That Tingling Sensation In Your Pants? That's Hockey, Baby!

I can almost smell it. Can you? A mix of sweat, blood, beer, hope, elation, terror...popcorn. And that's just my Lazy-Boy.

We're almost there kids. Two games left in the Silly Season (please no owies...please no owies), home-and-home against Les Habitants, then the winged metal tube for the long awaited chance to kick Sidney Crysby and the freshly eviscerated Penguins right in the umlauts. Oh yeah...good times.

While I'll wait to see who gets on the plane Sunday afternoon before doing up my season preview in the manner to which you both have become accustomed, I thought I'd throw out the projected regular season line combos as imagined by Don Brennan, resident purveyor of crappy rumours and general bon vivant at the Ottawa Sun. For the first time in this blog's recorded history, Mr. Brennan and your humble scribe are somewhat in agreement:

Heatley-Spezza-Winchester
Vermette-Kelly-Alfredsson
Ruutu-Fisher-Neil
Foligno-Cody Bass-McAmmond/Donovan

Ladies and gentlemen, please direct your attention to the 4th line centre, highlighted here for your reading convenience. Have your credit cards ready. Operators are standing by.

Claude Lemieux Would Like To Be Punched In The Face One Last Time

Photo: Getty Images

Other than a never ending obsession with finding the perfect poutine, my French Canadian upbringing also lent me the absolutely perfect turn of phrase to describe people so maddening, so infuriating, so...so...so goddamn loathsome...that without it, one is reduced to inarticulate grunting and wild arm gestures whenever that person's name is uttered in polite company: Il y a une face a bûcher dedans. Loosely translated, it means His very face just makes you want to cave it in with a Buick. By way of demonstration, compare and contrast, if you will, the following exchanges:

Exchange #1:

Dude #1: So, I hear Claude Lemieux wants to try a comeback.
Dude #2: What?? That bastard?? He's 43 years old!
Dude #1: I take it you're not a fan?
Dude #2: He's just such...he a fucking...God I...I mean...plbbttt!!! huhhhnnn! He just...hate him so...GAAAAAHH!! Accidentally punches passing smokin'-hot waitress in face with frustrated arm swing.

Exchange #2:

Dude #1: So, I hear Claude Lemieux wants to try a comeback.
Dude #2: What?? That bastard?? He's 43 years old!
Dude #1: I take it you're not a fan?
Dude #2: His very face makes me want to cave it in with a Buick. Passing smokin'-hot waitress, so impressed with your command of the hyperbolic metaphor, slips you her phone number. And that of her twin sister.

See? As the French also say...Le mot juste! And it perfectly encapsulates my feelings when I hear that Claude Lemieux is indeed, considering a comeback.

But hey. If it leads to more instances of this, then I'm all for it:

Where Have You Been Young Man?

Well, if you must know...over here.

The rookie tournament is done. Training camp opened today. The first preseason game goes in less then 96 hours. 18 days and counting until the puck drops for real.

Oh mah word! Is it getting hot in heyah, or is it jus' little 'ole me?

Excuse Me, Mister Garrioch? Why Are You Dragging Us Into This?

A friend of mine told me the other day that he's developed a theory on how Boo Boo writes his columns. It goes something like this. Step 1: Down 26oz. bottle of absinthe. Step 2: Scribble series of ridiculous rumours flights of fancy hallucinations “story ideas” on a bunch of bar napkins, which are then placed in a circular pattern on the table. Step 3: Spin empty bottle to determine subject. Steps 4 through 6: Flashback to painful adolescence and engage in awkward closet grope with fellow barfly; file random series of misspelled words with editor; stagger home. Repeat as necessary.

And the proof, as they say, is in the manure pile:

Mats Sundin in a Senators uniform? It may never happen, but it won't be for lack of trying on Ottawa's part...two league sources told Sun Media yesterday that Senators GM Bryan Murray has made at least three calls expressing his club's interest in the centre.

My God Bruce!! What a fantastic scoop! Three whole calls! Wow. I for one am shocked, SHOCKED, that The Bryan would bother doing his job and make any contact whatever with the Sundin camp, at any point, especially for so trivial a reason as simply getting a better idea on what Mats may, or may not be planning on the extremely thin chance he could improve his hockey club.

Prithee, oh great sage, whatever could be standing in the way of such a coup?

The Senators, who have already committed about $52 million of the $56.7-million salary cap for next season, would have to make another move to free up space to add Sundin.

Ah, yes. I see. In order to free up sufficient cap space to match the twenty million dollar offer Vancouver already has on the table, The Bryan would have to trade away or cut the bottom two lines, three defencemen and most of the janitorial staff, and replace them with homeless meth addicts willing to work for food.

But surely, with a deal your sources insist is possible...surely, the Sundin camp is willing to compromise for a chance to finally lift the Grail?

