Battle of the Blogosphere Campaign Launch: A Second Line Scorer In Every Pot!

As a rule, I generally avoid fan forums (fora?) and message boards in my interweb travels. The Luddite naif in me finds their limitless discussions, odd language ("OMG yoU gyz RoK! Lefs SUX !!111!!") and multiple threads strange and frightening. Invariably, I end up clicking around a site, trying desperately to keep up with what's going on until, in my confusion, I end up inadvertently propositioning on octogenarian peasant in Kuala Lampur. Then things get weird.

So when, during one of my wistful forays into my site stats (why yes, I am possessed of juvenile cravings for attention and reinforcement, why do you ask?) I noticed a couple of hits from something called The NHL Arena, my first thought was Oh dear God, they have found me and will now come, with their unholy grammar and terrifying sentence structure to devour my soul! Then recalling I had already sold my soul for a six pack of Blue and the '07 Eastern Conference Championship, I calmed down, and checked it out.

After being pleasantly shocked by the utter and wholly unexpected lack of venomous illiterates, imagine my surprise to discover I was at war.

Okay, before I get called out by another anonymous commenter for outrageous hyperbole, I'll admit "war" may be a strong word. What I did find was something called "Battle of The Blogosphere", a series of opinion polls pitting hockey blogs against each other and where you, gentle reader, get to choose your favourite.

And I'm getting creamed.

My round one opponent (were there seedings for this?) is none other than the venerable New Jersey Devils blog (and fellow NY Times Slapshot contributor/unpaid intern/indentured serf) In Lou We Trust. Sure, they post more often, with more intelligence, grace and solid hockey analysis than I do. I also imagine they're better looking too. But only I can bring you the irrational anger borne of frustrated ambition and lost glory!

And so I ask both of you, loyal readers (Hi Mom!), which would you rather have? Information? Discussion? Actual knowledge? I submit to you, that way lies madness! Vote for me! Vote for me, and show them that snark, silliness and vituperative rage have a place on these here internets! Show them that "better" is not always...er...better! Show them that the terrorists WILL NOT WIN!

Besides, we still have six weeks until camp opens. What the hell else do we have to do?

My name is Senators Lost Cojones, and I approved this message.

Oh, Bloody Hell

It never fails. Whenever I've wanted to take a little break...take a breather...rest my weary bones as it were, Ray Emery goes and says something stupid to drag my once infuriated but now merely exasperated ass back to the keyboard.

Not content to let his season's body of work speak for him from under the wreckage of a destroyed dressing room, our Ray-Ray decided that he would avail himself of the media presence during Packing Day in order to ensure we fully understand why we think he's a petulant, self-absorbed man-child who should never, under any circumstances, be entrusted with so much as a lemonade stand, let alone the Title hopes of an expectant populace.

If goaltender Ray Emery has indeed played his last game with the Ottawa Senators, he's not leaving quietly...Queried on whether he was unfairly held responsible for the Senators' late-season slide and became a distraction because of his mediocre play and lax practice habits, he responded: "Well, I don't take responsibility for the team losing in the playoffs, I'll tell you that much."

Of course, technically speaking, he didn't. After all, he hasn't played a game since Teflon was canned.

But here's the thing Ray. Any Sens fan who has been paying even the slightest attention (and I count myself as one of them) knew our Championship season actually ended three months ago, the humiliation-by-sweep being merely the logical conclusion. And that's all on you, fuckstick. We know it, The Bryan knows it, and I have a feeling that someday in the not so distant future when you're sitting around sharing pints and dodging pool cues with your new ECHL buddies in some Biloxi biker bar, you'll figure it out too.

Other gems in today's Ray-Ray hit parade:

"I showed up late for practice twice this year and had an opportunity to come on the ice. I was just late coming to the rink and they told me to go home ...When some other guys are late coming to the rink, they're just fine or whatever happens."

That's probably because they didn't subsequently mail it in during that same practice.

"I think it's media coverage that, you know, there's not really a whole lot in Ottawa going on other than this hockey team."

Yep, nothing says "I absolutely see the error of my ways and would love the opportunity to come back and work harder than I ever have in my life so that I may redeem myself in the eyes of the organization and its fans" like calling the fan base a bunch of cud chewing hicks easily swayed by an obviously biased media.

