Dear CBC: Perhaps You've Misunderstood Us...KEEP THE FUCKING SONG!!!

The ability of pinhead elitists to misread or (more likely) ignore the common mood never ceases to amaze me. "There, there", they cluck. "We know better. Now go play with your t.v. and drink that stuff you like so much...what's it called again? Oh yeah!..."beer". How cute!"

Say goodbye to the soundtrack of Saturday night. The iconic, long-running theme song for Hockey Night In Canada will be replaced by a new tune chosen in a $100,000 contest open to all Canadians, the head of CBC Sports said last night.

Um...okay. We (and it's very much "we", remember) are going to spend one hundred large, on top of whatever production costs some asinine CBC-ized version of "Canadian Idol" (please welcome your host, Rita McNeil! And she's dressed as Anne of Green Gables!) will run, just to avoid paying an 80 year old woman $23,000.00.

Ah, but there's another consideration, isn't there? Yes, indeed, there is. One no doubt manufactured by a room full of lawyers pulling an all nighter trying to justify their idiocy in the face of the enourmous, and apparently completely unexpected (at least to the CBC) shit storm their original announcement started. Out of the blue, comes this:

The sticking point is the $2.5-million lawsuit launched by Claman's reps, Copyright Music and Visuals, in 2004, alleging breach of contract and breach of copyright. The lawsuit points to the alleged unlicensed use of the song to sell cellphone ringtones.

This one is an even bigger no-brainer. Did the CBC sell the song as a ringtone, and thereby profit by that sale? The twelve people in my office who have just such a ringtone say yes. Did the CBC pay Ms. Claman the appropriate royalties for use of the song as a ringtone? Apparently not. Otherwise, why bother with the lawsuit?

So here's an idea, Mr. Scott Moore, Chief Pinhead at CBC Sports. How about we...oh, I don't know...PAY THE WOMAN WHAT SHE'S ENTITLED TO! Weird. I know. But I guess Mr. Moore doesn't agree with me. Referring to his Open Mike Night To Replace The Legend, Upon The Back Of Which We've Made Millions of Dollars idea, he was typically oblivious:

"I think it'll generate a great deal of public interest and discussion among Canadians," CBC Sports executive director Scott Moore said last night.

On that we can agree, Scott. It certainly will "generate a great deal of public discussion". Unfortunately for you, most of it will centre around the bunch of clueless, condescending, stuck-up, expense accounting, parasitic fucking morons running the Canadian Broadcasting Corporporation.

'Get Your Guitars Strumming': CBC [Ottawa Sun]

Dear Steve: You Are A Gutless Punk Ass Piece Of Shit

I hate the preseason. Absolutely loathe it. Putting aside, for the moment, the incredible rip-off these games are for the fans, it strikes me as the height of madness for a team to put its best players on the ice (let us here pause and give thanks to Gary and his Merry Band for mandating that teams must play a minimum number of “stars” in the preseason) in a meaningless game with a bunch of wannabes looking to make their bones by running at your starters. Which, of course, brings me to Steve Downie, dipshit extraordinaire.

OTTAWA - There's no telling what Steve Downie did to his chances of making the Philadelphia Flyers on Tuesday night, but it's a certainty that he won no friends on the Ottawa Senators.

The 20-year-old prospect knocked Senators centre Dean McAmmond out of the game with a concussion following a vicious second-period hit that sparked a melee and led to the Ottawa veteran being wheeled from the Scotiabank Place ice on a stretcher.

In the interest of full disclosure, I’ve never liked Downie. He's been nothing but a punk throughout his entire career, a mini Claude Lemieux without the skill or Darcy Tucker without the brains. Remember, this is a guy who got kicked off his first junior team for knocking a rookie's teeth out during practice after said rookie had the temerity to get upset after a hazing. And if the OHL had done the right thing and thrown him out of the league right then, he would have been promptly dispatched back to the cave from which he was hatched, would never have been in a position to get pissy about a clean hit from Schubert, skate 50 feet looking for payback (but never against Schube, oh no, never that. Schubert is much bigger than our fuckstick hero) and jump a foot in the air looking to take somebody's head off because the poor little piss ant was embarrassed at being put on his ass. Nope, if the OHL had done it's job, Dean McAmmond would have spent last night with his kids instead of a hospital room trying to remember his name. But they didn't, so here we are.

