Death March Of The Penguins.

When game time rolled around, roughly 3 hours ago now, we debated whether we should do a quasi-live post on this game, as we did for 3 of the first 4 games. After much soul searching, and a beverage or three, it was decided that it would not be a good idea. Not because of any obvious biases which would be inherent in the posts themselves (Biased? Fuck yeah!), but because the range of emotion on this end would be impossible to articulate and thus, pretty goddamned boring.

But now the game is done. The Senators are through to the second round. That is a lovely turn of phrase...try it for yourself. The Senators are through to the second round. And the best news of all? Of the remaining Eastern teams, the only one the Senators are guaranteed not to meet in Round 2 is the team that poses the biggest threat: Buffalo (thank you Rangers).

And so we will spend the next few days basking in the glow of a series win and the salivating possibilities of the weeks ahead. Personally, we're kind of hoping for a series against the Rangers, if only to find a use for 671 boxes of Jello.

And we bid a fond farewell to the Happy Feets. Rest assured your day will come, but you'll need to pay a much higher price if you want to succeed. Ottawa has paid that price. It's our year, at least until the next round.

G'Night!

Whither Mellon??

And now we leave the Steel City, and its quaint little rink, with a sweep in our pocket and a 3-1 series lead. All things considered, we are happy. There is a certain peace in the universe when one's predictions come to pass. Well, at least allmost. And to our pre-teen friends at ThePensblog...While you may think us "FAGS!!", you have that right. But bare in mind...these fags are going to the second round.

G'Night!

2nd Period -- In Which We Secretly Pine For The Dulcet Tones Of Don Chevrier

-- Right off the start, pp for the Feets. Not much happens. Holy CRAP does Malkin look like a lost waif. This message brought to you by the Alexei Yashin School of Playoff Performance.

-- Oh-oh!! That reminds me: Note to self: tomorrow, do that Yashin post you've been mulling over. Or some time this week.

-- Crosby just can't skate. So naturally this results in an Ottawa penalty. Anybody else getting tired of this??

-- Oh dear Lord, Cole is singing the Senators praises. Surely Armageddon can't be far behind.

-- Ottawa still isn't HITTING!! C'mon Bryan!! BRASSE TA GANG!!! Um...that's French BTW.

-- 8:08 Goal Feets. Staal with an assist to the Anti-Christ. Inevitable. Too many guys standing around Emery, not enough Feets on their respective asses. Second time in two games Roberts feeds Redden his lunch. Yet, we do not despair. Yet.

-- I do believe Bob Cole just said that Don Cherry is in love with an 18 year old boy. CBC adds another 7 seconds to the delay.

-- Pace is absolutely nuts! Acid reflux kicking in...Can barely handle...crowd absolutely bugshit loud...YeathoughIwalkinthevalleyoftheshadowofdeath...

-- Jesus H KeeeeeRISTE! After about 4 minutes of end-to-end, Ottawa gives up a PP. Man, this is playoff hockey folks! Not sure I can take this...

-- End of the 2nd. Feets are on the PP, thanks to an Oscar worthy performance by Jordan Staal. Apparently the Sydney Crosby-head snap back-big "OW"-on-your-face method of penalty encouragement is catching on. Ahem...I promised I wouldn't. I promised I wouldn't descend to Pensblog levels...and I won't.

So...a moment to collect ourselves...a moment to ogle the Sunshine girl perhaps...and we'll be back after the game.

--

1st Period -- In Which Our Intrepid Hero Declares -- Mmmmm...Pizza Good!

-- Canadian Anthem...didn't...suck...cool! And no booing. Thanks Pittsburgh. We'll put our tanks away now.

-- Full marks to the crowd. On Emery right from the start..."Let's Go Pens!!"...Excellent. They realize the importance of this game. Very well done grasshopper...a worthy opponent (author reserves right to be less magnanimous as evening progresses).

-- GOOOOOOAAAAAAAL!!! 3:25 of the first. Spezza of the half-boards on the PP. Wait...under review?? WTF?!?!

-- It's a goal kids. Let us celebrate by adding pizza to wine.

-- Wow. Philips just blew on Malkin to knock him off the puck. Literally. Blew on him. I even saw Chris purse his lips and blllloooow. Soft as ice cream, that boy.

