Thursday, July 31, 2008

Dear ESPN: Please Continue To Ignore Hockey. No, Really. You're Just Embarassing Yourselves

Pity the poor ESPN hockey writer, toiling away, as he must, in a windowless room in the basements of Bristol, amidst rusty bike racks and the detritus of Chris Berman ego explosions, charged with the unenviable task of coming up with something, anything, to fill his content quota during one of the most uneventful off-seasons in recent memory. Last summer was sweet. Last summer was happenin'! If it wasn't Rick Tocchet and his rather unusual interpretation of "rehab", it was a marauding gang of Staal brothers terrorizing rural Minnesota, or the Leafs reaching hitherto unheard of heights of incompetence. Last summer rocked! This year? Not so much.

So we really can't blame Scott Burnside, one of tWWL's resident hockey "writers" for seeking refuge in that last resort of columnists desperate to fill space, and quite possibly the most heinous of all sports punditry creations after the Top 10 List...league Power Rankings. But NHl Power Rankings? NHL Power Rankings in July? NHL Power Rankings in July that dismiss our Ottawa Senators and doom them to miss the playoffs in one paltry sentence? Really Scott?
10. Ottawa Senators
The Senators have devolved quickly from a Stanley Cup finalist in 2007 into a one-line team with ordinary goaltending.
Now I don't know Mr. Burnside. I've never met Mr. Burnside. I'm sure he's a very nice fellow. But his "assessment" of our favourites, when taken together with his rather bizarre rationale on giving Pittsburgh the Conference title in the face of their recent pillaging, leaves us with but one logical, inescapable, conclusion: Years of toiling in Disney's underground typing caves has obviously driven Mr. Burnside insane and he should probably be institutionalized as quickly as possible so as to minimize the danger to himself, his loved ones, and most of all, to the innocent hockey loving passers by.

But for this, we can be especially thankful: nobody reads ESPN's hockey coverage anyway.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Of course....to be in a thirty team league and be power ranked at 10....puts you ahead of twenty teams......and in a league where 16 teams make the playoffs.....how does the 10th ranked team miss? Mrs. Burnside's son is tearing lumps off of his mother's pride.

JC Ottawa

Gabriel said...

JC, he's got them ranked 10th in the Eastern Conference. So, behind 19 or so other teams in the league.

HabsFan29 said...

oh jeez look, it's a post! this summer is killing all of us

when i said over at FHF "care to comment SLC?" i did not expect a quality rant against tWWL. well done

But then again, I can enjoy myself considering where that genius Burnside put the Habs

Senators Lost Cojones said...

What can I say 29? Quality rants are my business.

And thanks for the post idea. I was this close to pulling an Ecklund and just start making shit up

PPP said...

but...but...you guys ARE a one-line team.

Past Spezza-Heatley-Alfie there is no secondary scoring significant enough to warrant a higher ranking.

10th in the conference is ridiculous. I would say 6-8.

nate. said...

Basing the sens success in the coming season on whether they have secondary scoring is just rediculous. I would point to several other factors before secondary scoring is considered.
The sens were a 1 line team when they went to the finals the second line was a strong defensive presence but 10 points in 20 games by mike fisher was the closest thing they had to secondary scoring. Last season when they had that great start... it was mike fisher and antoine vermette who produced any kind of secondary scoring and they are still on the team. Scott Burnside is a moron of epic proportions and we should all just ignore the corner cutting crap that he calls sportswriting.
Theyve always been a 1 line team and i for one am just fine with it.
Depending on the signing of mezaros there is no reason to think they cant contend in the east, atleast.