IT'S HOPELESS!! UTTERLY HOPELESS!! Unless...

Hi Martin. It's me, SLC.

Now I realize that we may have gotten off on the wrong foot here, what with me hanging the "Swiss Pastry" moniker on you (and not the infinitely cooler "Swiss Cheese", I should add in my own defence). Oh...and of course there was the time when I wanted you traded for a bag of pucks. And hung in the ScotiaBank Place parking lot. Yeah...um...awkward. But...er...waddya say there Buddy? Friend? Oh pal 'o mine? Bygones, oui?

See, here's the problem. God help us, but we need you. I need you. I need you to shrug off your natural tendency toward non-confrontation and passivity, toward decorum, neutrality and utmost respect for obscure banking laws. Martin, I...nay, WE...need you to dump your innate "Swiss-ness". We need you to reach up and grab the #1 goaltending spot by the throat, wring its fucking neck, and not let go until mid June. And we need it to start tonight.

Why, you may ask? Well, how about, if you don't, you've left us with this:

"One of the things I would do over is the (Emery) stuff," Paddock said during a conference call. "Not really the tardiness. The tardiness has been there the last couple of seasons. I don't think there was really any change in how he was handled. When it came to being late five minutes before practice or five minutes after, I didn't let him practise.

"I should have put him off the ice when he wasn't working. I'm not talking about coming out early or staying late. It's just during practice. That would have been that accountability that they talk about. That's the one thing I would do differently."

When asked for a comment yesterday after practice -- how appropriate -- Emery refused to talk to the media.

Now, I've heard that you've been trying to assert a bigger leadership role in the room. And that's commendable. But...um...can you assert a little faster there, pal? Not to put too fine a point on it, but it's all on you now Gerbs. Without you, we're left with Coach Killer and his infuriating, and wholly undeserved sense of entitlement. Without you, we're done in the first round. So waddya say? Are you ready to cowboy up? Is Darth Gerber ready for a comeback?