Let This Be A Lesson Young Man: Octogenarian Composers Are Not People With Whom One Should Trifle

Pic swiped from the CBC website. Since they were giving everything else away today, I didn't want to feel left out.

Well, that was certainly a tidy bit of business, wasn't it Scott? You must be exhausted. You should go home and relax a little. You know, loosen your tie. Fix yourself a drink. Sit quietly alone, contemplating a hard day's work. Smash yourself repeatedly between the eyes with a blunt object...

I'm told the kids have a word for what happened to you. It may well have fallen out of fashion, I don't know. It's so hard to keep up with the latest trends, isn't it? Tsk...public opinion is just so hard to gauge sometimes, am I right?

Anyway, as I said, there is a word, the perfect word for what transpired: You got pwned. It means, according to the Urban Dictionary, "to be dominated by an opponent or situation, especially by some god-like force." That "god-like force" Scott, was the CTV Network.

In the likely chance that you remain confused as to the thrust of my argument, I'll put it another way. You were just violently sodomized in the mother of all metaphorical prison rapes. And you brought it on all by yourself. Don't believe me? Check out the language CTV used in its press release. Try not to trip over the gloat...

CTV Inc. has acquired all rights to 'The Hockey Theme' in perpetuity, preserving the song's legacy and ensuring it will be heard on national television for years to come..."It's an honour and a privilege to own such a cherished piece of Canadiana." said Rick Brace, President, Revenue, Business Planning and Sports, CTV Inc.

Yikes. "It's an honour and privilege to own such a cherished piece of Canadiana". If you listen really close Scott, you can almost hear the PR staff in the background, yelling "HAH! LOOOOSERS!" between the pop of champagne corks.

And I really must commend you on the grace and class with which you took your pwning...um...I mean, "business reversal"...

"Hockey is a game, it's not a song," Moore said. "We have the No. 1 sports property in Canada. I don't expect one less viewer to tune in on Saturday to watch Hockey Night in Canada. They will continue to watch their favourite team."

Moore said he was surprised a rival network would purchase something so inextricably linked to the Hockey Night brand. "It's a constant commercial for our network," he said.

Neat trick, that. Calling it just "a song" while at the same time expressing shock that someone else would steal it out from under you because it's such a valuable and "inextricable" part of your "brand". But I suppose "Oh YEAH?!?!? I know YOU are, but what am I??" didn't make it out of draft.

And as for being "surprised a rival network would purchase something so inextricably linked to the Hockey Night brand" you're literally a day late and several million dollars short on that one. Not that anybody tried to tell you of course.

CTV Saves 'The Hockey Theme Song' [TSN.ca]
CTV Purchases The Hockey Theme [CBC.ca]

Dear CBC: Perhaps You've Misunderstood Us...KEEP THE FUCKING SONG!!!

The ability of pinhead elitists to misread or (more likely) ignore the common mood never ceases to amaze me. "There, there", they cluck. "We know better. Now go play with your t.v. and drink that stuff you like so much...what's it called again? Oh yeah!..."beer". How cute!"

Say goodbye to the soundtrack of Saturday night. The iconic, long-running theme song for Hockey Night In Canada will be replaced by a new tune chosen in a $100,000 contest open to all Canadians, the head of CBC Sports said last night.

Um...okay. We (and it's very much "we", remember) are going to spend one hundred large, on top of whatever production costs some asinine CBC-ized version of "Canadian Idol" (please welcome your host, Rita McNeil! And she's dressed as Anne of Green Gables!) will run, just to avoid paying an 80 year old woman $23,000.00.

Ah, but there's another consideration, isn't there? Yes, indeed, there is. One no doubt manufactured by a room full of lawyers pulling an all nighter trying to justify their idiocy in the face of the enourmous, and apparently completely unexpected (at least to the CBC) shit storm their original announcement started. Out of the blue, comes this:

The sticking point is the $2.5-million lawsuit launched by Claman's reps, Copyright Music and Visuals, in 2004, alleging breach of contract and breach of copyright. The lawsuit points to the alleged unlicensed use of the song to sell cellphone ringtones.

This one is an even bigger no-brainer. Did the CBC sell the song as a ringtone, and thereby profit by that sale? The twelve people in my office who have just such a ringtone say yes. Did the CBC pay Ms. Claman the appropriate royalties for use of the song as a ringtone? Apparently not. Otherwise, why bother with the lawsuit?

So here's an idea, Mr. Scott Moore, Chief Pinhead at CBC Sports. How about we...oh, I don't know...PAY THE WOMAN WHAT SHE'S ENTITLED TO! Weird. I know. But I guess Mr. Moore doesn't agree with me. Referring to his Open Mike Night To Replace The Legend, Upon The Back Of Which We've Made Millions of Dollars idea, he was typically oblivious:

"I think it'll generate a great deal of public interest and discussion among Canadians," CBC Sports executive director Scott Moore said last night.

On that we can agree, Scott. It certainly will "generate a great deal of public discussion". Unfortunately for you, most of it will centre around the bunch of clueless, condescending, stuck-up, expense accounting, parasitic fucking morons running the Canadian Broadcasting Corporporation.

'Get Your Guitars Strumming': CBC [Ottawa Sun]

CBC To Little Old Lady: "Cat Food Is Yummy! Oh, And Thanks For Everything!"

I'll say this for CBC Sports (Hi Nancy! Long time no see!). They certainly know how to generate hockey buzz in the off season, even if that off season is less than 21 hours old. Normally they would wait until July to pull something this stupid.