It will cost the Sens roughly $1.7 million against the cap, spread over the next two years, to buy out this jackass's contract. Money well spent, I'd say.

I'll give The Bryan the sweet, sweet last words on this sad sack affair (as spoken at this afternoon's presser): "My plan is not to have him back."

Now go away asshole, and give me my break back.

Emery Lets Loose [Ottawa Citizen]
Murray Says Emery To Go; Spezza And Heatley To Stay [TSN.ca]

L’Affaire Roy -- To All Tender Hearted Media and Parasitic Politicians: Just Shut The Hell Up!

I wasn’t initially planning to write about Jonathan Roy losing his freaking mind, or his father’s complicity in it. After all, I like to keep things light around these here parts, and it’s not like there’s been a shortage of coverage, comment, or opinion. Plus, there were actual, you know, hockey games going on. But now, there’s something happening that is forcing me to either vent about it, or explode in a misdirected rage, thus endangering my well being, not to mention any number of innocent passers by.

But let me get this out of the way first. What Roy the Younger did by skating the length of the ice to wail on an opposing goalie who a) didn’t know what was coming and b) clearly wanted no part of it, was a disgusting act of cowardice, worthy of a criminal assault charge and he should be run out of any hockey league on the planet on a rope. While you could argue that the linesman who literally tackled an unidentified Chicoutimi player who was attempting to come to the rescue of his goalie only made things worse (watch the tape and count the number of punches landed after the player and official go shooting through the frame) Jonathan’s actions are inexcusable and he has rightly been branded a thug and an asshole.

As for Dear Old Dad, I’ll let Four Habs Fans speak to that in a far better way than I ever could. No, really…go read it. Like right now. It’s that good. It’s okay, I’ll wait…

Welcome back! So what was it that finally made me take up my keyboard? Why, it’s the same thing that usually gets my blood boiling, namely, the barking seals that make up the MSM and those grandstanding, two-legged cockroaches who deign to call themselves “Honourable Members” of one legislative body or another who will react with the usual well calculated faux outrage at whatever those barking seals tell them is “important”.

If it’s not Lloyd Robertson thundering in ominous tones from the pulpit of his anchor desk about how “violence in hockey” is contributing to the downfall of Western Civilization as we know it, it’s Quebec Premier Jean Charest popping off in a media scrum, opining that the QMJHL must immediately move to ban fighting in order to protect the frail sensibilities of the general public. Had his knee jerked any more suddenly, he would have kicked himself in the mouth. This of course, has set off the usual perfectly circular storm whereby other media outlets and other politicos feed off each other in an increasingly shrill competition to claim the highest moral ground (I can’t wait to watch The Sports Reporters tomorrow morning. Damian Cox may actually stroke out right there on the set).

So to all of you self-serving hypocrites decrying the (entirely fabricated) fact that hockey is once again mired in a dark age of thuggery, I say, with all sincerity, just shut the fuck up. Zip it.

Ask yourselves, if this hadn’t involved the son of a hockey superstar, a superstar known for his arrogance and temper, AND the fact that this particular superstar was also the son’s head coach, would this have engendered any more than a roll of the eyes and a tsk-tsk from any of you? Now, before you answer that, I’d like to point out that there was another brawl that same night, involving the Gatineau Olympiques and Shawinigan that was sparked by a vicious hit from behind on the ‘Piques goalie and involved far bloodier combat. And yet, somehow, this failed to find its way into your collective reptilian consciousness. If anything, I would have thought that you all would have seized on this to bolster your “case”, in the same way a Chihuahua attack on a child generates a month’s worth of similar stories which finally culminates in a five part series about how we’re all in danger from “an epidemic of rabid Pitbulls!” But hark! We hear nary a peep. No eleven o’clock news, no long diatribes in the papers, no…nothing.

So back to my original question: Would it have been reported the same way in not for Mssrs. Roy? Yeah, didn’t think so. Now that you’ve exposed yourselves as the sensationalizing whores you are, just shut up and let the rules as they are already in place work the way they’re supposed to.

To the MSM, how about you go back to telling the story, instead of trying so damn hard to be the story. As for the politicians, how about you…well…just go. Crawl back under your tax payer subsidized rocks, there to wait until the next whiff of opinion polls triggers your highly evolved love of the cameras.

