My Personal Services Contract With Satan Stipulates I Must Mock This

Yes, I know it's everywhere. Everybody has it, even Deadspin, whose hockey coverage can best be described as "naive" (easy Greg...The Closer notwithstanding). It's been running on a continuous loop on TSN, Sportsnet, CTV News and a circa 1987 VCR somewhere in the bowels of ESPN.

But I don't care. 197 feet. Shorthanded. The only thing that would have made this better would have been a 1-0 loss. But, I'll take it either way. Seriously. I could watch this all day.



I know J.C. Petit. J.C. Petit is a friend of mine. And you, sir, are NO J.C. Petit.

Game 17: Sens 3, Sabres 2 -- The Highs, The Lows, The Creamy Middle

Dear friends of the Northeast Division,

Really, is this the best you can do? Is this all there is? I mean, it's not like we haven't given you any chances. Boston, you took one game to overtime riding the back of a ridiculously hot goalie. We won in a shootout. Sure, you managed to steal a point, but still. And how about you, Montreal? In our first game you made rather foolish promises. In the second, we gave you a lead with five minutes to go, and yet you couldn't beat us.

And you Toronto, what about you? Hello? Toronto? I'm talking to you...listen here ple -- yes that's a very nice fingerpainting...um...sure, I'll put it on the fridge. What? Darcy, stop screaming! Now what was that? No, you can't have any cookies this close to bedtime. Shhhh...I'm talking to the big people now. Thank you. Good boys.

Buffalo, you were our last hope. You were the one we were counting on to make this interesting. And yet...and yet... Young man, we are very disappointed in you. Look, we realize you were violated this summer, losing almost 80 goals and 160-ish points from the roster that surrendered meekly lost to us in five games in the Eastern Final. We know. And that mean Mister Lowe treated you just horribly.

But please, for all our sakes', pick it up will you? And if not for us, than do it for the sake of the Commissar. Can you, as a group, please, please try to make the 24 remaining games we have against all of you a little more...shall we say...competitive? Just a little? Please think of the ratings!

Thank you, and God Bless,
The Ottawa Senators.

The Highs:

• Traditional gift for one's 800th anniversary? 35 pounds of bowl-shaped silver: As the chants of Alfie! Alfie! Alfie! rang from the Bank's rafters last night following the Captain's two goals and announcement of his 800th game in a Sens jersey, I couldn't help but wonder how many of those chanters had been calling for his head not one year before. Stand and be ridiculed, heathens!

• Mike, if I weren't straight, and you weren't an evangelical Christian, we would so totally hook up: Never have I seen two more beautiful no-look passes as Fish delivered to Alfie and Donovan, each for goals. Ever. WHY CAN'T I QUIT YOU?!?!

• Nurse? It hurts when you touch me there: The Golden Groin finally made it back into the line up. While he wasn't quite the JAAAYYYYSSSSON!! we've come to know and love, he did cough up the puck just enough to remind us why he doesn't play on the penalty kill. But when you hear the play-by-play guy exclaim "Spezza! Helping out defensively!", you know he's having a pretty good game.

The Lows:

• If it's not on our site, it didn't happen: While the official team site conveniently fails to mention this, the Senators went 1/7 on the power play against the Sabres. Or to put the suckitude in a different light, 16.9% (13/77) for the season. Good for 18th (God, I feel like Dean Brown, quoting all of these stats...so dirty). Apropos of nothing, Coach P., I couldn't help but notice Chris Neil's absence on the power play last night. While I'm sure it's strictly an oversight, how about trying him out, say...in front of the net? Worked pretty well for Murray last year. Just sayin...

• My Heater has gone cold. Can I get a rental?: Dany, Dany, Dany...one goal in the last 9 games. This is no way to impress the prospective father-in-law. If you're going to be here for the next 7 years, AND you want to get laid, you better have more than millions of dollars in your pocket. You have to produce man! Wait, what? Oh...apparently your millions are enough. Okay. But if you could score a couple of goals, that would be cool too.

The Creamy Middle: This game was never really in doubt, even with the parade to the penalty box in the third period. Let's face it. The Sabres, after having been raped and pillaged over the off season, are no longer the threat they once were. And at 15-2 it's getting a little tough to find things to complain about. Luckily for me, there's always the Leafs...

Up Next: Hey! Looky here! It's the Leafs. Tomorrow night, in Toronto. There are several certainties surrounding this one. 1) Alfie will be booed each time he touches the puck. 2) Bob Cole will climax every time he says "Mats Sundin" and 3) Jiri Tlusky's text messages will be very, very closely monitored.*



*More on that later. You didn't think I would let that go did you??

Game 14: Sens 5, Latest Victims 1 -- The Creamy Middle

In thoughtful response to my guest appearance over at Pension Plan Puppets, witty and erudite commenter, LeoSC saw fit to post the following: "just wait till tonight!". Um...Leo? I'm still waiting. Leo? You there? Hello! Is this thing on?

The Highs:

• Does this mean we have to play the rest of our games at the Hockey Hall of Fame?: 13-1 and proud holders of a new league record! Now there's been some crazy talk around these here interwebs that this year's Sens team may equal, or even surpass the all time win record set by the 1976 Montreal Canadiens. That team lost all of eight games on route to a 136 point season. With a clear head, and unimpeachable logic, I will endeavour to expound on this in a future post, but for now ladies and gentlemen, allow me to state the following with neither qualm nor reservation: IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN SO EVERYBODY SHOULD JUST CALM THE FUCK DOWN! Thank you. As you were.
  


