Sunday, August 10, 2008

Sunday Soapbox: A Sens Fan Code Of Conduct -- Don't Say I Didn't Warn You

Having abandoned all hope of ever seeing socially responsible behaviour from its players, the 800lb gorilla of sport leagues, that bastion of joie-de-vivre, the NFL has turned its attention to its more, shall we by instituting a "Fan's Code Of Conduct" which will be policed and enforced by the individual teams.

Having been to a few Buffalo Bills games, where the New York State Troopers will happily assist you in carrying your two-four (sorry..."flat") of Old Milwaukee from the 7-Eleven across the road to the stadium parking lots three hours before kick-off, I can only Good luck with that. Trust me, "intoxication or other signs of alcohol impairment that results in irresponsible behavior" is the only way to gird yourself against the horrors that are the Ralph Wilson Stadium bathrooms (you cannot call yourself a man until you've spent a halftime trying to pee in a trough with 974 of your closest, newest friends yelling at you to HURRY DA FUCK UP!! DEY'S CLOSIN' DA BEER STANDS!!!).

But it did get me thinking (in and of itself a minor miracle during the dog-days off the off-season). This is precisely the kind of thing that needs to be instituted at SBP. So, showing the prescient community activism for which I've become known, I give you "Because This Shit Really Pisses Me Off: A Senators Fan Code Of Conduct For Attendance At All And Future Games At ScotiaBank Place". You'll thank me for this later.

1) Whiny self-righteousness will no longer be tolerated! Any person in attendance, having spent the entire game silently sitting on his or her hands but who then feels the urge to castigate, in a loud, sarcastic voice, those sitting in the two rows immediately in front of him or her for standing, swearing at a bad call, dancing, holding up witty home made banners or otherwise showing any sign that they are actually having a good time, shall be escorted to centre ice by security staff whence, between periods, he or she will be tarred, feathered and mercilessly mocked over the Public Address System as a self-absorbed tight ass who thinks the world should revolve around them.

2) Anyone caught trying to start "The Wave" will be summarily shot. Self explanatory.

3) All cell phones in the Lower Bowl will be confiscated and returned to their owners at the end of the game. Those who feel the need to incessantly rise and wave at the camera each and every time the flow of the game nears their seats and then proceed to phone friends and family to ask them "Did you see me on the TeeVee??", thereby ignoring the actual game itself, shall henceforth be protected, if not from their own inner dork, then from the unfortunate souls forced to sit around them.

4) Anyone wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs Replica Doug Gilmour Jersey will be summarily shot. C'mon people, it's been fifteen years!

5) "Gotta beat the traffic!" will no longer be an acceptable excuse for departure. Any fan leaving the arena with more than five minutes left in any game where the goal differential is less than three, shall be stopped at the exits and assessed a "Heinous Poseur", or "Jackass" fine, equivalent to the face value of their ticket, which will then be used to purchase tickets to subsequent games for REAL fans who could not otherwise afford to attend.

6) Anyone seen sporting anything anywhere on their persons with the words "What Would Gary Roberts Do?" will be summarily shot. Just on general principle.

7) The scoreboard will no longer be treated as your Omnipotent Overlord. As a reminder to those in attendance from those watching at home, it is possible to make noise, chant, scream or otherwise attempt to disrupt our opponent's play even at times when there aren't pretty flashing signs ordering you to do so.

So there you have it. On behalf of the Ottawa Senators, Five For Smiting thanks you for your adherence to this new Code, and would encourage anyone with other suggestions to leave them in the comments.

That said, should you feel that the implementation of this Code will in anyway infringe upon your enjoyment of live Senators games...see Rule #1. Jerk.


wrap around curl said...

The Wave is the worst thing ever. Of all time. And I think people should be roped into sections so they can't leave before the end of the game.

Ness said...

what about the "don't get rediculously drunk with your hoser buddies and punch some buffalo fan chick in the face making the rest of us look like real jackasses/leafs fans" rule? i think that one ought to be implemented as well.

just a thought.

Jaredoflondon said...

I am so wearing my Dougie jersey if I ever meet you.

And a bullet proof vest.

Meaghan said...

Hear hear to #5! People who leave early are the lowest form of life on Earth! Why is Ottawa called the town fun forgot? Because of those people! They give us all a bad name, and they really annoy those of us who live far away and never get to go to Sens games at all.

Ben said...

Rule #2 seems to conflict with rule #1. I must say this set of rules would never pass Provincial Court scrutiny, and thus never be enacted.

Good ideas, but I have to say that no rules are good rules.

Anshu said...

I learned the difference a crowd can make by attending Saskatchewan Roughrider games at Taylor Field in Saskatchewan.

Knowledge of the game, unwavering support for the home team regardless of the score, and the desire to have a lot of fun are all key parts of being a good fan, I think.

The energy in the stadium from the fans can be an incredible, powerful thing. I've never felt the same in Ottawa for Sens games, even during the playoffs, and that really bothers me. Half the time I'm thinking "come on, get off your butt and cheer!", but sadly it rarely happens.

Oh, and I like the wave.

Senators Lost Cojones said...

Ness: Good point, and well said. Unfortunately, the chances that those idiots would actually be able to read it if I put it in are about 1000-to-1, against.

Ben: You're probably right, but I detest the wave with the searing heat of a billion suns, so I'm reserving the right to blatant hypocrisy whilst playing in my own sandbox.

Anshu: The one and only time I've felt crazy-stupid passion from SBP was our first ever playoff game against Buffalo in '97. I spent three hours screaming myself hoarse .

WAC and Meaghan: Agreed on all counts. And I like WAC's idea of roping them into the sections. Supplemented with the liberal use of cattle prods.

Jared: Oh, you won't have to worry about me shooting you. My evil monkey butler minions on the other hand...

Gabriel P. said...

#3 should be the 1/2 of the Golden Rule.

The other half of course being "Anyone who beats on the glass like a nearsighted monkey attacking its own reflection every time a player skates in front of them will be drawn and quartered by zambonis at center ice during the next intermission.

Free Willig said...

Say 'hello' to Evil Monkey Butler Minion #1. (that's me)

Jaredoflondon said...

good thing I am trained in monkey kung fu.

Loser Domi said...

jared, you may want to also wear a helmet

Wilson said...

Your "no yelling at those standing" rule concerns me. I am all for cheering on the team and generally going crazy, but I am pretty short and if people stand throughout the entire game in front of me, I am not seeing anything. I don't mind standing up when a goal is scoring or during breaks to wave your flag and/or posters, but constant standing makes me miss the game and that's just not good, ya know, for me.

Senators Lost Cojones said...

@Wilson: But that's different from what I was trying to get at. If I'm standing in front of you, and a legitimate physical issue prevents you from enjoying the game, by all means, point it out to me and I'll be happy to oblige.

My ire was aimed primarily at those kind souls (I'm sure you've met a few) who just sit on their hands, scowling for no reason and then being a self-righteous dickwad about it because "I paid for this goddamn ticket!!"? Sorry. Here's a newsflash to all aforementioned jerks. So did I, asshat! Tar and feathers for all!