Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Hey Steve! Didja Hear? The Sens Are…Steve? Yo Steve! Where Are You Going?

It was with great anticipation (and not a little bit of glee) that I settled in Sunday morning to watch TSN’s The Reporters.

Considering what had happened the day before (what’s that girl? The Senators are in the Finals? Quick! Go tell Timmy! I think he’s by the well!) I was anxious to see Steve Simmons contort himself into linguistic knots trying to assure his fan that the hockey universe did indeed still revolve around the Air Canada Centre and that Ottawa, all evidence to the contrary still sucks. Dancing in my head were wonderful images of ole’ Steve-O flopping around on the desk like a gutted trout after being forced to say “Senators” and “Stanley Cup Final” in the same sentence, the gagging noises eventually reaching frequencies audible only to dogs, while staring bug-eyed into the wrong camera. Oh the glory of it!

Alas it was not to be. Imagine my chagrin, when Dave Hodge introduced the panel and Steve wasn’t on it. Curses! Not to be denied my IN THE FACE! moment, I picked up a copy of the Sun. Surely, I thought, there would something in the fetid swamp that is his Sunday column. He couldn’t possibly ignore us, could he? And what did I find there but… almost nothing.

Amidst the flotsam of his usual brain droppings, was a one sentence (of course) piece to the effect of “Gee, that Daniel Alfreddsson sure is good!”. I can’t remember the exact wording as I’ve thrown out the paper and the Canoe website seems to have “misplaced” that particular column in favour of his equally uninformative post from Detroit, but it’s close enough to the gist to stand up in court.

His silence can only mean one thing. He is currently ensconced in his Underground Hack Bunker preparing a hard hitting seven part investigative report on how a Senators Stanley Cup championship is meaningless because they didn't beat the Leafs in the playoffs.

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