In Case Of Emergency Pull Goalie

Okay boys, gather 'round. I have something very important to say to all of you and I need your undivided attention. What I'm about to ask of you will require focus, determination and your full commitment to team goals. It won't be easy, but I'm sure you have it in you.

As you know, we currently sit four points out of ninth with three games to go. I think you'll all agree with me that this is an unacceptable situation. In fact, I would go so far as to say that you all should be embarrassed by your collective lack of faith in what we are trying to achieve here. However, we can take some solace in the fact that our fate is still very much in our own hands. Yes, gentlemen, we control our destiny and no one else. It is NOT too late. So I will reiterate our chosen end of season strategy, if only to impress upon you the importance of working together, as one.

You are going to lose those three games. All of them. In spectacular fashion. Ah, ah, ah...I will not truck with your doubts! We CAN do it, no matter the cost! And here's how:

Alfie, Spezz and Heater, you're sitting out. Your regular roster spots will be filled by Timmy Johnson*, the left winger on my nephew's Timbits team, a small block of gouda and the dessicated corpse of One-Eyed Frank McGee who will be controlled from the rafters by the trainers through a series of puppet strings. Think of it as Weekend At Bernie's on ice.

Fish, I want you to wear your skates on the wrong foot. And you will only be allowed to skate backwards. Verms and Cory, you have each been issued new sticks with the curve removed. Oh, and I should also mention that they've been cut to a length of 7 and 3/4 inches. Neiler, you've been enlisted into the French Foreign Legion. Your flight leaves in an hour. Don't bother showering.

Let's see...what have I missed. Oh, right! Gratz, congratulations! You're now the captain. For the next three games, you'll be getting forty-five minutes of ice time, so don't let me down! Kelli (with an i!) has been kind enough to sign up as your centre...er...person. She looks very good in stockings, and her hourly rates are quite reasonable, at least according to her personals ad. Now she is a rookie after all, so you, as the veteran, will need to watch closely for nipple chafe. Or was that vapour lock? Either way, pay attention!

The entire fourth line will now consist of rejected understudies from the Off-Broadway production of Wizard of Oz, The Sequel: Munchkins Revenge. As for you Gerbs, you...um...just keep doing what you've been doing.

There you have it gentlemen. As I told you, just put your faith in me, and you will meet, nay...SURPASS!...those goals which obviously lay so close to your hearts.

But it's more than that, really. I'm a big believer in "TEAM". And don't we owe it to each other to go out as one, as a true "TEAM, after all that we've been through over the past six months? All of the laughter, all of the sweat, blood and...yes...tears? I believe we do. And so should you.

So we stand at the precipice gentlemen. Within our grasp is that for which we have journeyed so far, battled so long.

Three games. That's all I ask. For we are not so different, you and I. Our twin desires are not so incompatible that we cannot weld them together in a mutually beneficial symbiosis of breathtaking simplicity. You will escape the (unpaid) soul crushing grind of post-season play, while we avoid the heart wrenching, and almost certain embarrassment of a first round, four game sweep. I only ask that you trust me. We will all be better for it.

Now get out there and suck!

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the humiliated.