• Ladies and Gentlemen, Vessa has left the building: For those of us not fortunate enough to have erased the memory engrams through the self-administration of enormous quantities of alcohol, watching Vessa Toskala skulk to the bench after having given up his 4th goal on 12 shots was sweet indeed. The days of manhandling a vastly inferior Leaf team only to have guys like Belfour and Joseph stand on their heads and beat us seem to have been relegated to the dustbin of history, right next to Gary Roberts' ghost and Mats Sundin's dignity.
  


• Look up. Look waaaaaaaay up: I get to use the picture you see above. I think I'll have that airbrushed on the hood of my car, 70's poon-van style. All it needs is a buxom, leather-clad Amazonian warrior princess holding a white tiger on a chain.

The Lows:

• Hey, why is your picture on a milk carton?: Memo to Joe Corvo. Please observe the gigantic contracts being signed all about you. Now calculate the impact of those signings vis-a-vis the salary cap in the coming years. Next, examine your own salary in relation to said cap. Finally, review the level of your own play in the first 14 games. Please ensure personal affairs are in order for a late February departure.



• Sleep Mercy is for the weak, Abu!: Did Troy ease up on Athens? Hell no. Did Nelson turn to the Spanish at Trafalgar and say, "Oh dear. Terribly sorry old man. Sherry?" No fucking way! They not only defeated their enemies, but they crushed them, ground their bones into dust and displayed the eviscerated corpses as a warning to others that "WE ARE NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH!" In short, they removed the very will to exist from those enemies, their families and their countrymen. So, remind me again Coach P., exactly why we got off the gas after the 4-0 goal?



• Your shower Bubba ain't gonna take to kindly to that: Hey Mark! That was a classy piece of work there, suckering Chris Neil with under a minute to go and then running behind the linesman. Noticed you had your gloves on too. Very nice. But a word of caution: Your "friends" out in the yard, 155 days hence, probably won't view that as very heroic. Fellow inmates can be bitches that way.

The Creamy Middle: While I could go on ad infinitum about the sweetness of last night's humiliation, I'll let ESPN (tWWL for you Deadspinners) take it home:

The Senators improved to 15-2-2 in their last 19 games against their provincial rivals, including wins on consecutive nights to begin the season.

Oh, and as a final shout-out to my friend LeoSC, in response to your cutting analysis that "The bully will still beat the shit out of you, just wait till spring!", I can only add...No. Not so much.

Up Next: The Caps come a callin' at the Bank tomorrow night. While "Battle of the Nation's Capitals!" doesn't have quite the same ring to it, at least it promises to be more of a challenge. They've got this Russian kid you see. I hear he's pretty good.

Senators win eighth straight, off to best start in NHL history [ESPN.com]

Note To CBC: It's Only A River

When perusing the desolate moonscape that is this stretch of the Senators schedule, I knew last night's game wouldn't be televised. How? Well, in return for $500 million, some sexual favours and a tootsie pop to be named later, Commisar Bettman granted the CBC exclusive Canadian broadcast rights for any hockey game happening anywhere we Canuckistanians may want to see. You want to see you're local junior team on closed circuit? Forget it. You taped your ten year old's Atom House League game that morning and now want to show it to Grandpa, oblivious to the fact that Grandpa would rather remove his own pacemaker with a hot poker than see little Timmy fall down for another two hours? If it's on a Saturday, a crack team of CBC lawyers will bust down your door, serve you with a restraining order, confiscate the tape and steal the pacemaker before you can say "Bob Cole should be isolated and mined for nutrients".

I also knew that Mother Corp almost never, ever, goes through the trouble and expense of broadcasting games from the Great U.S.ofA. during the regular season. Unless it's a big deal, like Gretzky's last game, or the first game of a new expansion team, too many pot convictions on their technical crew makes getting through customs too big a pain in the ass. So I had no expectations that I would see the Sens/Devils game on television, regardless of the fact that New Jersey was opening their new building.

Well, imagine my surprise when I flipped to my trusty Bell ExpressVu channel guide at seven o'clock and saw CH206 CBC OTT: Toronto vs. New York Rangers. Oh joy. Thanks Nancy! Really. So you sent a full crew to cover a game between one team going absolutely nowhere in our lifetime and another that has only won once all season while ignoring the best team in the East playing a perennial power, in a brand new building. Of course, I can understand. After all, the Sens/Devils game was happening all of 7 miles away from Manhattan. Hey, here's an idea? How about you drop the Laughs and pick up the Sens instead? Maybe send Cuthbert down to do the...oh, wait.

Toronto bias at the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation?? Heavens! Perish the thought!

A Raised Glass To A Group Of Extraordinary Gentlemen

This has been a rather hectic time at Casa Cojones (hence no Florida/Ottawa Creamy Middle...well, that and it was a pretty dull game), however, I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge our friends at Four Habs Fans for honouring our little wager. Hopefully, loyal readers, you both have been as amused as I have.

And as Every Hab Fan notes in the comments (and HF 29 so succinctly put it here), we will always be united by the fact that we both think the Leafs SUCK! So about the rematch...

Game 1 Sens 4, Laffs 3 (OT): The Good, The Bad, The Creamy Middle

The Good:

• Well, we won, so that’s something.

• Gerber looked solid. At least I think that was the gist of Pierre “CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW??” McGuire’s breathless analysis. His point about Gerber’s confidence was a little subtle for the casual fan such as myself to grasp. He really should have repeated it eight or nine more times.

• Heater is on pace to score 168 goals. Projected over the life of his new contract that would be $44,642.86 per goal. Bargain!

