Sunday, September 2, 2007

Emperor Goodell Cares Not For Your Life Saving Drugs

WARNING: What follows is a non-hockey related post as we wait for something, anything worth mocking to emanate from Palladium Drive. If anyone objects to NFL football appearing on a site devoted to hockey, Five For Smiting would like to offer the following, with all due respect: Piss off. I like football and it's my blog. So there. Thank you, come again.

For obvious reasons, the NFL has arguably one of the toughest drug policies of all the major sports. While the NHL and MLB continue to whistle past the graveyard that is steroid abuse ("What about Barry? Oh, that's glandular."), the NFL was forced some years back to toughen its stance after All Pro D-Lineman Lyle Alzado caused them considerable inconvenience by having the temerity to die from the side effects of a career spent juicing. Fifteen years later, the league has let it be known that if you're caught, the wrathful vengeance of the Commissioner's office will be swift, and damn near biblical in its severity. What we may not have been aware of until now, is that this also applies to fat middle aged guys in golf shirts.
NEW YORK (AP) - Dallas quarterbacks coach Wade Wilson was suspended for five games by the NFL on Saturday for buying and using performance-enhancing substances.
Why, you may ask, does a man whose primary function is to carry a clipboard and scream at rookies for three hours every Sunday need a performance enhancing substance? For the most nefarious of reasons of course. To save his life:
He said he took the drugs to try to ''improve the quality of my life'' after living with diabetes for more than 20 years. He acknowledged he acted without ''proper medical supervision.''
So while we ponder Coach Wilson's seeming inability or unwillingness to research that new fangled substance "insulin", we can only applaud the NFL for its blind adherence to dogma no matter the mitigating circumstances. If Tony Romo suddenly figures out how not to throw the ball at the guys in the other coloured jerseys, we'll know exactly who to blame. And the Emperor will be watching. Of that you can be certain.

Cowboys QB coach suspended for HGH []

Update: According to Deadspin (and who am I to doubt Dear Leader Who Is A Living God), Coach Wilson's "quality of my life" quote, actually referred to "quality of my hard-on". So in addition to sharing svelte, Adonis-like figures, Coach Wilson and I receive the same emails. However, my original point still stands. Emperor, I beseech you; leave the man alone. If he ain't between the lines, he ain't a threat to your league. Otherwise you risk the Wrath Of Wife. You've been warned.

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