So, no Steve, I've never liked you. Not when you were in junior, not when Pierre "CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?!?" McGuire tried to wrap you in the Canadian flag at the World Juniors until I wanted to puke and certainly not now. Thank your lucky stars that there are classless GMs like Bobby Clarke around to draft classless assholes like you.

I think I'll let Brian McGrattan take it from here:

"He'll get what's coming to him," said McGrattan. "He'll do it to the wrong guy and somebody will put him out of hockey. You do that at his level a couple of times, guys in junior won't do it, but guys at this level will. He'll get what's coming to him next time we play him, that's for sure."

I'll be waiting for that day. And when it comes, I'll be the first one to piss on the lifeless carcass of your "career".

McAmmond Injured In Senators Win [TSN.ca]

Hysterical Learnings For The Make Betterment To Glorious Nation Of Quebekistan

They, whoever the hell “they” are, say that we get the government we deserve. Until the 2004 U.S. Presidential elections, this was not a maxim in which I put much faith (sorry Yanks, but c’mon…you elected the guy again??). I now wonder what in the name of all that is holy did we Canucks, the peaceable and reasonably sane people we are, ever do to deserve this bunch of clowns.

OTTAWA (CP) - Hockey Canada officials launched an impassioned defence of their decision to appoint Shane Doan captain of Team Canada at the World Hockey Championships.
Hockey Canada chief Bob Nicholson told a parliamentary committee Thursday that a racial slur was certainly uttered during a 2005 NHL game but said it was not Doan who uttered it.

The surreal spectacle of hockey officials being grilled by politicians played out in a stately chamber on Parliament Hill, beneath a solemn portrait of the Fathers of Confederation.

The sheer volume of idiocy in this entire affair cannot but boggle the mind. Consider:

At the behest of the baying hounds on the Hill, Bob Nicholson flies from Russia (the cost of which it should be assumed, will be picked up by the taxpayer) to “explain” why Shane Doan was named captain of the national team.

The alleged slur against “those fucking frenchies” is almost two years old.

The NHL conducted it’s own investigation, again almost two years ago, and concluded that while they were fairly sure something to that effect had been uttered during the game, they were also fairly certain Doan didn’t say it.

Never the type of people to let the truth get in the way of histrionic hyperbole, federal members of Parliament demand an investigation. And here, we should note that the lead Hysteric is a member, while drawing a healthy salary from Canada, belongs to a party whose state aim is to break Canada into three easy pieces.

With the noxious fumes of a snap election wafting in the air, the other parties follow suit like lemmings over a cliff, and soon the torches and pitchforks are out all over Centre Block.

And finally, because I can’t make this point strongly enough: It has not been proven that Doan even said anything at all!

Leaving aside for the moment that one cannot make “racist” remarks against a group of people who don’t constitute an actual “race”; we have been treated to the sight of a private citizen, dragged through the mud for something he didn’t do for the political gratification and benefit of others.

I wanted to be funny. I truly did. And I tried really, really hard. But as I was writing this, my rage got ahead of me.

And so, on behalf of every right-thinking Canadian, I say this: I am ashamed. I am ashamed of the way Shane Doan has been treated. And I am ashamed to have voted for anyone in this group of self-serving, bottom-feeding, scum-sucking self agrandizing parasites who deign to call themselves Honourable Members.

Hockey Canada officials defend Doan's captaincy [Canoe.ca]

Jerkoff Of The Day…So...Um... How Does A Former District Attorney Fare In Pris -- Oh! I see. That's Gonna Leave A Mark.

