TSN Bravely Refuses To Believe Burke's Soul Still For Sale

I'm sorry, did I miss something?

The last time I looked (or had Pierre McGuire yell at me about it), MLSE's latest foray into the land of Cantankerous Irishmen Not Named Pat Quinn has yet to yield any real results. But fear not stout, albeit delusional, blue and white clad yeomen, a quick perusal of TSN's home page assures you all is well:

• OTR brings us Bobby Clarke, waxing rhapsodic with "words of praise for Brian Burke...admitting he was a fan of his work as a general manager. But while he thought Burke would do a good job for the Maple Leafs, he expressed some concerns". My guess is those "concerns" centre largely around no longer being the biggest egomaniacal blowhard in the Eastern Conference.
  

• Not to be outdone by Michael Landsburg and his carbon fiber cheek bones, the intrepid NHL on TSN panel "discuss who they think will stay and who will go when Brian Burke takes over" (emphasis...um, not theirs).

• And finally, Bob McKenzie sets aside his onion belt as he struggles to remember that dusty old saw about actually confirming something before reporting it as fact (sooooo 1985!) and offers us, in his usual gripping fashion, that "The Brian Burke-Toronto Maple Leafs saga is close to reaching its logical conclusion." Settle down there, Bob.
  

For those keeping score at home, that's three items on the main page of Canada's self proclaimed sports leader about a story that hasn't even happened yet. And they wonder why the rest of the country presumes that the "T" in "TSN" stands for "Toronto".

For the record, my guess as to why Burke hasn't yet surrendered to the Dark Side signed with MLSE? Neither camp can agree on who has to water Cliff Fletcher twice a week.

Geez...I Thought WE Were A Tough Crowd

The Montreal Canadiens are 10-5-2. The prohibitive favourite to win the Northeast Division, and touted as one of the teams to come out of the East and go to the Finals. Their goaltender, despite an alarming lack of facial hair (or puberty, for that matter) shows all the signs of being the real deal. And they have three forward lines fast enough to make me (and our defence) break out into a cold sweat.

But they have hit a bit of a rough patch, of late, winning only one in their last four. So what to do? The answer is obvious. This is November. The playoffs are a scant five months away. You pull up your socks. You work harder. You get back to the things that made you great!

Or...just fire the coach.

The wheels, they wobble and there's blood in the water. This pleases me. I always mangle my metaphors when I'm happy.

GAME ON!

Emperor Goodell Cares Not For Your Life Saving Drugs

WARNING: What follows is a non-hockey related post as we wait for something, anything worth mocking to emanate from Palladium Drive. If anyone objects to NFL football appearing on a site devoted to hockey, Five For Smiting would like to offer the following, with all due respect: Piss off. I like football and it's my blog. So there. Thank you, come again.

For obvious reasons, the NFL has arguably one of the toughest drug policies of all the major sports. While the NHL and MLB continue to whistle past the graveyard that is steroid abuse ("What about Barry? Oh, that's glandular."), the NFL was forced some years back to toughen its stance after All Pro D-Lineman Lyle Alzado caused them considerable inconvenience by having the temerity to die from the side effects of a career spent juicing. Fifteen years later, the league has let it be known that if you're caught, the wrathful vengeance of the Commissioner's office will be swift, and damn near biblical in its severity. What we may not have been aware of until now, is that this also applies to fat middle aged guys in golf shirts.

NEW YORK (AP) - Dallas quarterbacks coach Wade Wilson was suspended for five games by the NFL on Saturday for buying and using performance-enhancing substances.

Why, you may ask, does a man whose primary function is to carry a clipboard and scream at rookies for three hours every Sunday need a performance enhancing substance? For the most nefarious of reasons of course. To save his life:

He said he took the drugs to try to ''improve the quality of my life'' after living with diabetes for more than 20 years. He acknowledged he acted without ''proper medical supervision.''

So while we ponder Coach Wilson's seeming inability or unwillingness to research that new fangled substance "insulin", we can only applaud the NFL for its blind adherence to dogma no matter the mitigating circumstances. If Tony Romo suddenly figures out how not to throw the ball at the guys in the other coloured jerseys, we'll know exactly who to blame. And the Emperor will be watching. Of that you can be certain.

Cowboys QB coach suspended for HGH [TSN.ca]

Update: According to Deadspin (and who am I to doubt Dear Leader Who Is A Living God), Coach Wilson's "quality of my life" quote, actually referred to "quality of my hard-on". So in addition to sharing svelte, Adonis-like figures, Coach Wilson and I receive the same emails. However, my original point still stands. Emperor, I beseech you; leave the man alone. If he ain't between the lines, he ain't a threat to your league. Otherwise you risk the Wrath Of Wife. You've been warned.