Saturday, January 3, 2009

Laffs 3, Sens 1: Our Long National Nightmare Continues


Hey, on the upside, we're that much closer to having to do this.

The High:
  • Futility has rarely looked so beautiful: Damn, Fish. You were everywhere. You were banging. You were shooting. You were hitting posts. When all those about you were losing their heads, you kept yours about you, said "Fuck that shit" and smeared somebody in blue. In other words you did everything humanly possible to win this game short of...um...scoring. Natch. I am really, really going to miss you Mike.
The Lows:
  • Dearest Alexandre, how do I loathe thee? Let us count the ways: Aside from the usual brainfarts, crap passes, weak ass stick checks and being caught hopelessly out of position... 1) Perhaps the best strategy for a 5-on-3 advantage is to NOT shoot the puck in such a way as to miss the net by twelve feet, banking it off the back boards at roughly Mach 4, thus causing it to careen wildly back into our own end, killing the powerplay. Just sayin'. 2) Hey, Alex...you may want to...um, look out for...Blake's coming...just keep an eye on...he's trying the wrap...WHERE THE HOLY SHITFUCK ARE YOU????
  • 1 billion Chinese, and the entire coaching staff, can't be wrong: Hey Schube, remember how you spent most of training camp and the first six weeks of the season pouting like a twelve year old girl because you wanted to play on the D instead of being a fourth line forward? Yeah, sure you do. So here's what you do. Watch this game tape, oh...a couple of dozen times. Pay particular attention to the third period, wherein the final two Leaf goals were a direct result of you shitting the bed. Issue apologies as necessary.
  • Can't anybody play this game?: Sticking with the general defensive theme, it is a rare thing indeed for three defencemen to record a -1 on the same goal. And yet, just when we Sens fans had thought we had seen everything that could possibly go disastrously, putridly wrong this season, we were treated to the sight of just that. Kuba coughs up the puck on the half boards (as is his wont), squirting it toward the Ottawa net at roughly three miles per hour as both Gator and A-Train flail helplessly. One Dominic Moore goal later, the trifecta is complete, the game is tied and I'm pining for Steve Duschesne and Karl Rachunek.
The Creamy Middle:

THIS FEATURE IS DISCONTINUED PENDING THE AUTHOR'S ABILITY TO FIND NEW WAYS TO APPLY COSMETICS TO PORCINE LIPS.

Pithy Observations of Questionable Importance:
  • Ron Jeremy remains unimpressed: It only makes sense that Ryan Hollweg would be sporting that ridiculous porn 'stache. He is, after all, best known for inarticulate grunting and slamming less than willing co-stars opponents from behind.
  • God, I'm such a hopeless sap: It started in Edmonton during their Cup run, and it was awesome. Hell, we even did it in the Finals. And it happened again tonight in Toronto (and Ottawa...SUCK IT RUSSKIES!!). No matter how hokey or how contrived it may be, hearing 20,000 hockey fans sing Oh Canada acapella chokes me up every freaking time. Even if it's Leaf fans doing the singing.
  • On the flip side of that...: You would be hard pressed to find anybody who supports our troops more than I do (it's why Her Majesty pays me, after all) but at the risk of being branded a pinko commie terrorist lover who eats kittens in his spare time, I have to ask. Am I the only one getting a little unnerved with Don Cherry trotting out our latest Afghan casualties for some special Coach's Corner love? Tonight's episode featured the usual guttural "I'm trying really hard not to cry" noises from His Grapeness, but with the added bonus of some wedding pictures featuring the unfortunate widow. Don, your "I don't usually do this" disclaimer aside, you're getting a little further away from "honour" and much closer to "schtick" than I'm comfortable with.
Up Next:

Our road trip from hell continues tomorrow night in the leafy, totally bucolic and absolutely crime free heart of Newark, New Jersey. At least Fish will have an excuse for wearing his Thug Toque to the rink. He's just trying to blend in with the locals. (5:00pm, TSN)

Behind Enemy Lines:

Say hello to Interchangeable Parts, knowledgeable to the extreme, a fantastic source of all things Devils AND stupidly entertaining. Hockey loving women who can write. Now that is several varieties of hot.

