L’Affaire Roy -- To All Tender Hearted Media and Parasitic Politicians: Just Shut The Hell Up!

I wasn’t initially planning to write about Jonathan Roy losing his freaking mind, or his father’s complicity in it. After all, I like to keep things light around these here parts, and it’s not like there’s been a shortage of coverage, comment, or opinion. Plus, there were actual, you know, hockey games going on. But now, there’s something happening that is forcing me to either vent about it, or explode in a misdirected rage, thus endangering my well being, not to mention any number of innocent passers by.

But let me get this out of the way first. What Roy the Younger did by skating the length of the ice to wail on an opposing goalie who a) didn’t know what was coming and b) clearly wanted no part of it, was a disgusting act of cowardice, worthy of a criminal assault charge and he should be run out of any hockey league on the planet on a rope. While you could argue that the linesman who literally tackled an unidentified Chicoutimi player who was attempting to come to the rescue of his goalie only made things worse (watch the tape and count the number of punches landed after the player and official go shooting through the frame) Jonathan’s actions are inexcusable and he has rightly been branded a thug and an asshole.

As for Dear Old Dad, I’ll let Four Habs Fans speak to that in a far better way than I ever could. No, really…go read it. Like right now. It’s that good. It’s okay, I’ll wait…

Welcome back! So what was it that finally made me take up my keyboard? Why, it’s the same thing that usually gets my blood boiling, namely, the barking seals that make up the MSM and those grandstanding, two-legged cockroaches who deign to call themselves “Honourable Members” of one legislative body or another who will react with the usual well calculated faux outrage at whatever those barking seals tell them is “important”.

If it’s not Lloyd Robertson thundering in ominous tones from the pulpit of his anchor desk about how “violence in hockey” is contributing to the downfall of Western Civilization as we know it, it’s Quebec Premier Jean Charest popping off in a media scrum, opining that the QMJHL must immediately move to ban fighting in order to protect the frail sensibilities of the general public. Had his knee jerked any more suddenly, he would have kicked himself in the mouth. This of course, has set off the usual perfectly circular storm whereby other media outlets and other politicos feed off each other in an increasingly shrill competition to claim the highest moral ground (I can’t wait to watch The Sports Reporters tomorrow morning. Damian Cox may actually stroke out right there on the set).

So to all of you self-serving hypocrites decrying the (entirely fabricated) fact that hockey is once again mired in a dark age of thuggery, I say, with all sincerity, just shut the fuck up. Zip it.

Ask yourselves, if this hadn’t involved the son of a hockey superstar, a superstar known for his arrogance and temper, AND the fact that this particular superstar was also the son’s head coach, would this have engendered any more than a roll of the eyes and a tsk-tsk from any of you? Now, before you answer that, I’d like to point out that there was another brawl that same night, involving the Gatineau Olympiques and Shawinigan that was sparked by a vicious hit from behind on the ‘Piques goalie and involved far bloodier combat. And yet, somehow, this failed to find its way into your collective reptilian consciousness. If anything, I would have thought that you all would have seized on this to bolster your “case”, in the same way a Chihuahua attack on a child generates a month’s worth of similar stories which finally culminates in a five part series about how we’re all in danger from “an epidemic of rabid Pitbulls!” But hark! We hear nary a peep. No eleven o’clock news, no long diatribes in the papers, no…nothing.

So back to my original question: Would it have been reported the same way in not for Mssrs. Roy? Yeah, didn’t think so. Now that you’ve exposed yourselves as the sensationalizing whores you are, just shut up and let the rules as they are already in place work the way they’re supposed to.

To the MSM, how about you go back to telling the story, instead of trying so damn hard to be the story. As for the politicians, how about you…well…just go. Crawl back under your tax payer subsidized rocks, there to wait until the next whiff of opinion polls triggers your highly evolved love of the cameras.

There are enough of us who love, and more importantly, know this game to make sure this kind of self-serving crap doesn’t affect the way the game is played. At least I hope there are. But if I can add here to the increasing chorus of those who won’t be led by the nose like so many sheep, to those who are saying, and have been for a long, long time, that the Emperor has no clothes, I will feel as if I’ve done the right thing. Which is more than any politician can say.

If Left Unchecked, They May Start Running With Scissors!

You are the publisher of the biggest, baddest sports mag on the North American block, if not the planet. The last seven days has been Christmas in July. You have the feeling that the Tour de Farce crown will be given to the only clean cyclist in France: a 12 year old baguette delivery boy from Cannes. The NBA is wracked by a gambling scandal that makes Rick Tocchet look like your Auntie Gertrude at Saturday night bingo. MLB has Barry Bonds, and his totally illegitimate claim to the game's most hallowed record. And Michael Vick is...well, Michael Vick is just sub-human and his name should forever be stricken from the record of civilized society.

The news keeps breaking, so good, so damn juicy, that you set up a special section on your website. You call it "How They Cheat" and dispatch your finest writers to dig up as much dirt as they can on each of the major leagues. Content, after all, is king.

You turn to Alan Muir, one of your top hockey guys, and say "Go get the NHL. With all of the others imploding, there has to be something we can dig up on hockey! Go get it!" And after an exhaustive investigation leaving no stone unturned, no seemy underbelly unscratched, he comes back to you, not with tales of gambling, cheating spouses, domestic violence or the once widespread abuse of a certain flu remedy. The name Bertuzzi never even comes up. No, your intrepid investigative reporter comes back to you with...sticks. Illegal sticks.

How prevalent is this offense? Go down the list of the league's top snipers and many of them -- including Ilya Kovalchuk, Jaromir Jagr and Teemu Selanne -- were nabbed last season with an illegal curve. Ask around and the belief is that as many as one-in-five players regularly break the rule, secure in the knowledge that they're unlikely to be caught.

As nefarious as these allegations are, or as risky giving Brett Hull an open microphone can be, this opens a huge door for the NHL but it won't stay open for long.

So get on it Gary! Put down the marguarita! Get your marketing monkeys going! An opportunity like this only comes around once in a lifetime! Here's your chance to fulfill your wet dream, vault over the Big Three and put the NHL back on the U.S. map! "Hockey! Dodging Major Scandals Since 1917!" Just make sure you lock Marty McSorley in a closet first.

Breaking the rules: NHL [SI.com]