-- PP to Ottawa. Hilarious sequence on HNIC where Bob Cole called it on the wrong team, then had no clue if a penalty was going to be called, then expressed bewilderment upon noticing the ref had his arm up. Stellar work Bob! There isn't a 70 year old Newfie alive who could do better!

-- WHEEE! Charging against Ruutu...on his own guy! Brilliant!

-- Crosby flops and flails and carries on. No call. High dudgeon at the Mellon (Seriously. Can't find a better naming sponspor?)

-- Ottawa has stopped hitting. This seems to be contradictory to a winning strategy. In other words: HIT THE BASTARDS UNTIL THEY CRY FOR THEIR MOMMIES! I mean JESUS! These guys are 12! How hard can it be?!?! Ahem...I mean...perhaps a re-think is in order.

-- Crosby falls on contact (as usual), Malkin runs Emery, Roberts yaps off to everybody. We're gettin' spicy...and angry. But mostly spicy.

-- End of the 1st, 1-0 Sens. Momentum hangs in a precarious balance. And the Author needs to visit the rest room.

Enjoy the Don and we'll see you after the 2nd!

3rd Period -- In Which We Wish ThePensblog A Fond Adieu. Do Let Us Know When You Post Something Other Than "You're a FAG!"

-- 3rd underway, and the Feets are finished. They look finished, they feel finished. If it walks like a flightless bird...

-- Just noticed the graphic in the ice at Mellon. "Greatest Fans In Hockey!" Um...is that why there are suddenly a lot of empty seats in the lower bowl 7 minutes into the period? What, they're all up in Mario's box offering salary cap advice? Leafing through "Scenic Kansas City" brochures? What? Enquiring minds need to know!!

-- Millen bringing up an Ottawa choke job angainst the Feets during the regular season. Thanks. Thanks loads. Jerk.

-- A small piece of advice to the Greatest Fans In Hockey. When one of your boys falls down, you don't necessarily need to scream for a penalty. Sometimes...people just...fall down. I know! I had trouble with that too. It's o.k.

-- A-Train on Orpik! BEEEEAUTY! Orpik seems a little sore. Schubert in the box, don't know why, but p.p. for the Feets.

-- WHEEE!! Alffie levels Roberts! There's a NEW Order now old man! I find myself curiously aroused...

-- Rugby scrum in front of the Sens bench. Chris Neil chewing through the boards...Memories over how the Feets gooned it up on the Thursday before the playoffs are stirred. We may not be done after all.

-- Goal. Happy Feets. Crosby, sliding on his back. Have to admit, it's pretty. And in a few years he is going to be one dangerous hombre. But not tonight. Please God, not tonight, not again.

--4:30 to go. Crowd's awake again. Looks like the party in Mario's box has broken up.

-- Schubert creams Scuderi...it was questionable to say the least. Feets on the p.p., 3:00ish to go. We grow very very concerned.

-- Ooops. Should have known better than to listen to Bob Cole. Whitby gets two for going after Schu, so we're 4 on 4. Less concerned. Feets have pulled MAF.

-- Frantic around the Rayzor. Whistle with a minute ish to go. Malkin loses his freakin' head! Tsk-tsk. Such a temper in one so young. Philips and Malkin off on coincidentals. I'll take that trade.

-- Pittsburgh calls time out with 1:17 to go. My god, I swear if Sydney whined anymore than he does, people would start calling the SPCA over an abused animal.

-- AAAAAnd we're done. Game's over, Senators win (YAY!!), home ice is back where it belongs and all is well with the world. I'll absorb this win tonight, go spend some time with my beautiful wife and expound on the meaning of it all tomorrow. HUZZAH!! And Gary Roberts still SUCKS!

G'night!

1st Period...In Which John Muckler Begins To Re-Think The Month of March

-- 19:08 -- Guess who? 52 seconds in. Perfect. Followed by the 1st "Please do not throw anything on the ice" warning. You'd think the fans would be less...destructive, after going without the playoffs for so long. 1-0 Feets.

-- Emery looking a little shaky. Focus Ray...what would Mike Tyson do??

-- Well, hitting is picking up so at least there's that. I mean Roberts has gotta realize eventually that his 453 years old and self combust, right? Sooner or later, it has to happen, eh? RIGHT?!?!