8 comments:

Baroque said...

Count me in the group of people who squirm when Cherry "salutes" the troops. I'm not military myself, but I'm the daughter of a veteran, and anytime a public figure or politician uses soldiers essentially as patriotic props makes me want to punch him in the face and tell him that if he's so GD supportive of the troops, then instead of using them as weepy plot devices for your stories, push for more funding for medical care for disabled veterans, or social programs to help them adjust after they get out (it's scary to see the numbers for suicides), or for research into traumatic brain injuries (increasingly common), or volunteer to help at a hospital or a homeless shelter or soup kitchen, as so many homeless are veterans.

But that takes more effort than showing a picture and choking up, I suppose.

(Sorry for the bitterness - that just pushes one of my buttons. People aren't props.)

Baroque said...

Not to say that Cherry doesn't support the troops financially, either - I have no idea.

But the publicity seems to cheapen the gravity of what they do by turning them into heroic cardboard cutouts instead of actual people.

Don't worry, I'll shut up now. :)

Senators Lost Cojones said...

Bravo Baroque! TESTIFY!!

Seriously though, that makes me rather nauseous too. Unfortunately, to state such a position risks the inevitable backlash from the usual flag draped jingos. Bring 'em on, I say! Want some of my kitten?

p.s.: Don't ever shut up. :)

Pension Plan Puppets said...

How do the kittens taste you pinko commie terrorist lover?

I agree with Baroque that supporting the troops should include more than just flashing a picture up and getting weepy. However, on a continent in which the only people being asked to make sacrifices beyond 'shopping' (fuck you Bush) are the soldiers and their families I think it's vitally important that people are reminded that someone somewhere is trying to make the world a better place.

Far more nauseating was seeing Bertuzzi lauded prior to that story as his life has been diametrically opposed to everything the military stands for.

Senators Lost Cojones said...

PPP: Excellent point. On both counts.

Baroque said...

Oh, no, I agree PPP. It's far too easy to forget that people are dying - and partially I blame that on media that talk about Angie and Brad and Britney instead of anything that is difficult to understand, expensive to cover, and depressing so it doesn't get good ratings - but too many people figure that "supporting the troops" consists of nothing but weeping at pictures and putting a ribbon magnet on their car - or gas-guzzling SUV, which makes me want to run them through a woodchipper.

It would help if someone said something about what people could actually do to help, because they want to, but they don't know what to say or what to do.

A couple months ago there was a story on NPR about a veteran, who had been discharged for disabling injuries, and he was struggling with depression and other issues as a result of trauma. He was seeing a therapist and it was helping him, but he couldn't drive there himself and relied on the treatment center picking him up in their van. They discontinued service to his county and told him that he would have to find another way to get his needed treatment. The radio station was FLOODED with calls from people offering help, and he was actually put in touch with a group of people who lived in the town who set up a rotation to get him to treatment, and also to take him on other errands when he needed to go.

People want to help, and it would be better if public figures said something about it - even a number to donate money to help them, as with advancing medical technology more soldiers are surviving and will need medical care for the rest of their lives - they deserve more than to struggle with how to find the money for their medical expenses, and society as a whole needs to realize how high the expenses are going to be and how important it is.

When my Dad got back from Vietnam, he was spat on in the airport. That was bad, but he was physically and emotionally intact and was able to get and hold a job and provide for his family. Not everyone managed to get back without major injuries, substance abuse, and the stigma attached (still) to PTSD.

Honoring people for their sacrifice is excellent, but they need to have medical care and job training and such taken care of so they can readjust to civilian life with as little stress as possible and manage to provide for their families.

(And DO NOT get me started on W and "going shopping." SHOPPING!!! I have too much to do at work to get dragged off to Guantanamo.) :)

And what is with the Bertuzzi thing? Is everyone in a time warp and thinks he's the player he was, what, five years ago? At some point everyone has to realize that he's just a slow-skating, stupid-penalty-taking thug, right?

Clenbuterol said...

I liked the words about Chinese.

Host PPH said...

It is quite impressive the Fish was the main character of the game. he did pretty good.