• Wade “The Monster From Lloydminster” Redden! Throwin’ down, and gettin’ bloody! “He was all up in my business yo, and I was all, like YO, chill bitch, befo’ I cap your honkey ass.” Or some such suitably Western Prairie Farmer smack.

The Bad:

• Wade Redden throwin’ down and gettin’ bloody. Seriously, guys. When Reds is the most emotional guy on the ice, you might want to crank it up a bit. Just saying.

• Brian McGratten being the most emotional guy OFF the ice. Mr. Paddock, a word please. I know you’re a little rusty at this “Head Coaching” business, but when one of your star defencemen gets into TWO fights, you might want to send a message to the other team that that may not be, perhaps, on the whole, entirely cricket. Please look to your right. Observe the large angry man currently chewing through the boards to get at the offending opponent. Tap said angry man on the back, thus restoring the universe to its natural harmonic balance. Thank you.

• JAAAAYSSONNNNN!!!( In the manner of Fred Flinstone’s WILLLLMAAA!) What on God’s green earth will it take, to make you stop THROWING THE FUCKING PUCK THROUGH THE MIDDLE OF YOUR OWN FUCKING ZONE??? Maybe we can try some kind of electro shock therapy, because nothing else is working. Every time you do it, 50,000 volts goes shooting through your junk.

The Creamy Middle:

Up next, well-well, if it isn’t the Leafs again. This time at home, and this time with the full CBC HNIC treatment. I’m predicting the boys will come out with a little more jump in their legs tonight. I’m also predicting that Mssrs. Newbury and Battaglia would do well to watch their backs. I also hear there may be a small ceremony before the game, possibly involving a banner of some sort. I have no idea whatever what that could be.

Be safe kids! Enjoy the rematch. If you're of a mind, head over to the always entertaining game thread at Battle of Ontario. Or, at the very least, do what I'll be doing. Take a shot every time Bob Cole screws up a name.

Go Sens Go!!

Oh Dany Boy, The Banks, The Banks Are Smiling

Terry Marcotte from CTV Ottawa has just confirmed that Heater has signed for six years, $45 million.

Damn, that feels good. A home town discount in exchange for a long term deal. More on this tomorrow, but for now, lift a pint, settle in for the opener and rejoice in the fact that the Leafs have fallen just that much further behind us.

Your Totally Half-Assed Season Preview

As I've mentioned before, I'm not very good at previews. While I like to argue that a player-by-player breakdown of a team into its component parts serves no purpose as it discounts the holistic strengths inherent in a cohesive unit (the whole being greater than the sum of parts and all that), the truth of the matter is that I'm just too fucking lazy.

That said, with the 2007-2008 season less than 32 hours away (and I hope you're as moist about that as I am), I felt I owed it to both my loyal readers to put something up before puck drop tomorrow night, if only to be able to justify the inevitable and merciless taunting I will be doing over the broken, bleeding bodies of our opponents come next June.

So buckle up as we take a line by line trip through the locker room, albeit in a less alliterative fashion, and some quick thoughts on the playoffs. Because October is not too soon to be thinking about April. We will then get back to our regularly scheduled rants, rumours and innuendo. Promise.

Forwards:

1st line: Heatley, Spezza, Alfreddsson.

For the time being anyway. Unlike the more mainstream pundits, I've never been that orgasmically enamoured by the "CASH" line. Aside from the lamest line nickname in history, putting these three together has always smacked of putting too many eggs in one basket. As we saw in the Finals last year, shut this line down and our scoring goes into the crapper. This will no doubt change as the season goes on, with Alfie dropping to the second line and for that, I will be very grateful. But in the meantime, Alfie's continuing mission to point Spezz to his own end of the rink will continue.

2nd line: Foligno, Fisher, Eaves (subject to change if the rookie shits his pants)

I have to admit, when I heard that The Spawn Of Mike had made the team, my first thought was that he'd be a good fourth line cog to plug into the hole left by Dean McAmmond's temporary inability to tie his own skates, and that once that was rectified, little Nicky would be riding the buses in Bingo for at least another year. Imagine my surprise to open this morning's paper and find him on the second line. On the strength of his preseason, I'll give him the benefit of my considerable doubt, but you have to think that Paddock will be rather quick with the hook if things don't go as planned. As for Fish, well everyone knows my feelings on him. And Patty Eaves has always been underrated, I think. While his history of injury makes me a little nervous, all he does is give everything he has to any role he's asked to play, and without bitching about it. You can never have too many of those guys.

3rd line: Vermette, Kelly, Neil

At the risk of hyperbolizing, these three are the guys that will be responsible for winning us that Big Ugly Trophy next spring. Arguably, the best third line in the League, they've done nothing but improve from year-to-year, to the point that they would easily play on any other team's second unit (and yes, I am including Neil in that). While the primary role of any third line is to check the opposition into the ice, all three have the speed to turn the other team's mistakes into a scoring chance faster than Paul Maurice can question his career choice. Look for a breakout year for all of them.

4th line: Donovan, Inanimate Carbon Rod, Schubert/McGratten

Welcome to the Plug-And-Play section of today's program. Until McAmmond's return we'll be seeing just about everybody playing at centre for this line, possibly up to and including the beer vendors. Look for Kelly and Fish to be double shifted along with the occasional appearance of our Athenian Wonder, while Schubert bounces back and forth from the blue line. Donovan is a bit of an unknown quantity, but if he pastes Darcy Tucker just once this season, I'm putting him on my Christmas card list.

Defensive pairings:

Philips/Volchenkov: Our top shut down guys, there's no reason to think they won't pick up where they left off last year. A-Train's superhuman ability to attract vulcanized rubber is a bit worrisome due to the increased probability of taking one off the head, but I wouldn't trade him for a thousand Chris Pronger wayward elbows.

