Where Have You Been Young Man?

Well, if you must know...over here.

The rookie tournament is done. Training camp opened today. The first preseason game goes in less then 96 hours. 18 days and counting until the puck drops for real.

Oh mah word! Is it getting hot in heyah, or is it jus' little 'ole me?

Holy Crap, Is THAT What I Sound Like?

In what can only be described as a momentary lapse of reason, the fine gentlemen from Melt Your Face Off have invited your's truly to participate in a panel discussion on BlogTalk Radio, dealing with all things Goon.

Does the instigator rule suck as much as I've always said it does? Can the NHL afford themselves a return to the glory days of the "enforcers" and "policemen" at the risk of alienating potential new fans? Can it afford not to?

But wait! There's more! Also joining the MYFO all star list of editors will be HF33, of the ever brilliant Four Habs Fans.

The show starts at 9:00pm tonight. So join us here, won't you? Just listen, or better yet, call-in, if only to tell me I'm an idiot.

Oh, glorious interweb. Is there nothing you can't do?
p.s.: If you missed the live show, BlogTalk will have it available in their archives. Or so I'm told. Then again, after my performance, they might just choose to burn the tapes.

Larry Tanenbaum Can’t Get Anyone To Return His Calls

As most of you may know by now, the deliciously dysfunctional Maple Leafs Sports & Entertainment Ltd., owners of our favorite punching bags, has been trying to recruit a “mentor” for their beleaguered General Manager, John Ferguson Jr. This came as a bit of a surprise to JFJ himself when the news hit the papers a few weeks back, but ever the company man, he completely accepted it with the humility and grace which befits such a huge vote of confidence from one’s employer. That was then. Now it would appear that MLSE has “reconsidered”:

Efforts to woo an advisor/mentor for Maple Leafs general manager John Ferguson Jr. have temporarily been shoved to the backburner by Maple Leafs Sports & Entertainment Ltd.

No reason was given (yet), but the prospect of working for such a well-run organization with a rich and storied history and bright future was so attractive that Scotty Bowman turned them down flat. Dan Poile was also offered the job, but reluctantly refused in order to stay in…Hamilton Kansas City Nashville. Also interviewed for the job were former Bruins GM Harry Sinden and our very own John Muckler. Unfortunately, they were both judged unsuitable after Sinden tried to lift Richard Peddie’s wallet and Mucks spent the entire interview talking to the potted fern in the corner.

I bring this up for a couple/three reasons. First, I never, EVER pass up an opportunity to mock Toronto. Second, I needed something to segue smoothly to Kid Canada’s eloquent yet ultimately futile defence of the Leafs on Melt Your Face Off.

Thirdly? The prospect of another sad-sack Leaf season doesn’t hold the same pleasure for me anymore. I’ve come to the realization that no amount of misery will shake Leafs Nation out of their myopia and arrogance. The Harold Ballard Years created an entire generation of pavlovian fans who will happily continue to shovel money by the bucket full into the gaping maw of whoever, or whatever, owns the team.

So, I actually want the Leafs to get better. The rivalry has gotten boring (“Oh, we’re playing Toronto tonight? Umm…in the…face??”), and after the rape and pillage of the Sabres effectively gave us the Division, there’s nobody around here to hate. I miss that.

Your mission JFJ: get better, make the playoffs and play the Senators. That way we can remind ourselves why we don’t like your team and the slack-jawed troglodytes that make up 80% of your fan base.

On top of that, we’d be happy to remind you that this year marks the 40th anniversary of…well, you know.

Maple Leafs Halt Mentor Search [Fan Nation]
Why My Team Is Better Than Your Team: THE Toronto Maple Leafs [Melt Your Face Off]

UPDATE: Taking a look at my site meter today I noticed a new IP address I hadn't seen before. Upon further investigation (well, I just clicked on it really) it turns out that the computer is registered to...wait for it...Maple Leafs Sports & Entertainment! Hi Larry! But, um, if I may be so bold, for a man with your responsibilities Googling yourself is rather unseemly, don't you think?

Hark! Is This A New Blog I See Before Me? Be Afraid Gary. Be Very Very Afraid

Emerging from the anarchic depths of riotous synergy that is the Deadspin commenter family (a family I am proud to be able to call myself a member of...playing the part of the alcoholic second cousin nobody wants to discuss but who shows up every Christmas to drink your good scotch and grope your wife...but only if she's hot), comes the latest battalion in Will Leitch's attempt to take over the interwebs. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce Melt Your Face-Off.

To call them a Deadspin spin-off would not only do a gross disservice to the founders, but would also give more credit to Deadspin (and by extension, parent Gawker Media) than it deserves, for as much as Will has become the King of The Sports Blogs, and beloved by legions of knowledgeably smart-ass sports fans the world over, his site's coverage of hockey kind of...well...blows.

But what wonders he has wrought! From KSK to DeadOn to Ladies... and now to Melt Your Face-Off, the like minds that gather daily (and nightly) under cover of his nurturing snark have found each other, said "Hey let's start a blog about this" and, as a group, have produced some of the finest ways to spend an entire day in a cubicle without actually producing anything of note other than carpel tunnel and an ability to laugh until coffee comes shooting through your nose.

The site is six days old now, so by all means, pop in and say Hello. If we act fast enough, we might be able to convince them that the Leafs aren't an actual professional team and hence, should be banished from all discussion for reasons of health and sanity.

Now where the hell is that scotch?