"I'm not going to confirm or deny that (the Senators) are among the teams interested," [Sundin agent J.P.] Barry...told Sun Media. "If Mats decides that he's going to play, then we'll follow up with the teams that have shown an interest."

Um...okay then. So Bruce...to paraphrase, if I may:

Your "sources" are telling you that based on three phone calls over a five month period, The Bryan is willing to blow up the pretty good if by no means championship caliber (yet) roster he so painstakingly built over the summer to make a last minute play for a 37-year old centre who can't decide whether he even wants to play this year let alone where, and whose agent will neither "confirm nor deny" that an offer has even been made by the Senators despite the fact that it would be in his client's best interest to do so as a broader bidding war can only drive up the price.

Is that about right? Was that the "gist" of the matter, as they say "in the biz"? It is? Great! Anything else you'd like to add? Anything that would, perhaps, serve to save your day's work from collapsing into the fetid, Simmons-esque swamp of putrid hackery? There is? Great! Have at it.

But don't be surprised if Sundin doesn't make a decision before Christmas.

Oh, for Christ's sake. Bruce, I'm begging you. Do not milk this non-story for three months. But if you do, pass me that damn bottle, would you?

Welcome Mats? [Ottawa Sun]

Caveat Emptor! Or How Barry Melrose Spent His Summer Vacation

Photo: Rick Stewart/Getty Images

Because we're all about the love here at Five For Smiting, I thought I'd offer a our newest victims patsies friends in the great city of Tampa a quick primer on what they can expect from their latest four-million dollar acquisition, Andrej "Sta-Puft" Meszaros.

The first thing you need to do, now that Mesz will be your highest paid D-man and the presumptive anchor on your blue line is...get a better goalie. I know, I know. "But we have Kolzig! Ollie THE Goalie! Waddya mean, get a "better" goalie!" Sorry folks. That ain't going to be enough. Now that you've entrusted #14 with protecting your own end, you'd better try to talk Patrick Roy out of retirement. Or Vladislav Tretiak (after all, he and Ollie are about the same age). Or maybe dig up the rotting corpse of Georges Vezina. Anything.

Second, buy a thesaurus. You'll want to have at the ready as many synonyms for the word "soft" as possible, if only to come up with witty alternatives to the standard "BOOOO!". And if, while watching your home town heroes, you lose sight of the boy, don't bother looking in the corners because he won't be there. Your best bet is to watch for the first guy heading to the bench.

Now, don't get me wrong, Tampa. We kinda liked the kid before he went all "Yashin" on us. And I'm totally convinced he absolutely will not pull the "I'm under paid!" card two years from now and hold out on his existing contract. Totally! Don't even worry about it!

Really, you should be overjoyed. You've managed to land a 22 year old first round pick who had a rookie season good enough to be considered for the Calder. Of course he spent that year playing next to Zdeno Chara...and his two years playing with Wade Redden (whom, you may have noticed, we also let walk) could best be described as a disappointment, if by "disappointment" you mean "so infuriating it made Sens fans want to jam sporks through their eyeballs to lessen the pain".

But still! $24,000,000.00!! What a steal! And what did you have to give up, really? Filip Kuba? The only defenceman wearing the big bolt other coaches actually worried about? Bah! Alexandre Picard? A 23 year-old stud, drafted 8th overall who, in the words of Tampa fans in the know, will "hit anything that moves"? Piffle! A first round pick?? 'Tis but a trifle! After all, San Jose won't suck that much...will they?

On the flip side, watching all of those opposing forwards dance and skip through, around and over Andrej's flailing stick should make for some exciting times down at the 'ole Times-Forum. Have fun with that.

Update: Did you know that there are two "Alexandre Picard"s playing in the NHL? I didn't. And neither, apparently does TSN. Their original story on the trade linked to this guy, first round pick (8th over all) of the Blue Jackets. Our Alexandre Picard is this guy, who went 3rd round, 85th overall. I probably should have noticed the linked bio was from the wrong team...but I'm still pummeling the first TSN I/T monkey I find about the head and neck. Just on general principle.

Sunday Soapbox: A Sens Fan Code Of Conduct -- Don't Say I Didn't Warn You

Having abandoned all hope of ever seeing socially responsible behaviour from its players, the 800lb gorilla of sport leagues, that bastion of joie-de-vivre, the NFL has turned its attention to its more, shall we say...enthusiastic...fans by instituting a "Fan's Code Of Conduct" which will be policed and enforced by the individual teams.

Having been to a few Buffalo Bills games, where the New York State Troopers will happily assist you in carrying your two-four (sorry..."flat") of Old Milwaukee from the 7-Eleven across the road to the stadium parking lots three hours before kick-off, I can only say...um...yeah. Good luck with that. Trust me, "intoxication or other signs of alcohol impairment that results in irresponsible behavior" is the only way to gird yourself against the horrors that are the Ralph Wilson Stadium bathrooms (you cannot call yourself a man until you've spent a halftime trying to pee in a trough with 974 of your closest, newest friends yelling at you to HURRY DA FUCK UP!! DEY'S CLOSIN' DA BEER STANDS!!!).