Redden/Meszaros: Let's be honest. Wade Redden will not be with the Senators past the trade deadline. We can't afford to resign him past this season, but neither can we let him walk for nothing. There is the pesky matter of his no-trade clause however. Time to earn your money Bryan. Mez suffered a bit of a sophomore slump after a stellar rookie year, but now that he has a year of top-four duty under his belt, he should be more comfortable.

Corvo/Schubert/Richardson: I'm not entirely convinced signing Richardson was a great move. Mostly because the conditions that rendered him expendable in Philly (and if you couldn't make the Flyers last year, you have big problems) are still there, i.e.: too big, too slow. But as a seventh guy to fill in while Schube is playing on the wing, or a veteran presence to calm the whipper snappers when things get hairy, I will grudgingly admit it may have been money well spent. Corvo's howitzer from the blue line is nice to have, but the early Vegas line has the over/under on his first "I suck so much" meltdown of the year locked in for the 28th of December.

Goalies:

Ray Emery's wrist/Martin Gerber/Brian Elliot

As always, the Achilles heel. Can Rayzor be The Man once his wrist is finally healed? And more important, can he stay the hell out of any vehicular trouble? Remember, he fought the puck through most of the playoffs, but was bailed out by a crazy-good team D. At least until the Final. Will Gerber be able to hold the fort in the meantime, without having some kind of existential meltdown in his confidence? And after that, who's left? This will be the story all season. Maybe we can trade Reds for, say, Carey Price. What do you say guys, any takers?

Fearless Prognostications:

It's pretty safe to assume that the Sens are a lock for the division title. Boston has probably improved the most out of all five teams, but not enough to make a charge. After the rape and pillage in Buffalo, the Sabres, Habs and yes, even the Leafs, will be too busy just trying to make the playoffs to be a serious threat. That's not to say I'm not looking forward to a few more goalie fights this year (Ya heard me Toskala! Drop 'em, bitch!)

And while there is no reason to think that we won't challenge for the conference title, that third seed (at a minimum) will come in mighty handy come April. If we're going to make a return trip to the Finals (and let's not fool ourselves, it's this year or bust...a theme I will be harping as the season goes on) we'll need to go through a much improved Rangers team and the perpetually bothersome ass-pimples that are the Pittsburgh Penguins (another year with The Pensblog. Whee!).

So how will it shake out? We take the Pens in the Eastern Final before exacting revenge on Brian Burke and his shitty haircut for the Cup. Then again, I'm just a lazy bastard talking out of his ass here, and I reserve the right to repudiate, reject or otherwise deny anything I just wrote. But enough of this. Just drop the goddamned puck already!

Thanks Bryan. Now Go Find Twelve More Just Like Him

Back in my pre-buttergut days, before I discovered the twin temptresses of beer and bacon, I played minor hockey, football and high school basketball (by “played” basketball, I mean “sat on the bench and waved a towel in an excited and inspirational fashion until the coach put me in at the end of a blowout”) and on every team I’ve ever been on, there’s always one. One guy who may not be the most talented player or whose contributions won’t always show up on a stat sheet, but a guy without whom you have absolutely no chance of winning anything. One of my football coaches called them “spoon guys”.

Thankfully for us, we didn’t attend a Catholic school, and therefore, the turn of phrase caused no undo alarm. Coach’s basic point was that every successful team had on it a player, who when handed a teaspoon and told to dig a hole through a brick wall, would salute smartly and have at it, bug-eyed and foaming at the mouth, until either the hole was duly dug, or the player died in the attempt, his spoon-hand nothing but a mangled, pulpy mass.

Since his rookie days as a Senator, Mike Fisher has been that guy. And he will be That Guy for the Senators until 2012.

It looks as though Mike Fisher won't be going anywhere for a while. Fisher has signed a five-year, $21 million extension with the Ottawa Senators. He will earn $1.5 million this season.

Fisher scored 22 goals and dished out 26 assists in 68 games with the Senators last year. In 384 career NHL games Fisher has totals of 92 goals and 100 assists and a +49 rating.

Now, I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve always had a bit of a man-crush on Fish and I was getting mighty nervous at the thought that we’d lose him for nothing or worse, traded for yet another Russian pansy and a case of Metamucil (hello Mucks) as free agency loomed. I was terrified that the Senators wouldn’t recognize how valuable a guy who goes 100mph in every shift of every game really was to the team, regardless of his point totals. Thank Christ I was wrong, and like Alfie before him, we can safely call Mike Fisher a Senator for life while the Leafs die a little more inside.

There will be a night, ten to fifteen years from now, when the number 12 will be lifted to the rafters of Scotiabank Place (or whatever the hell it’s called by then) to take its rightful place beside Alfie’s number 11 and the 8 of Frank Finnigan.

If you’re there, look for me. I won’t be hard to find. I’ll be the idiot holding up the spoon.

Senators Sign Fisher To Extension [TSN.ca]

Larry Tanenbaum Can’t Get Anyone To Return His Calls

As most of you may know by now, the deliciously dysfunctional Maple Leafs Sports & Entertainment Ltd., owners of our favorite punching bags, has been trying to recruit a “mentor” for their beleaguered General Manager, John Ferguson Jr. This came as a bit of a surprise to JFJ himself when the news hit the papers a few weeks back, but ever the company man, he completely accepted it with the humility and grace which befits such a huge vote of confidence from one’s employer. That was then. Now it would appear that MLSE has “reconsidered”:

Efforts to woo an advisor/mentor for Maple Leafs general manager John Ferguson Jr. have temporarily been shoved to the backburner by Maple Leafs Sports & Entertainment Ltd.