There are enough of us who love, and more importantly, know this game to make sure this kind of self-serving crap doesn’t affect the way the game is played. At least I hope there are. But if I can add here to the increasing chorus of those who won’t be led by the nose like so many sheep, to those who are saying, and have been for a long, long time, that the Emperor has no clothes, I will feel as if I’ve done the right thing. Which is more than any politician can say.

Ottawa Senators. Cancer Free Since--What? WHO? Aw Son Of A...

Fuck you Ray Emery. You made me break a promise. You made me break a promise and that pisses me off. Mind you, it doesn't piss me off as much as a primping primadonna whose inflated ego and delusions of grandeur threatens to derail an entire city's most fervent dream pisses me off, but close. You see, the promise I made, both to myself and Beloved was that, during this most peaceful and festive season of Christmas, I would put down my keyboard, climb down from my soapbox and leave all things Senators to sort themselves out without me. All I wanted was two weeks to just watch the games (or not), take in some WJHC goodness (or not), sleep too much, eat too much, drink too much and exchange awkward man hugs with long lost cousins. Two weeks. That's all I wanted. But no. You had to go and fuck it up for me. Well fine. If that's the way you want it, then listen up fuckstick.

We'll put aside the tattoos, the cockroach and the Tyson mask. We'll even put aside your inability to drive like an actual human being. Those were just circus side shows for the press to write about on off days. Those things had absolutely no bearing, and no effect on what went on between the boards. You played well, at times spectacularly, and we went to the Final. Everybody loved you. We even overlooked the fact that, in those five games against the Ducks, you very much choked like an asthmatic Greg Norman, but then, so did the rest of the team and all was forgiven. But not now, and not anymore. Because what you're doing now is affecting what goes on between the boards, and in the dressing room. Most important of all, you're screwing with our title shot Ray, and that cannot be tolerated.

So let me lay it out for you. You don't like being the backup? Fine. How about you don't suck? How about not giving up 10 goals on 80 shots in your last three full games? How about not pulling yourself out of game five minutes in because you suddenly felt a "twinge" in an old injury you swore up and down to your coach not seven days before was fully healed? And while we're on the subject, how about not scheduling off season surgery so late in the summer that you miss most of training camp? Oh that's right, I forgot. Superheroes such as yourself don't need training camp.

Nor do they need practice, right Ray? You throw a hissy fit yesterday after finding out you weren't the starter against the Islanders, and then today, you show up five minutes before practice is supposed to start, leaving Coach P no choice but to throw your ass off the ice as an example to everybody that no one is bigger than the team. And rightly so. If Heater had been the one to pull that bullshit, I hope he'd have been sent home too.

But, see, here's where it gets especially infuriating. Now the entire organization has to cover your ass. Instead of thinking about Ovechkin and the Caps tomorrow night, the Head Office has to put out lame excuses for you, how you're "sick" and "not feeling well enough to practice". The rest of the team is left to answer the same question from the press about "What's wrong with Ray?" and tell everyone with a microphone and a note pad, over and over again, how this is in no way a distraction.

Well, guess what Ray...you ARE a distraction. But what you may not realize is this: you are very much an expendable distraction. Consider, you're being paid $3 million a year to be a backup. Darth Gerber has been (and may God forgive me for saying this) as solid as they come this season. Jeff Glass and his 2.36GAA and 92.5 save percentage is waiting in Bingo. And finally, there are quite a few teams a hell of a lot further away from a Cup than you are right now, crying for goaltender. Do the math Ray. Do the math, and shut the fuck up. Or in the words of The Captain:

“To get considered for a start, (the coaching staff) is looking for him to show that he wants to be in there,” said Alfredsson, who said he had not seen Thursday's incident. “You have to work hard in practice to show that you want to play. That’s what most players do when they’re not playing and the goalies are no different.”

Now, I can't imagine how angry Alfie has to be to call out a teammate in public, mostly because he has never had to do it before, but I'm fairly certain that's Swedish for "the Emperor has no clothes". And remember Ray, we ran one asshole who thought he was bigger than the team out of town on a rail, so don't think we won't do the same to you.

Alexei Yashin Will Take His Ball And Go Home [Five For Smiting]