Sunday, January 11, 2009

A Shot Across The Bandwagon's Bow

I haven't posted anything about the last two games for a very good reason. Frankly, I am running out of ways to say "We suck!". My ability to find new and funny words to describe the same mistakes or express my utter frustration over how a team as talented as this one (on paper) can fail to even show up game after game after game, has been completely exhausted. So I won't.

Let us instead, gentle reader, ponder the phenomenon of the "Bandwagon" and how the legroom on our particular conveyance has improved markedly of late as the fairest of fairweathers suddenly discover that there will be no playoffs this year and scramble off in search of something new and shiny.

To those poor, lost souls, I would offer this: Get fucked right in the ass by a herd of rabid wildebeests you infuriating bag of dicks. It is my most fervent wish to see all of you tied to a pole in a public square and skullfucked with a forklift. You drive me batshit insane. You fucking posers.

I'm not talking about the mouth breathing troglodytes who clog the call-in shows or message boards demanding Emperor Eugene fire the GM/coach/training staff/mascot after yet another loss. You can fault them for many things (grammar and proper sentence structure chief among them) but you can't dismiss their passion for the team. And I'm not talking about those who, out of well meaning if misplaced ignorance, continue to insist that trading Giggles will cure all of our ills. Sure, they don't know what they're talking about, but at least they're sincere.

You know who I'm talking about. You know who they are. You might even work with a few.

They're the guy who sits next to you at SBP; the guy who's only too happy to tell you how he got the tickets for free because his boss couldn't come, and then spends the entire game bitching about the drive into the rink, the parking rates, the line up at the concession and the price of beer before taking off ten minutes into the third period of a one goal game "to beat the traffic".

They're the guy who finds you in the bathroom as you're trying to take a quiet dump and shouts "Hey! How about that game last night, eh? That Mike Fisher looked really good!" over the stall door while you sit there gritting your teeth, pants around your ankles, knowing full well that this obnoxious sac of pus wouldn't be able to pick Mike Fisher out of line up.

They're the woman who festoons her cubicle with Sens flags and posters and coffee mugs and hair scrunchies and a 2007 Eastern Conference Champion commemorative mouse pad but ask her about anyone who played on the team prior to the Final and you're met with a blank look.

They're the guy who exchanges hugs and high fives after every goal with everybody in a bar packed to the rafters for Game 5 of the 2007 Eastern Final and then bumps into me you in overtime and asks "So putting the puck in good?" causing me you to miss Alfie's winner as I you stare in disbelief into the depths of a dilettante's ignorance. To this day, I you still want to cave that goat fucker's face in with a Zamboni.

But now, with our season in the crapper and the playoffs out of reach, look how they flee. The free tickets go unused, the bathroom is mercifully quiet and the mouse pad and hair scrunchies have been packed away. So to those snapping their ankles jumping off the bandwagon during the first tough season in over ten years, I say once more: good fucking riddance, asshats.

But before we let you go, know this: All sports are cyclical. Any true fan of any game understands that. The longer our team spends on top, the more brutal will be the inevitable fall. But as true fans, we also know that, barring something aberrant like an ownership more concerned with profit than winning or a 40 year stretch of organizational incompetence, our team will eventually rise again. And when it does, we will be able to stand tall with all of those who've stuck it out, whose passions have never wavered no matter how maddening things may get, and proclaim "This is MY team!"

What are you going to say then?

Code Red [Ottawa Citizen]


SoCalSensFan said...

Ha! Come out here and I'll show you the true meaning of "fair weather fan" :)

But I feel you though; it must be doubly irritating to be a true Sens fan in Ottawa atm.

Michael said...

Hell, I used to be a Jets fan. I know how to suffer.

Dany Heatley Speedwagon said...

I'm a 49ers fan too... this is nothing.

Fairweather Sens Fan said...

I think i'm going to a Canucks fan now. Go Sundin!

Habsfan10 said...

If any of these folks you mention dig a "Roy 33" Habs jersey out of their closet and try to climb on board, there will be blood. Just sayin.

Michael said...

If there is a season to tank, this is it. The deepest draft in years, the top six players are all outstanding future franchise players. If there is a dispersal draft caused by the contraction of Phoenix and other teams the cost of free agent talent will drop severely. Dispersal drafts tend to happen in the same order as the 18 year old draft, so there are potentially some cheap pickings to be had.

Michael said...

Imagine getting John Taveres and Shane Doan in the same off-season. One in the 18 draft and the other in the dispersal draft.

freewillig said...

I've been meaning to say this for some time now....NICE BOOTS!

Tom said...

I agree with everything you said except for one thing: "a team as talented as this one (on paper)"

Their top line is fine, but after that, the talent level really drops off. Foligno had only six goals last year, McAmmond had nine, Neil had six, Ruutu had six, Schubert had eight.

Donovan's best season since the lockout has been nine goals in a season (he had five last year). Fisher is streaky, and Vermette had a career year (most guys don't continue to have career years every year).

What talent are Sens fans looking at? Where were the goals supposed to come from? Bass? Zubov? The Sens are actually one of the least talented teams in the NHL.

freewillig said...

I think most evaluators of NHL talent projected Vermette to be a solid 2nd line player. He was 25 last season when he had his best year. Most players improve into their late 20s. Going into the season, it would also not be much of a stretch to think Foglino could get 15 this year and Fisher should get his 25, but is on pace for only 6.

Part of the problem is simply that they don't have defensemen to get these guys the puck in good position or help with bringing the puck up ice. The Sens just don't have the puck time. The talent up front is not different from the talent they had for the Cup run. It's all changed on the back end, however.

Oman said...

In their cup run they did have have much more skill in terms of puck moving D, but they also had secondary scoring from Comrie and I think Eves was better then than some of the Bingo boys they've brought in this year, maybe even with the concussion.

Though I too was in a bit of denial earlier in the season, I'm inclined to agree with Tom here. After the first three, there is just a slew of third and fourth liners, and no real secondary scoring.

Fisher is really a hard hitting, high energy, third line center that should average 20 goals per season and make about 3 million/year. Vermette is a good penalty killer, destined to be a "under achieving" second liner unless he finds the right chemistry or the right coach.

Anonymous said...

Go Sens Go
Go Jets Go
Go Sox Go
Go Sens Go

~the man from u.n.c.l.e.

Senators Lost Cojones said...

@HF10: You have my utmost support.

@Michael: Imagine getting John Taveres and Shane Doan in the same off-season. Oh my heavens, I do believe I am inappropriately aroused.

@Tom and Oman: I think you might be selling the kids a tad short. I've liked what I've seen from Nicky and Zubov and Lee shows spurts of promise between immature brain farts. And don't forget about Karlsson. Add our lottery pick and the first rounder from the Sharks and things look okay. We'll just have to grin and bear the growing pains as The Bryan tries desperately to rebuild the system Muckler raped and pillaged. And thanks for dropping by!

@FreeWillig: Glad you like them. I wore them just for you.