No reason was given (yet), but the prospect of working for such a well-run organization with a rich and storied history and bright future was so attractive that Scotty Bowman turned them down flat. Dan Poile was also offered the job, but reluctantly refused in order to stay in…Hamilton Kansas City Nashville. Also interviewed for the job were former Bruins GM Harry Sinden and our very own John Muckler. Unfortunately, they were both judged unsuitable after Sinden tried to lift Richard Peddie’s wallet and Mucks spent the entire interview talking to the potted fern in the corner.

I bring this up for a couple/three reasons. First, I never, EVER pass up an opportunity to mock Toronto. Second, I needed something to segue smoothly to Kid Canada’s eloquent yet ultimately futile defence of the Leafs on Melt Your Face Off.

Thirdly? The prospect of another sad-sack Leaf season doesn’t hold the same pleasure for me anymore. I’ve come to the realization that no amount of misery will shake Leafs Nation out of their myopia and arrogance. The Harold Ballard Years created an entire generation of pavlovian fans who will happily continue to shovel money by the bucket full into the gaping maw of whoever, or whatever, owns the team.

So, I actually want the Leafs to get better. The rivalry has gotten boring (“Oh, we’re playing Toronto tonight? Umm…in the…face??”), and after the rape and pillage of the Sabres effectively gave us the Division, there’s nobody around here to hate. I miss that.

Your mission JFJ: get better, make the playoffs and play the Senators. That way we can remind ourselves why we don’t like your team and the slack-jawed troglodytes that make up 80% of your fan base.

On top of that, we’d be happy to remind you that this year marks the 40th anniversary of…well, you know.

Maple Leafs Halt Mentor Search [Fan Nation]
Why My Team Is Better Than Your Team: THE Toronto Maple Leafs [Melt Your Face Off]

UPDATE: Taking a look at my site meter today I noticed a new IP address I hadn't seen before. Upon further investigation (well, I just clicked on it really) it turns out that the computer is registered to...wait for it...Maple Leafs Sports & Entertainment! Hi Larry! But, um, if I may be so bold, for a man with your responsibilities Googling yourself is rather unseemly, don't you think?

Hark! Is This A New Blog I See Before Me? Be Afraid Gary. Be Very Very Afraid

Emerging from the anarchic depths of riotous synergy that is the Deadspin commenter family (a family I am proud to be able to call myself a member of...playing the part of the alcoholic second cousin nobody wants to discuss but who shows up every Christmas to drink your good scotch and grope your wife...but only if she's hot), comes the latest battalion in Will Leitch's attempt to take over the interwebs. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce Melt Your Face-Off.

To call them a Deadspin spin-off would not only do a gross disservice to the founders, but would also give more credit to Deadspin (and by extension, parent Gawker Media) than it deserves, for as much as Will has become the King of The Sports Blogs, and beloved by legions of knowledgeably smart-ass sports fans the world over, his site's coverage of hockey kind of...well...blows.

But what wonders he has wrought! From KSK to DeadOn to Ladies... and now to Melt Your Face-Off, the like minds that gather daily (and nightly) under cover of his nurturing snark have found each other, said "Hey let's start a blog about this" and, as a group, have produced some of the finest ways to spend an entire day in a cubicle without actually producing anything of note other than carpel tunnel and an ability to laugh until coffee comes shooting through your nose.

The site is six days old now, so by all means, pop in and say Hello. If we act fast enough, we might be able to convince them that the Leafs aren't an actual professional team and hence, should be banished from all discussion for reasons of health and sanity.

Now where the hell is that scotch?

All My Exes Play Left Wing In Texas

So what do you get if you take a rabbit and jam some elk horns on its head? I'll tell you what you get. You get Texas hockey!

Wait! Come back! Let me explain. During the first round of the playoffs, just as Ottawa was taking young Master Crosby out behind the woodshed (ah...good times), I received an email from "Stephanie".

Now I don't know about you guys, but I don't normally get emails from women (my Beloved notwithstanding) unless they're offering to help me achieve some rather unusual goals like six hour orgasms, become a world renowned porn star OVERNIGHT or change the oil in my car by myself in under three days. Okay, maybe not that unusual. Anyway, I figured there was nothing different about "Stephanie". So, of course, like every other right thinking man would do when presented with an email from a woman he's never met or heard of before...I opened it.

Turns out, "Stephanie" is a real person, and a rather comely lass at that. She goes by the nickname "Zany Sports Lady" and helps run a website called texas-hockey.com. It's a beautifully designed site where you can get information on every pro level team based in Texas (Alert: If, like me, you're trapped in Dial-Up hell, the site takes a while to load).

Now it's easy for us Canucks to sit here in the cradle of hockey and mock our southern brethren about their ignorance of the Coolest Game. Lord knows I do it to Buffaslug fans often enough. But even a cursory tour of Texas-Hockey, and the 30 teams scattered throughout the state tells you that maybe Gary's Gang wasn't entirely doped up on goofballs when Brett Hull's skate blades were allowed to move to Dallas.

So what does all this have to do with the logo you see to your right? Well, as I was (slowly) bopping around the site, I came across a link for the Odessa Jackalopes of the Central Hockey League (not to be confused with Ontario's Jr. B Central Hockey League). Intrigued by one of the greatest names ever coined for a quasi-mythical animal, I went to their site and saw that logo. I was hooked. Good Lord, it's Bugs on steroids! If Barry Bonds were a rabbit...and...um...ate a gazelle...that's what he'd look like!

