Hi Steve. Remember Us?

Hi Steve. Been awhile eh? Too long, I think. Your having to serve a twenty game suspension before hiding in the minors for our first game against the Flyers will do that. But you can't duck us forever.

Did you think we'd forget? Were you hoping that, perhaps with the passage of time, we would eventually chalk up your asshattery to youthful inexperience and put it behind us? Not fucking likely.

I don't care if we win tonight. I don't care if we lose. The only thing I care about as I watch this game is how much of your blood is pooled on the ice at the end of it, and how long it takes Philadelphia's finest medical staffs to sew your battered carcass back together. How disgusting! the self-righteous will scream. Barbaric! will come the cry from a clueless media commentariat. Well, guess what Steve? We don't care about that either.

Hockey fans, real red-blooded born-and-raised-on-the-game fans know that sooner or later, you have to answer for what you did. And God willing, tonight you will.

Buckle up asswipe. It's go time.

Dear Steve: You Are A Gutless Punk Ass Piece Of Shit

I hate the preseason. Absolutely loathe it. Putting aside, for the moment, the incredible rip-off these games are for the fans, it strikes me as the height of madness for a team to put its best players on the ice (let us here pause and give thanks to Gary and his Merry Band for mandating that teams must play a minimum number of “stars” in the preseason) in a meaningless game with a bunch of wannabes looking to make their bones by running at your starters. Which, of course, brings me to Steve Downie, dipshit extraordinaire.

OTTAWA - There's no telling what Steve Downie did to his chances of making the Philadelphia Flyers on Tuesday night, but it's a certainty that he won no friends on the Ottawa Senators.

The 20-year-old prospect knocked Senators centre Dean McAmmond out of the game with a concussion following a vicious second-period hit that sparked a melee and led to the Ottawa veteran being wheeled from the Scotiabank Place ice on a stretcher.

In the interest of full disclosure, I’ve never liked Downie. He's been nothing but a punk throughout his entire career, a mini Claude Lemieux without the skill or Darcy Tucker without the brains. Remember, this is a guy who got kicked off his first junior team for knocking a rookie's teeth out during practice after said rookie had the temerity to get upset after a hazing. And if the OHL had done the right thing and thrown him out of the league right then, he would have been promptly dispatched back to the cave from which he was hatched, would never have been in a position to get pissy about a clean hit from Schubert, skate 50 feet looking for payback (but never against Schube, oh no, never that. Schubert is much bigger than our fuckstick hero) and jump a foot in the air looking to take somebody's head off because the poor little piss ant was embarrassed at being put on his ass. Nope, if the OHL had done it's job, Dean McAmmond would have spent last night with his kids instead of a hospital room trying to remember his name. But they didn't, so here we are.

So, no Steve, I've never liked you. Not when you were in junior, not when Pierre "CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?!?" McGuire tried to wrap you in the Canadian flag at the World Juniors until I wanted to puke and certainly not now. Thank your lucky stars that there are classless GMs like Bobby Clarke around to draft classless assholes like you.

I think I'll let Brian McGrattan take it from here:

"He'll get what's coming to him," said McGrattan. "He'll do it to the wrong guy and somebody will put him out of hockey. You do that at his level a couple of times, guys in junior won't do it, but guys at this level will. He'll get what's coming to him next time we play him, that's for sure."

I'll be waiting for that day. And when it comes, I'll be the first one to piss on the lifeless carcass of your "career".

McAmmond Injured In Senators Win [TSN.ca]

Hi Mom! Having A Great Time! The Police Here Are Really Ni-OW OW OW OW!

For the second time in a month, we turn our attention to soccer, only this time, instead of mocking weak girly men for falling down too much, we focus on weak girly men and the cool, dispassionate manner in which participants at the highest level conduct themselves. Soccer moms, take note:

TORONTO (CP) - The president of FIFA says the ruling body of soccer will take "adequate actions" following a brawl involving the Chilean team at the FIFA U-20 World Cup in Toronto. Sepp Blatter told CBC Newsworld today the incident is a "black mark" on what had been a successful tournament.

As an aside, I love FIFA press releases, if only because it affords me the opportunity to type “Sepp Blatter”.

Anyway, after having two of their players thrown out of the game and 30 of the 53 fouls assessed called against them in a 3-0 loss, our Andean heroes expressed their displeasure through a spirited debate with “hundreds of angry fans” gathered near their bus. The thing was, between the fans and the team stood a large number of local policei (who were there, it should be noted, because they had earlier been forced to keep the team away from the game officials). And they had their own yellow card:

A member of the Chilean delegation was subdued by Taser during the brawl. It was not immediately clear if he was a player or a team official.

When all is said and done, this could lead to a major breakthrough in soccer’s popularity in Canada. From all accounts, this wasn’t your father’s soccer brawl, full of flailing legs and limp-wristed bitch slaps. Actual, real punches were thrown. Blood flowed. A little more of that during, say, a Toronto FC game, and MLS might have a chance here.

Barring that, then Five For Smiting respectfully requests that Sepp Blatter (WEE!) allow all on-field officials to carry their own Tasers. It may not clean up the diving, but it'll make those Uruguay-Bolivia games a lot more fun to watch.

FIFA To Take Action After U-20 Melee [TSN.ca]
Bend It Like Nate Kaeding [Five For Smiting]

Update: Over the course of the weekend, we were treated to the spectacle of a full blown international incident as the Chilean government wrote a strongly worded letter to the Canadian Ambassador in Santiago over the "abominable brutality suffered by our boys at the hands of the Toronto police", accompanied, naturally, by requisite photos of one of these poor dears showing off what could have been a welt on one shoulder. Then again, it might have been a big pimple. At least we know where those little boys get their class and ability to lose with grace and dignity.

So, Senor El Presidente, in order to help foster warmer relations and maintain diplomatic ties between our two proud nations, please allow me to state the following on behalf of my fellow Canadians: Get fucking bent. Strap on some skates, candyasses, and we'll show you what a man's sport looks like.