Saturday, March 8, 2008

Mm Hmm? Yes? And If I Can Obtain For You Such An Animal?

We here at Five For Smiting take great pride in our ability to bring only the finest of ill informed opinion and conjecture to our gentle readers. It is an ability...nay, a responsibility...we take very seriously. In order to fulfill that responsibility, we use a process built on a gelatinous foundation of rumour, innuendo and alcohol, the integrity of which is jealously guarded with an enthusiasm bordering on zealotry. So when our research department, ably led by our Chief Canine Sir Humphrey Fartsalot and his team of poo flinging simians, digs up a downright amateurish attempt by the MSM to usurp that process, it leaves us no choice but to act:

PHOENIX -- After the Ottawa Senators raced to a 15-2 record, it would have been unthinkable. Even a couple of weeks ago, when they still sat atop the Eastern Conference, it would have been beyond the realm of possibility. But now it's such a tangible reality square in front of them that even they cannot ignore it: These Ottawa Senators may not hang on to a playoff position.

Now, please don't misunderstand. I admire the attempt, no matter how clumsy it may be. However, the lack of decisiveness, of passion...of league, don't you think?

Having closely analyzed the results garnered so far on this road trip, as well as having borne witness to the Senators truly execrable level of play over the last three plus months, I can categorically refute the above statement and say with utter certainty that these Ottawa Senators WILL NOT hang on to a playoff spot. It's self evident, really. In actual fact, so certain is the Five For Smiting Research Arm of this outcome, that it is already compiling a list of individuals who are most responsible for this abomination. The names "Murray", "Spezza", "Gerber" and "Emery" have already been written onto the ballot. In ink. All that remains is to determine the order of finish (all suggestions welcome in the comments).

And so, Mr. Panzeri, while I admire your enthusiasm, I suggest you leave this kind of thing to the professionals. Unless we manage to beat Phoenix tonight. In which case, all bets are off and of course we'll make the playoffs.

When that happens, I can always just blame my stupid dog.

Just Getting There Now Goal No. 1 [Ottawa Citizen]


Dany Healtey Speedwagon said...

I'm left wondering if I'm the only one who comments (very infrequently mind you) does that also mean I'm the only one who reads?

Senators Lost Cojones said...

Well, DHS, my sitemeter says that there are other visitors (they can't all be feed readers...can they?)

As for comments...well, as your mother no doubt told you, if you can't say anything nice...

PEISenators said...

The sedatives from the last western swing just wore off for some of us.

Been reading the blog since I first saw it on Deadspin (or maybe MYFO) but have been holding off on commenting until I can think of a good catchy 3-word commenter name. Still working on it.

Senators Lost Cojones said...

PEI: Might I suggest you saw it on MYFO. Had it been Deadspin, I would probably still be extremely aroused and thus, incapable of a coherent thought.

Wow. PEI Senators. I'd completely forgotten about our former farm team there. Keep the name. It may be one word to long (I keed...I keed), but...perfect.