So I immediately became a fan of the Odessa Jackalopes, and am hereby declaring Five For Smiting the official Canadian home of all things Jackalopian. In the next little while, we'll pop in on our adopted Texas team and see what they're about. Standings will be observed (didn't make the playoffs last year boys. Pick it up.) and much opining will be done. All in all, it should be more interesting than watching the Leafs continuing drive for mediocrity. Perhaps not as much fun, but definitely more interesting.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to prepare for the upcoming season. There's a rabbit in my backyard I need to speak to about some promotional opportunities.

Go Jacks! Um...Go Lopes! Geez, somebody's going to have to help me out with that.

Texas Hockey

Odessa Jackalopes

Caution: Quasi-Serious Analysis Ahead

There are several reasons I don't go in for the whole "Serious Series Preview and Breakdown" here, not the least of which is that I'm not very good at it.

First: As you can probably imagine, I am hopelessly biased. If I were to preview, say, an Ottawa/Toronto playoff series (if such a thing were to occur again in my lifetime...HAR!), I doubt anyone would want to read a full page of balanced analysis ("Leafs SUCK and here's why!") in which I go into a five hundred word rant on why Darcy Tucker should never be allowed to procreate. Funny? Maybe. Useful? Not so much.

Two: Unfamiliarity with the opposition. If I had to guess (and my Beloved would be happy to point out...with a lonely sigh), I've watched roughly 85-90% of the Senators televised games this year. I can tell you if Mike Fisher is going to have a good game just by watching the first three strides he takes after the opening face off. I wouldn't know Ryan Getzlaf if I hit him with my car. Well, not right away, anyway. I'm sure the nice officer would introduce us.

Three: Winston Churchill once said that "Statistics are like bikinis. Interesting for what they reveal, absolutely fascinating for what they don't" Not only that, they're boring (um...the stats, not the bikinis. Bikinis are quite interesting). Dry analysis based on statistics mean nothing in the playoffs, and even less in the Finals. What matters most are things like effort and heart. Stats won't tell you who will go into a corner, or take the hit to make the play, and that's what wins Championships.

So...where does that leave me? With this:

The Ducks are a three-line/four D team. Ottawa can roll four lines all the time, all six defenceman can block shots and shut down just about anyone.

• Anaheim has logged more travel and time zone changes in the first three rounds than a drunken Delta pilot. Ottawa has yet to venture out of the eastern time zone.


• While the Ducks are the more physical team, Ottawa can play any way you want, and have the advantage of being, by far, the faster team. You can't hit what you can't catch.


• I managed to work in a Winston Churchill reference in a hockey post. C'mon, that's gotta count for something.

Senators in six. May God have mercy on avian souls.

This Just In! Buffalo Ousted In Overtime! NBC Shares Your Pain...On Its Cable Channel

In a move that could go down in the annals of broadcast history as one of the most compassionate gestures ever offered by a heartless multinational media conglomerate, the good folks at NBC decided to spare Buffaslug fans across the United States the final, gruesome death throes of their favourite team. They cut away from the Sens-Sabres overtime in order to go to their Preakness pre-race coverage, which consisted, for the most part of various representatives of the Horsey Set waxing poetic about their dead hero (um…come to think of it, I probably wouldn’t want to anger those folks either).

Unfortunately not all Sabre fans were so spared, as the NBC feed in the Greater Buffalo Area (if there is such a thing) was maintained. We are told that the seven people in the rest of the country who saw the end of the game when it was switched to Versus also feel very badly for the Slugs and their fans. So that’s something.

For you gentle readers who may think that all of those big, bad critics are being too hard on poor little NBC, SI’s Alan Muir leaps to their defence thusly:

“Just don't make out NBC as the villain here. While they could have held out for the extra 20 minutes, their position is defensible. After all, the Peacock Network pays a hefty sum for the rights to the highly rated Preakness. They simply share ad revenue for the rights to NHL games, and since there are no TV timeouts in OT, that's not a tough decision to make.

No, this one falls squarely on the sagging shoulders of the NHL. Instead of saving Saturday nights for Hockey Night In Canada, they've bent over backwards to provide NBC with the games it wants at the times it wants. And in giving NBC this game at this time with the hard deadline of the Preakness staring them in the face, they made the wrong decision.”

Other than the obvious question of why a two minute horse race needs a ninety minute lead-up, this raises some interesting points worth consideration. Namely:

1) Enraging loyal viewers is okay, because those loyal viewers aren’t buying enough toothpaste and dog food to make it worth NBC’s trouble to actually televise, you know, an entire sporting event, even when the League changed the timing of that event to suit NBC’s preference.

2) “Hard deadline”…for the pre-race?? Apparently, the good folks who control horse racing are quite insistent dat da coverage will commence at da time dey says so. Capice? Udderwise, somebody could get hoit.

3) We were completely unaware of the CBC’s covert plan to take over American airwaves and offer HNIC to our neighbours to the South. You GO Peter Mansbridge!

4) All of this is the Maple Leafs fault, naturally.


Pulling pucks for ponies. [SI.com]
ESPN Trots Out The Barbaro Crazies Again [Deadspin]

So, Mister Sundin. Will That Be Strained Carrots Or Mushy Peas Today?

As you may have heard, Mats Sundin, fearless and follicly challenged captain of the Maple Leafs, may require career ending hip surgery. I’ve never really detested Mats all that much, certainly not as much as I’ve come to detest most of the other people/animals/paedophilic janitors who’ve been involved with the Toronto Maple Leafs over the years.