-- 12:52 -- First Crosby whine to the referee. And I am further convinced that Ruutu is the illegitimate offspring of Diane Fossey and one of her "favourite" gorillas.

-- 12:22 -- First Ottawa powerplay. Mario is not amused. You really can't buy good help anymore.

-- One shot. One lousy shot on the PP. Nice to see brilliant coaching in action.

-- 8:35 -- Second Ottawa powerplay following a pretty good scramble in front of MAF. Ottawa bench furiously attempting to decline. Informed that this is not, in fact, a football game. 78 fans leave with Terrible Towels tucked between their legs.

-- Heatley cross-check to negate the pp. He was just demonstrating to his slower line mates, how body contact actually works. You know guys, you are allowed to hit somebody. Just sayin'...

-- Bullshit call on Fisher for "holding" on Recchi. Much whining from the Feets bench. "You Must Be THIS Old To Take This Dive". Hmmm...must have missed the sign.

-- GOALL!!! 1:56 to go!! Crash the net, MAF can't control the rebound, Preissing gets pushed in, howls of outrage from crowd. My humble advice? Read a rule book fucksticks. Oops...sorry, I promised my wife I'd be nice today... Tie game 1-1.

-- Phew. End of the 1st. Quick impressions? Sens weather the 1st 5 minutes of the Feets' natural high about playing at home. And again, for the rest of the period, the Feets do nothing to convince me they're the better team. That said, Emery still looks pretty shaky. Oh...and apparently, there are precisely zero hot women in Pittsburgh. C'mon Camera Dude! Get with it!

Don's comin' up, gettin all Canucklehead on your ass... See you after the second!

Now Then. Were There Any Questions?

For reasons beyond my control (but which will be revealed in the fullness of time…let’s just say there damn well better not be anymore Wednesday night games) I didn’t actually see the game last night. I did, however catch the highlights on SportsCentre and by all accounts, a thorough schooling was given to the Happy Feets.

Then there is this little exchange from a chat transcript posted on the Post-Gazette website:

Iceburgh: Considering the way Ottawa run at our guys all night - when it got to 6-1 why not take a major penalty or two, just to send a message that we aren't going to let them play like that the rest of the series?

Jerry Micco: Good question, Ice. Seems like if you're going to put a uniform on George Laraque, then late in the game is the time for him to hammer some people, which he did, but it was too little, too late. And it did show that the Pens are not the most physical team in the NHL. In the playoffs, that's a part of the game.

Without pointing out the relative grammatical failings of your average Feets fan, I fail to see how playing a physical game constitutes “run at our guys all night”. Or, perhaps, this only applies when the Feets are the ones dishing rather than taking?

Or maybe after watching Ruutu run around like the gutless fucking puke he is all season, they can’t recognize a clean hit when they see one. Yeah, my money’s on that one.

Ottawa Never Looks Back In 6-3 Win [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]

To Our New Friends At The Pensblog, A Fond Good Night

Finally tonight, I'd like to draw attention to the fine piece of PhotoShop the geniuses at The Pensblog have conjured:

Ordinarily I'd be a tad more outraged, but as it's a picture of the Detroit Red Wings limo Vlad Konstatinov was nearly killed in following the Wings win in 1997, and not a picture of Heatley's accident, I can let it slide.

Because, obviously, it was meant in light hearted jest, right? I mean anything that invokes a tragic car accident, whether or not someone was either permanently disabled or even killed in that accident couldn't possibly be in bad taste, could it? Nope, not at all. Buckle up Pittsburgh. And stay classy.

G'night!

From Those Who Should Know Better But Yet Insist On Being Mocked By A Monkey

Not sure yet if TSN is bringing back Maggie the Monkey or if they’ve relegated her to the same place Kerry Fraser’s hair went to retire but here’s a round up of learned opinions from around the hockey world about the Sens/Pens series…

“Sens/Pens”…Man, is THAT going to get old fast…

CBC: Lays natural Toronto bias aside and beseeches the Ratings Gods: Ottawa in 6.

FoxSports: Al Strachan, finally acknowledging that he is the love child of Don Cherry and Lester Patrick, picks Ottawa in 7

ESPN: Showing typical ESPN decisiveness, Scott Burnside says Ottawa in 5, while John Buccigross picks Flightless Birds in 6. Paul Martin smiles in approval.

