Friday, August 29, 2008

Caveat Emptor! Or How Barry Melrose Spent His Summer Vacation

Photo: Rick Stewart/Getty Images

Because we're all about the love here at Five For Smiting, I thought I'd offer a our newest victims patsies friends in the great city of Tampa a quick primer on what they can expect from their latest four-million dollar acquisition, Andrej "Sta-Puft" Meszaros.

The first thing you need to do, now that Mesz will be your highest paid D-man and the presumptive anchor on your blue line is...get a better goalie. I know, I know. "But we have Kolzig! Ollie THE Goalie! Waddya mean, get a "better" goalie!" Sorry folks. That ain't going to be enough. Now that you've entrusted #14 with protecting your own end, you'd better try to talk Patrick Roy out of retirement. Or Vladislav Tretiak (after all, he and Ollie are about the same age). Or maybe dig up the rotting corpse of Georges Vezina. Anything.

Second, buy a thesaurus. You'll want to have at the ready as many synonyms for the word "soft" as possible, if only to come up with witty alternatives to the standard "BOOOO!". And if, while watching your home town heroes, you lose sight of the boy, don't bother looking in the corners because he won't be there. Your best bet is to watch for the first guy heading to the bench.

Now, don't get me wrong, Tampa. We kinda liked the kid before he went all "Yashin" on us. And I'm totally convinced he absolutely will not pull the "I'm under paid!" card two years from now and hold out on his existing contract. Totally! Don't even worry about it!

Really, you should be overjoyed. You've managed to land a 22 year old first round pick who had a rookie season good enough to be considered for the Calder. Of course he spent that year playing next to Zdeno Chara...and his two years playing with Wade Redden (whom, you may have noticed, we also let walk) could best be described as a disappointment, if by "disappointment" you mean "so infuriating it made Sens fans want to jam sporks through their eyeballs to lessen the pain".

But still! $24,000,000.00!! What a steal! And what did you have to give up, really? Filip Kuba? The only defenceman wearing the big bolt other coaches actually worried about? Bah! Alexandre Picard? A 23 year-old stud, drafted 8th overall who, in the words of Tampa fans in the know, will "hit anything that moves"? Piffle! A first round pick?? 'Tis but a trifle! After all, San Jose won't suck that much...will they?

On the flip side, watching all of those opposing forwards dance and skip through, around and over Andrej's flailing stick should make for some exciting times down at the 'ole Times-Forum. Have fun with that.

Update: Did you know that there are two "Alexandre Picard"s playing in the NHL? I didn't. And neither, apparently does TSN. Their original story on the trade linked to this guy, first round pick (8th over all) of the Blue Jackets. Our Alexandre Picard is this guy, who went 3rd round, 85th overall. I probably should have noticed the linked bio was from the wrong team...but I'm still pummeling the first TSN I/T monkey I find about the head and neck. Just on general principle.


Meaghan said...

I endorse this post. And I have this feeling San Jose is gonna fall apart this year. If they do, it'll be doubly entertaining for us to watch it happen now!

Anonymous said...

Picard wasnt drafted 85th overall in the 3rd round, not 8th overall.

Senators Lost Cojones said...

Anon: Whoops! You are correct. That's the last time I trust to link to the right player bio.

Loser Domi said...

beautiful. Just nice. I especially love the "get a thesaurus" line

PPP said...

I wouldn't be too pleased with what the sens got in this trade though ;)

Of course he spent that year playing next to Zdeno Chara...and his two years playing with Wade Redden (whom, you may have noticed, we also let walk) could best be described as a disappointment

I wonder if there is anyone in senator land still trying to argue that letting Chara go was a smart move. I feel like The Lisp will be done after this season.

p.s. not enough rage.

Michael said...

It was Muckler who let Chara go.

Senators Lost Cojones said...

p.s. not enough rage

Sorry PPP, but I'm still a couple of weeks away from training camp. A few two-a-days spent beating the bejesus out the crash test dummy in my garage with a tire iron should get me into mid-season form in no time. I've named him "Darcy".

Carl Incognito said...

Letting Chara go was not in and of itself a good move, but if it came down to signing 2005-06 Chara or 2005-06 Redden (still not sure that was necessary), I'd pick 05-06Redden every time... fact of the matter is Redden since that contract has not been that player, and given the choice between 05-06 Chara and 06-07 or 07-08 Redden, I`d choose 05-06 Chara everytime