Sure, I’ve hated him on the…ahem…rare occasions the Laughs knocked Ottawa out of the playoffs, and I can’t say I was all that fond of him after his little stick in the crowd tantrum, but detest him? On a Darcy Tucker, I-yearn-to-travel-back-in time-to-abort-his-freshly-conceived-zygote level? No, it’s never gotten that bad.

Which is why I’m of two minds on his impending possible retirement. On the one hand, well the guy is a Leaf after all. He had ample time to remedy that character flaw between the day he was traded for Wendy Clark and today. I’m sure there were any number of teams in the intervening years who found themselves in dire need of a bald, surly centre and would have been happy to sign him. But he chose to stay with the Evil Empire, so I’m tempted to let him lay in the bed he made.

On the other hand, Swedes (and this goes for all Swedes, up to and including their morose but incredibly hot women) are impossible to dislike that much. Consider: when was the last time you worked up a really furious lather during a Canada-Sweden game? Right! Never! Even when Canada got their ass handed to them 5-2 in the 2002 Olympic opener, we were all “Oh, that’s okay, its Sweden. They’re so cute, all tucked away up there next to Norway and Denmark…and Santy Clause”.

Granted things may have been different if it had been the Gold medal game (severed reindeer heads in Peter Forsberg’s bed spring to mind, but that might only be me). But it wasn’t, so we didn’t.

Which leads me to conclude that if this is the Cup-less end for Mats, I’ll feel a (very faint) twinge of pity for him and will always remember him as a quiet leader who was as classy as he could be and still stay on any team coached by Pat Quinn. Good luck Mats. But do go gently into that good night.

Sundin Needs Surgery [Toronto Sun]

Update: Battle of Ontario has a great take on various spins on this. I love conspiracy theories!

Update #2: Yes, I am aware of the irony in slagging Simmons on Sunday and then using his article on Tuesday, thank you very much. I didn’t say the boy couldn’t type, just that he couldn’t write. Big difference.

Steve Simmons Cannot See Little Red Lights.

The beauty of Sundays is that I can devote the entire day to sports. I do this without guilt (I also do this with full spousal approbation BTW...'cause otherwise I'd be mowing the lawn, re shingling the shed, planting a new hedge or any number of other things on my honey-do list). But Sundays...Sundays are all mine baby. After a long week, and a Saturday of running around like an idiot getting all of the errands done...Sunday is all mine.

And one of my favourite things to do to kick off Sundays is to watch TSN's The Reporters at 10:30 Sunday mornings. Why? For the loquacious stylings of one Steve Simmons, lead sports "reporter" for the nation's largest tabloid, the Toronto Sun of course.

WATCH! as the other panelists cringe at Simmons' non-sequiturs into the land of the painfully obvious! MARVEL! at the depth of the Toronto bias running through almost all of his comments! GIGGLE UNCONTROLLABLY! at his seeming inability to figure out which camera he should actually be talking into!

And if you want real fun, pick up a copy of the Sun (pretty much any one in the chain...the little weasel runs in all of them on Sunday) and compare what appears in his Sunday column and what he said on the show.

Two things become apparent when you do that: 1) His "column" is almost entirely composed of worthless one sentence pap masquerading as astute observations and 2) No matter how irrelevant that pap is to the topic being discussed on the show, he'll try to shoe horn it in somehow.

So, as a recurring (ish) post, I would like to take this opportunity to share Mr. Simmons' Sunday nuggets of intestinal gaseousness.

And so, without further ado (and without even mentioning the whole Leaf Bias...that's be next week's rant), we humbly present 29 April 2007:

The CFL Draft goes Wednesday: The Hamilton Tiger-Cats are on the clock ... Ah, I see. Channelling our Inner Berman. Very clever. How long before the bad comb over and ridiculous pick up lines?

Mike Keenan has gone to work for Swedish hockey. Word is he won't consider trading Henrik Lundqvist to another country ... I have NO idea what this means. Little help?

Tough time to be a defending champion: The Carolina Hurricanes are out of the playoffs and the Miami Heat are just about done ... Breathless! Astounding! J-school was SO not a waste of your time...and your parents money.

I amuse easily: the Atlanta Falcons drafted Jamaal Anderson yesterday ... Um, okay. Any particular reason why you find this amusing? Just askin'...'cause, you, you know, didn't...like...TELL us!

And my favourite part? He always ends his Sunday column with a "Hey, whatever happened to ..." and then pulls the name of a former sports notable who has since faded into obscurity. But he never, never, tells us what actually did happen to them. Ooooh, how very drole!

Hey, whatever happened to that talentless hack who used to "write" for the Sun?

Deaspin Hall Of Fame: You're With Me Leather [Deadspin.com]

Game 2, Period 1 -- We Thank You For Disgracing Our Nation

-- Of the 79 people in the stands in Jersey, a small few are booing the Canadian anthem. Alffie says to self: "Hey, are we were playing this game in Montreal?"

-- Rather pedestrian version of the Star Speckled Banana. Might be because the singer is a fat white guy. C'mon, would it kill ya to go a little Mariah for a bit?

-- I sit corrected. They just mentioned that the game was actually sold out. First sell out this year too. Congrats Swamp Dwellers! Of course you deserve a team...especially one that has won 3 cups in 10 years. Winnipeg is very happy for you.

-- Here we go...

-- Millen mentions Brodeur has a brand new glove. Well I guess he fixed that little 4-goals-to-the-glove-side problem, now didn't he?

-- Goal Jersey on the PP. And we now settle in for three hours of trap hockey...