Deadspin: The NHL has a team in Pittsburgh??

Five For Smiting: Sydney Crosby whines himself into Intensive Care and Gary Roberts finally comes to his senses and quits in the middle of game 3 to become a rodeo clown. Ottawa in 6

No Playoffs for Kerry [TSN.ca]

Now Then Where Were We? Ah Yes! Gentlemen, To Evil!

My original plan, hatched as it was in the moments of rage and confusion (and lots and LOTS of beer) following the last second loss to Snivelling Syd and Co. on Thursday night, was to start a board war with the first Penguin’s fan site that popped up on Google.

Sounded fan-freakin’-TASTIC! Best idea I’d had since I tried to make Crown Royal in the bathtub. That was, right up until the point when I realized that, in order for one to start a board war, one needs…well…boards. And friends. More specifically, one needs friends who know about one’s site AND who are willing to take up battle to preserve one’s board. Um…I have neither. There’s just me.

So I guess I’ll just have to settle for watching the series on CBC and emailing snide, and anonymous comments to these guys.

Come to think of it, the Crown in the tub thing didn’t work out all that hot either…

www.Thepensblog.blogspot.com

Why Yes, Now That You Mention It. I Do Believe It IS Go Time.

I wasn't going to do this tonight, I really wasn't. I had settled in to watch the Ottawa/Pittsburgh game with nothing but sugarplums and easter bunnies dancing in my head. First evening of a 4 day week-end. I had the beer. I had the snacks. I had the mellow. Honestly, I did.

I didn't expect to hate the Penguins as quickly as I have come to hate the Penguins. They seemed like such a nice group of young men, well Gary Roberts notwithstanding -- LEAFS SUCK!! (um, sorry, force of habit. More of a reflex really).

Anyway, they did seem nice, if a little immature. The teams would play tonight, the Senators would win, the first round of the playoffs would therefore be set and over the next three weeks, the Senators would kindly, yet sternly school the youngsters from the Steel City on playoff pain and disappointment in say...5 games. Sorry lads, nothing personal you understand. We have bigger things to do, better goalies to fry. Better luck next time, wot, wot, and firm, respectful handshakes all around.

Well all of that was before tonight's 1st period. Before Colby Armstrong attempted to take Emery's spleen out with a blatant charge. Before Christian Ruutu goaded Jason Spezza (Spezza!!) into 7 minutes of penalties with a flying elbow to the head in the corner, then dropping like the European soccer pussy he is when Spez bopped him with a well deserved shot to the schnozz. Before Snivelling Sydney Crosby gave Christoph Schubert a (unpenalized) cross-check to the kidneys after Schubert happened to touch His Tightness after a whistle. Oh yes, that was before all of that.

We are now about to go into the second period. I now officially hate the Pittsburgh Penguins. Messages will continue to be sent. Scores will be kept, and numbers will be taken. I will be back after the 2nd. I have an idea. An AWFUL idea. A WONDERFUL AWFUL idea.

Mother Mario Would Be Very Displeased

Sidney Crosby is a young man. A very young man. A very good hockey player…but a very young man. In fact, I believe the socks I am currently sporting are two months older than he is. And every once in a while, he reminds us just how young he is. To wit, his response following a minor on-ice tete-a-tete with Ottawa Head Coach Bryan Murray last week:

"If he wants to say that I'm disrespectful to him -- if he feels he wants to do that -- that's fine," Crosby said. "It's not right, but, if he wants to do that, so be it. I didn't speak to him until he started making gestures. But what I was saying was, 'Why are you looking at me?' There was absolutely no reason for him to be yelling at me."

Coach Murray, when asked to comment, resisted the logical rejoinder of “I know you are but WHAT AM I??” Mutterings of “Stupid little whippersnapper, dagnabbit” were overheard however.

For those of you not scoring at home, Crosby quickly gained a reputation during his rookie year as a whiny little brat who flopped to the ice like a pole axed weasel at the merest suggestion of contact. He’s been fairly quiet in that regard this season. Nature, however, abhors a vacuum. And Gary Roberts weeps quietly in a corner.

Penguins Notebook: Crosby gives his side of Murray spat [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]