More Fun With Hummers (It's Probably Not What You Think)

You know how it is. You're zipping along the highway, not a care in the world. You're calm. You're courteous. You're happy as a clam. Maybe you're thinking about how great your life is, having accomplished everything you've ever dreamed of. Maybe you're thinking about how promising, how so goddamned sweet the future looks. Then suddenly some maniacal asshole in the next lane does something to ruin it all. We've all been there. We know how that feels. Ray Emery certainly does.

OTTAWA - A West Ottawa retiree is accusing Senators goalie Ray Emery of trying to run him off the road before threatening to kill him during an alleged case of road rage earlier this week. Jean V. Therien alleges in a police report that the 24-year-old Senators goalie swore at him and called him an "old bag of bones" and an "old fool" before threatening him.

Now, far be it from me to doubt Mr. Therien's account of what happened. I could hardly accuse a retiree, one of my elders whom I've been taught to respect and admire, of hyperbole and preening for the media after realizing that the other driver involved in this incident was a famous, deep pocketed and much loved local athlete with a history of vehicular mishaps. After all, I wasn't there. But, um, anything you'd care to add Mr. Therien?

Mr. Therien, who admits he cut Mr. Emery off on the westbound Highway 417 near an off-ramp moments earlier, said the threat came after Mr. Emery repeatedly swerved into his lane. "If I had not got out of his way, there is every reason to believe I would have ended up in the ditch."

Ah. Yes. I see. Mr. Therien, please rest assured that I mean this with the all due respect, bearing in mind that I drive that highway everyday. You are my elder after all and I would hate to cause offence. Maybe, just maybe, you should, perhaps, not drive like a fucking moron.

Now I'm going to type this slowly, because I know that neither you, nor your fellow "retirees" read all that quickly:

1) When changing lanes, make absolutely sure there isn't the biggest fucking vehicle ever mass produced occupying the space beside you. And if you can remember to use that little stick thingy poking out from the steering column, that would be great too. It makes a little light on the back of your car blink really fast, thus signifying your intentions. It's really neat. Just don't forget to turn it off.

2) Should you suddenly be seized with the urge to move to the passing lane, do attempt to actually overtake the vehicle to your immediate right. I can't stress this enough. If you're moving at the same speed as that vehicle, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG FUCKING LANE YOU IDIOT. Those nice people flashing their brights at you aren't saying hello.

And one last thing Mr. Therien (although I could offer page after page of advice to you and your ilk). Had I been driving that Hummer, you would have ended up in the ditch.

Ottawa Driver Says Emery Threatened Him During Road Rage Incident [Ottawa Citizen]