This has nothing to do with hockey, but I felt the need to add my nickel to this story, as well as avail myself of the opportunity to haul the Asshole of the Day tag out of the closet. The rape case against the three members of the Duke lacrosse team have been dropped and the players can now rest easy, free to imagine how they’ll be spending former DA Micheal Nifong’s money following the civil suit.

The North Carolina state bar filed ethics complaints against Nifong in December and January, accusing him of withholding DNA evidence from the players' defense attorneys and of "making misrepresentations to the presiding judge."

Other ethics complaints said Nifong had made inappropriate comments to the media about evidence, testimony, and the students' character and credibility. Nifong will be tried by the bar in June and could be disbarred if he's found guilty, AP reported

This was the perfect storm of rich, white, very drunk fratboys, a crack ho, and a bottom feeding lawyer’s political ambition. Based on what I’ve heard and read, I personally believe that something happened in the house that night, but also that the three players brought up on charges had nothing to do with it. The biggest angle to this is the sleazy, unethical, totally unacceptable conduct of Nifong.

Of course when the players' group of equally bottom feeding lawyers say that the accuser won’t be included in any suit because she’s a “troubled soul”, you know that they actually mean is "because she has no money”.

Shakespeare was right after all.

Duke Charges Likely To Be Dropped [CNN.com]

If a Man Can’t Have Carnal Knowledge Of A Deer Carcass, The Terrorists Have Won!

On the heels of our Avian Aficionado, comes this delightful story out of the great state of Wisconsin, home of…um…well…cheese and, it would seem, rather unbalanced youth. (Ed. – Morons! YAY!)

SUPERIOR, Wis. (AP) - A 20-year-old man received probation after he was convicted of having sexual contact with a dead deer. The sentence also requires Bryan James Hathaway to be evaluated as a sex offender and treated at the Institute for Psychological and Sexual Health in Duluth, Minn.

And, friends, that’s not even the weirdest part of the story. At the time he was caught in flagrente delicto, our boy Bryan was on probation for…wait for it…killing a horse for the same purpose. The final insult (if this is possible)? He may have to register as a sex offender. Wouldn't you love to be at his next job interview?

"So, Mr. Hathaway. I see you're a registered sex offender. "
"Oh, I'm not one of you're average, run-of-the-mill perverts."
"Hmm-hmm...While that wouldn't normally bother us here at [Ed. -- Jesus Christ!! You're gonna get us sued!!] could you elaborate?"
"Well, I kill large livestock then know them, sir. Intimately, sir"
"Get out of my office Hathaway."

He gets out of jail in December. As a public service, I would suggest that all turkeys be stored in locked freezers for the festive season. You’re welcome.

Man Gets Probation For Dead Deer Sex [My Way.com]

Update: Just to stay with a theme, I draw your attention to this. You know, sooner or later, they’re going to start fighting back. Anarchy of biblical proportions people. Biblical!

Jerkoff of the Day

True to the original intent of the site, it is my intention to post, on a quasi-daily basis, a story of someone who, through their own actions, makes you shake your head, pack the kids and immediately move to a Tibetan monastary. Today's winner comes to us courtesy of The Fanhouse via Deadspin (see? Told ya, I'm grovelling here...GROVELLIN') .

Say hello to Mr. Khalif Barnes, O-Lineman for the Jacksonville Jaguars.:

"This is unbelievable, man, unbelievable being a pro athlete in Jacksonville. I can't wait to get out of here. Can't wait," Barnes said while handcuffed in the back of a Jacksonville Sheriff's Office patrol car. "Especially if you're black." About 20 minutes later, still in the patrol car, he said, "Of all the places in the -- world that I came to this -- hick town. They -- hate us here. "Why you even want to have a pro team here? What's the use? They don't even -- respect you."

So class, to recap: He was doing 100MPH, blew a DUI, got beligerent with the officers, and they arrested him because...he's...black. O.K. Just so we're clear. Somehow, this one statement embodies everything that pisses us off about pro athletes.

We wouldn't expect him to spend much more time in Jacksonville [Deadspin]

Jaguars Khalif Barnes Calls Cop KKK Devil [The Fanhouse]