the backyard desert in deep contemplation, wearing only a torn loincloth and subsisting on a diet of locusts and dirt. I prayed. I froze my nutsack. I wandered some more. I even thunk me some. Soon enough, my spirit guide appeared before me in the guise of (NSFW-ish) Ana Ivanovic slathered in baby oil (mental note for all future cold-weather desert wanderings: wear pants).

Gazing upon me with eyes that held the wisdom of a million years, she spoke, each word a drop of cool water on a parched tongue. "Dirt? Really? The dude ain't worth that. And you need to get a life". With that, she was gone. But not before I was filled with the light of inspiration! Thank you Spirit Guide! You have imparted your wisdom and left me with the only logical conclusion. Ray Emery ain't worth dirt! Nor is he worth a lot of other things you're likely to find lying around my backyard desert (you've met my dog, right?). And that's the problem.

Ray Emery's days as an Ottawa Senator are done (Sorry Sherry). We all know this, and I for one rejoice in it. His behaviour hasn't changed, he still doesn't practice hard, he's still the first guy off the ice after practice, he can't stop a stiff breeze and it seems he's also pretty stupid. Two hours to go a distance of 13 miles in a city with the most extensive public transit/taxi system on the planet? Really Ray?

Then there's the off ice stuff. Everybody knows about the tats, and the cockroach and the road rage. But there are also some nasty rumours floating around these here interwebs, children. Darker rumours about Ray and his possible off ice "pursuits". I'll let someone with a bigger readership and deeper lawyer-paying pockets break that little story (that said, I encourage everyone to read Erin's post at the Universal Cynic. Cough, indeed). And now this...again. It's too much Ray. Here's the rub, Sens fans. He can't stay here, but neither can we ship him anywhere else.

Murray doesn't want to send him to the minors. Not because of any compassion he may feel for Ray (lovely, "father knows best" soundbites aside), but because, according to the CBA, he'd have to put him on waivers first. Some other team could claim him on the way down to Bingo, which I think would be a godsend as it would rid us of both the headache and the salary. Yes, it would suck not to get anything in return, but this is strictly a "cut your losses" situation. HOWEVAH!, there's a little wrinkle to the waiver rules. If for some reason he is recalled to Ottawa, he has to clear them again, only this time, if he's picked up by another team, Ottawa is stuck paying half his salary. Even JFJ could work that out to his advantage. Somewhere, Ted Saskin is laughing his ass off.

He's untradeable. Very few GMs not named Mike Millbury would make a deal for a guy who doesn't care about the team, can't stay out of trouble either off the ice or on it, can't play worth a damn, seems to be incorrigible and comes with a 7.5 million dollar cap hit (Hugh Adami at the Ottawa Citizen has an unintentionally hilarious idea how a trade could work...but I'm sure once he sobers up, he'll come to his senses). Add that to the possibility that the aforementioned rumours may be true, bearing in mind that 90% of the league's dirty laundry, common knowledge inside the insular world of the NHL, never makes it into the press, and no GM in his right mind deals for Emery.

So, as far as I can see, the Sens have two options. Send him down to Bingo and let him rot out the rest of his contract there. If someone claims him on the way down, oh well. Or two, buy him out and release him to free agency. In other words, T.O. his ass.

I like option #2 better. Sure we'd take a small cap hit, pro-rated over the next two years. And that would suck. But do you know what would suck even more? Passing up an opportunity to tell Ray that this is all of his doing, he brought it on himself, and that the Ottawa Senators, as an organization, has never, will not now, and will never put up with shit like this from anybody at anytime.

Goodbye Ray. We warned you once about how we fans treat arrogant and irresponsible punks who think they're bigger than the team. Now go home and get your fucking shine box.


Sherry said...

You don't have to apologize, SLC. I'm well aware that it can't possibly be healthy for him to stick around.

But then again, I'm a big believer in second chances. Unfortunately, he's working on his 4th or 5th chance. He seemed truly apologetic today and if his off-ice problems are as huge as the rumours and innuendo are suggesting then I refuse to believe the Senators didn't know anything about it in the first place, yet they believed in him enough to take a gamble on him and now they're stuck with him. He has to know that they made a huge investment on him and they might be the only one who might be able to 'fix' him.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I really hate to give up on this guy but it might be it. As for his off-ice pursuits, I've heard things too from sources that are somewhat reliable but considering it's nature I'm not going to go anywhere near it and continue to live in my world of sunshine and lollipops.

Loser Domi said...

I'm only putting this up so I can watch it again. Plus because he is Ray Mutha-fukin' EMERY, beyotch!