At 12:34 p.m. this afternoon, a little item went up on the CBC website to the effect that Hockey Night In Canada would not be renewing the licensing agreement to it's own iconic theme song (they were no doubt reacting to an earlier report in that bastion of balanced journalism, The Toronto Star -- H/T to Four Habs Fans), a song written especially for them in 1968 by Dolores Claman, and one that has become, through some kind of genetic mutation, Canada's unofficial "second national anthem".

Try as they might to bury it between a link to the day's soy futures and a five part series written by David Suzuki about how David Suzuki is such a genius he deserves to be canonized by Saturday, those pinko commie astute CBC readers found it. The reaction was swift, and severe. 389 comments (and counting) were left on the site, almost universal in their condemnation. To put that number into perspective, that's roughly three times the average number of listeners tuned to CBC Radio 2 at any given moment.

At 5:26 p.m., a "clarification" was posted, saying that "Oh no no no, you have it ALL wrong! We're still in negotiations!"

Contrary to published reports, CBC Sports hasn't yet pulled the plug on the Hockey Night in Canada theme song. "We've been reaching out to [Claman] and her representative, and haven't heard back," (Executive director of CBC Sports Scott) Moore said. "We're prepared to do a deal, we're prepared to talk, but we're not prepared to do a deal at all costs."

While there's no mention of nice Mister Moore's reaction when pressed about the evident contradiction in stating that Mother Corps had been "reaching out but haven't received an answer" nearly five hours after Ms. Claman's agents told reporters that they had received a drop dead letter from HNIC the week before, I imagine it involved a shout of "LOOK OVER THERE!", followed by a dive beneath Greg Millen's ego.

Apparently the hang up is money. So let's put our math caps on, shall we?

According to the same report, CBC pays a fee of $500.00 each time the song is played, a number that has remained virtually unchanged in 40 years. To be generous, let's assume that the song is played...oh...40 times a season (20 regular season games...remember, they don't repeat it between games of a Saturday double header, and now we know why... plus playoffs). That works out to the princely sum of $20,000.00 for the entire season. The Claman camp is asking for a 15% increase in the fee. Okay...15% of $500 is $75. $75 multiplied by 40 is $3,000.00.

So, in effect, we have a Crown Corporation with an annual operating budget somewhere north of $1.2 billion balking at spending $23,000.00 for something that gives them a level of brand recognition for which McDonald's would cheerfully eviscerate Ronald in front of a room full of preschoolers to achieve. Nicely played, Mother Corps. Nicely played indeed.

To sum up, in the five or so years of Ms. Nancy Lee's stalwart leadership, CBC Sports has, in no particular order:

• a) almost fired Ron McLean before a backlash forced them to surrender faster than the French Army.
  
• b) almost fired Don Cherry until a backlash forced them to surrender faster than the French Army.
• c) actually did fire Chris Cuthbert, their best play-by-play man, and heir presumptive to Bob Cole only to see him walk to TSN for half the work and twice the money.
• d) become so Toronto centric that even the more sane members of Leaf Nation are becoming embarassed.
  
• And finally, e) attempted to nickel-and-dime a little old lady into destitution, not to mention spit in the face of every Canadian hockey fan, over a dollar amount that wouldn't cover Czarina Lee's car allowance for week.

Well, let me tell you, I have never been more proud to be a Canadian taxpayer. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to call my MP and explain to him how "privatization" works.


Last play for Hockey Night in Canada Theme Song? [CBC.ca]
Deal still possible for Hockey Night Song [CBC.ca]
Fire Up Your iPods: HNIC Song Won't Remain The Same [Four Habs Fans]

Note To CBC: It's Only A River

When perusing the desolate moonscape that is this stretch of the Senators schedule, I knew last night's game wouldn't be televised. How? Well, in return for $500 million, some sexual favours and a tootsie pop to be named later, Commisar Bettman granted the CBC exclusive Canadian broadcast rights for any hockey game happening anywhere we Canuckistanians may want to see. You want to see you're local junior team on closed circuit? Forget it. You taped your ten year old's Atom House League game that morning and now want to show it to Grandpa, oblivious to the fact that Grandpa would rather remove his own pacemaker with a hot poker than see little Timmy fall down for another two hours? If it's on a Saturday, a crack team of CBC lawyers will bust down your door, serve you with a restraining order, confiscate the tape and steal the pacemaker before you can say "Bob Cole should be isolated and mined for nutrients".

I also knew that Mother Corp almost never, ever, goes through the trouble and expense of broadcasting games from the Great U.S.ofA. during the regular season. Unless it's a big deal, like Gretzky's last game, or the first game of a new expansion team, too many pot convictions on their technical crew makes getting through customs too big a pain in the ass. So I had no expectations that I would see the Sens/Devils game on television, regardless of the fact that New Jersey was opening their new building.

Well, imagine my surprise when I flipped to my trusty Bell ExpressVu channel guide at seven o'clock and saw CH206 CBC OTT: Toronto vs. New York Rangers. Oh joy. Thanks Nancy! Really. So you sent a full crew to cover a game between one team going absolutely nowhere in our lifetime and another that has only won once all season while ignoring the best team in the East playing a perennial power, in a brand new building. Of course, I can understand. After all, the Sens/Devils game was happening all of 7 miles away from Manhattan. Hey, here's an idea? How about you drop the Laughs and pick up the Sens instead? Maybe send Cuthbert down to do the...oh, wait.

Toronto bias at the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation?? Heavens! Perish the thought!