But it did get me thinking (in and of itself a minor miracle during the dog-days off the off-season). This is precisely the kind of thing that needs to be instituted at SBP. So, showing the prescient community activism for which I've become known, I give you "Because This Shit Really Pisses Me Off: A Senators Fan Code Of Conduct For Attendance At All And Future Games At ScotiaBank Place". You'll thank me for this later.

1) Whiny self-righteousness will no longer be tolerated! Any person in attendance, having spent the entire game silently sitting on his or her hands but who then feels the urge to castigate, in a loud, sarcastic voice, those sitting in the two rows immediately in front of him or her for standing, swearing at a bad call, dancing, holding up witty home made banners or otherwise showing any sign that they are actually having a good time, shall be escorted to centre ice by security staff whence, between periods, he or she will be tarred, feathered and mercilessly mocked over the Public Address System as a self-absorbed tight ass who thinks the world should revolve around them.

2) Anyone caught trying to start "The Wave" will be summarily shot. Self explanatory.

3) All cell phones in the Lower Bowl will be confiscated and returned to their owners at the end of the game. Those who feel the need to incessantly rise and wave at the camera each and every time the flow of the game nears their seats and then proceed to phone friends and family to ask them "Did you see me on the TeeVee??", thereby ignoring the actual game itself, shall henceforth be protected, if not from their own inner dork, then from the unfortunate souls forced to sit around them.

4) Anyone wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs Replica Doug Gilmour Jersey will be summarily shot. C'mon people, it's been fifteen years!

5) "Gotta beat the traffic!" will no longer be an acceptable excuse for departure. Any fan leaving the arena with more than five minutes left in any game where the goal differential is less than three, shall be stopped at the exits and assessed a "Heinous Poseur", or "Jackass" fine, equivalent to the face value of their ticket, which will then be used to purchase tickets to subsequent games for REAL fans who could not otherwise afford to attend.

6) Anyone seen sporting anything anywhere on their persons with the words "What Would Gary Roberts Do?" will be summarily shot. Just on general principle.

7) The scoreboard will no longer be treated as your Omnipotent Overlord. As a reminder to those in attendance from those watching at home, it is possible to make noise, chant, scream or otherwise attempt to disrupt our opponent's play even at times when there aren't pretty flashing signs ordering you to do so.

So there you have it. On behalf of the Ottawa Senators, Five For Smiting thanks you for your adherence to this new Code, and would encourage anyone with other suggestions to leave them in the comments.

That said, should you feel that the implementation of this Code will in anyway infringe upon your enjoyment of live Senators games...see Rule #1. Jerk.

Battle of the Blogosphere Campaign Launch: A Second Line Scorer In Every Pot!

As a rule, I generally avoid fan forums (fora?) and message boards in my interweb travels. The Luddite naif in me finds their limitless discussions, odd language ("OMG yoU gyz RoK! Lefs SUX !!111!!") and multiple threads strange and frightening. Invariably, I end up clicking around a site, trying desperately to keep up with what's going on until, in my confusion, I end up inadvertently propositioning on octogenarian peasant in Kuala Lampur. Then things get weird.

So when, during one of my wistful forays into my site stats (why yes, I am possessed of juvenile cravings for attention and reinforcement, why do you ask?) I noticed a couple of hits from something called The NHL Arena, my first thought was Oh dear God, they have found me and will now come, with their unholy grammar and terrifying sentence structure to devour my soul! Then recalling I had already sold my soul for a six pack of Blue and the '07 Eastern Conference Championship, I calmed down, and checked it out.

After being pleasantly shocked by the utter and wholly unexpected lack of venomous illiterates, imagine my surprise to discover I was at war.

Okay, before I get called out by another anonymous commenter for outrageous hyperbole, I'll admit "war" may be a strong word. What I did find was something called "Battle of The Blogosphere", a series of opinion polls pitting hockey blogs against each other and where you, gentle reader, get to choose your favourite.

And I'm getting creamed.

My round one opponent (were there seedings for this?) is none other than the venerable New Jersey Devils blog (and fellow NY Times Slapshot contributor/unpaid intern/indentured serf) In Lou We Trust. Sure, they post more often, with more intelligence, grace and solid hockey analysis than I do. I also imagine they're better looking too. But only I can bring you the irrational anger borne of frustrated ambition and lost glory!

And so I ask both of you, loyal readers (Hi Mom!), which would you rather have? Information? Discussion? Actual knowledge? I submit to you, that way lies madness! Vote for me! Vote for me, and show them that snark, silliness and vituperative rage have a place on these here internets! Show them that "better" is not always...er...better! Show them that the terrorists WILL NOT WIN!

Besides, we still have six weeks until camp opens. What the hell else do we have to do?

My name is Senators Lost Cojones, and I approved this message.