-- Rayzor does not look sharp...0-8 looms, me thinks. Don't panic. We'll be okay...as long as the beer holds out.

-- Bob Cole keeps referring to Ottawa as "they", but the inflection is hilarious. Kind of like the way your 73 year old aunt refers to gay couple who just moved in next door..."Well, THEY're very affectionate...aren't THEY?" Hey...come to think of it...I think Bob Cole is my 73 year old aunt!

-- Are you fucking kidding me?!?!? Jersey goal with two goddamn TENTHS of a second in the period! SUMBITCH! On a 5-on-3 to boot. A 5-on-3, it should be noted, was the result of an absolute BULL-FUCKING-SHIT!! slashing call on Fisher. Hey McCreary!! Why don't you check with Neil and Volchenkov and their partially severred hands if you want to know what a fucking slash is you fuckstick!

-- Man...I gotta calm down.

Eastern Semi, Game 1, 3rd Period -- Random Thoughts From A Very Nervous Mind

--HEY!! Axe Shower Gel People!! For the VERY last time, I would much rather see Maria do the girl's backside than some greasy fry guy! Get it?!? Um...but keep that Schoolgirl/Beach/Sorority/Poker commercial. That was very, very...er...interesting. And warm.

--GOAL! Redden! Breathing...loosened...bronchial tubes...clearing...acne...remains.

--Where the hell are all the fans?? Hey Lou! There's probably some of those Oscar seat-fillers around and looking for work. Do something would ya? I mean...Jeez...this is just embarrassin'...

--12 minutes left and we are now in Trap Hell. Ottawa to protect a two goal lead...and Jersey, well, mostly because the team has been together so long they don't know how to play any other way. If you listen close you can hear t.v. sets all over the Greater Trenton Area being turned off. And Gary Bettman weeping. You can hear that too. Suhhhweeeeeet....

--8 minutes left. CBC is plugging a soccer game, and then it hits me: Hey,Toronto has a Major League Soccer team!! Well, good for youuuuu!! How adorable. Good luck with that. Really.

--7 minutes to go and Jersey just about scored on an exact replica of Friesen's Game 7 goal in 2003. I sense the Karmic Fates aligning against us. I tell ya, you plop your home arena in ONE Indian burial ground...I mean...C'MON! We said we're sorry!!

--5 minutes to go. I would probably buy one of those And-And-AND Bars...but then again, I'm just a 36 year old brainwashed by corporate whores for most of his --WHERE'S THE BEEF!!--life.

--4:30 left. Just saw an update: San Jose is beating Detroit 2-0, in Hockeytown. The Wings equipement guys have locked Stevie Y in a closet to keep him from getting on the ice. "Dammit Steve, when the Wings retire a number, they fucking MEAN it!!"

--1:25 left. Time out Jersey, Brodeur on the bench. Reminded of Bowser And Blue. What does a Canadian call choking the chicken? Pulling the goalie.

--29.2 seconds...Goal Jersey. Oh. My. Fucking. God. This is NOT happening. 5-4 Sens.

--0:06...faceoff outside Jersey line. Spezz wins it.

--Aaaaaannnnd....scene! Jebus-Jumped-Upped Christ on a side car. WAY closer than that had any right to be...and yet, oddly anti-climactic. We're up 1-0 in the series, taken home ice away, and can expect to get right clobbered in game two on Saturday.

With that, I will bid you a good evening. I'll get my head around almost blowing a four goal lead, I'll google some funny (and very offensive) reference material involving New Jersey/Trenton/the Mafia and/or Lou Lamiarello and be back tomorrow. Big picture kids...5 wins. 11 to go.

G'Night!

Well This Is Obviously Don Cherry's Fault. Right? Am I Right People?

This is actually my fourth attempt at this post. It was 4-0 and we were flying high! Then it was 4-3 and we were sinking low. The Lucifers (yeah, I know, pretty lame. I'll try to do better before the end of the series) pressed and pressed but the second ended at that same 4-3 score. So after the high and the low, we settled for the creamy middle.

As I catch my breath, nervously awaiting the third (and flipping through my rolodex for Crazy Voodoo Priestess Woman...oh, we're not finished yet Brodeur. Oh no. Not by a long shot. You and me.), I go through the first two periods in my head, looking for the turning point. Where was the spark that got Jersey going? And then it hits me: Don Cherry said the game was over. After the first period.

So, the inevitable conclusion here, is that if we lose, it's the Leafs fault!

I knew it! See you after the game. I hope. Unless the Leafs get to me first...

Death March Of The Penguins.

When game time rolled around, roughly 3 hours ago now, we debated whether we should do a quasi-live post on this game, as we did for 3 of the first 4 games. After much soul searching, and a beverage or three, it was decided that it would not be a good idea. Not because of any obvious biases which would be inherent in the posts themselves (Biased? Fuck yeah!), but because the range of emotion on this end would be impossible to articulate and thus, pretty goddamned boring.

But now the game is done. The Senators are through to the second round. That is a lovely turn of phrase...try it for yourself. The Senators are through to the second round. And the best news of all? Of the remaining Eastern teams, the only one the Senators are guaranteed not to meet in Round 2 is the team that poses the biggest threat: Buffalo (thank you Rangers).

And so we will spend the next few days basking in the glow of a series win and the salivating possibilities of the weeks ahead. Personally, we're kind of hoping for a series against the Rangers, if only to find a use for 671 boxes of Jello.

And we bid a fond farewell to the Happy Feets. Rest assured your day will come, but you'll need to pay a much higher price if you want to succeed. Ottawa has paid that price. It's our year, at least until the next round.

G'Night!