Monday, May 19, 2008

The Bryan Cares Not For Nature's Abhorence Of Vacuums -- Part 1: The Interviews

Many names have popped up in connection with the Senators' Head Coaching vacancy of late, some surprising, some not, some terrifying and others the obvious byproduct of someone's alcohol fueled imaginings (Paul Maurice? Really?). However, as the Cone Of Silence seems to have once again descended over 1000 Palladium Drive, we are left with little more than speculation and rumour as to how The Bryan intends to fill that vacancy (before the draft!, as soon as possible! quick!...eventually!) and with whom. Which of course're in my wheelhouse now, baby.

Through a combination of luck, guile, booze and a few of those funny smelling plants we found in Grandma's herb garden, we here at Five For Smiting have managed to infiltrate the throbbing heart of the Ottawa Senators organization. Join us now as we travel to The Bryan's underground bunker deep beneath ScotiaBank Place. Many stick boys have died to bring us this information.

Today: The Interview--Elimination Round.

The Bryan: "Good evening all, and welcome. You may remove your blindfolds. I trust the cavity searches weren't too uncomfortable? Good, good. We can never be too careful to keep our discussions here in utmost confidence, you understand. The media, and their bastard offspring *shudder* bloggers, are everywhere. Please also allow me to apologize for strapping you into your chairs. The reason for this slight inconvenience will become clear shortly. Now then, allow me to introduce the other members of our search committee. To my left, El Presidente For Life, Roy Mlakar. Say hi Roy.

Roy Mlakar: "Gooot eeeeevenink..."

The Bryan: "Roy is here as penance for his signing off on that rather ill received Spartan Warrior intro before Game 3 last month, aren't you Roy? Yes, yes you are. Shame, Roy! I want to see shame!! There. That's a good boy. And to my right, I have the great honour of introducing our Tremendous Leader, Emperor Eugene. You will address him as either "Your Omnipotence" or "Mister Magnificent". Please do NOT gaze directly upon his visage."

Randy Cunneyworth: "What? That's crap! If I'm gonna work for somebody I'm at least gonna know what he looks li--AAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!! IT BURNS!!!!! OH GOD!!!!!!!"

The Bryan: "Hmmm...most unfortunate. Randy was in our top three. Don't worry gentlemen, the smoke will clear shortly. In the meantime, Eli here will dispose of the corpse. Eli? Would you be so kind? Thank you.

"Now then. To business. Each of you have been brought here because we think that you are among those best suited to taking over as Head Coach thus restoring the glory of a talented franchise that has somewhat, admittedly, lost its way. To that end, we have devised a single question which will be posed to the ten of...oops, my the nine of you in turn. The top three candidates, as judged by our little panel here, will move on to a second, more in depth interview in the coming days. The remaining six will disappear forever into the Alexander Daigle Pit Of Eternal Irrelevance, through the trap doors beneath your chairs, there to be digested slowly over a thousand years in the stomach acids of Steve Simmons. Hence the restraints."

"Now, before we begin, are there any questions? No? Really? Nothing along the lines of "Are you crazy??", or "Has Gary okayed this?", or even my favourite..."You'll never get away with this Bryan!!" Really? Well, then, I'll just have to demonstrate by pressing this button. Goodbye Mr. Maurice."

Paul Maurice: "AAAAAAAHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh craaap..."

The Bryan: There, now that you know we're serious, here is the question for the remaining eight of you: How would you have handled the small bit of unpleasantness that was last year's Ray Emery Situation? I'll begin with you, Mr. Wilson."

Ron Wilson: "His behaviour was obviously the result of a hyper inflated ego. And since there isn't enough room in the dressing room for more than one of those, my innate sense of entitlement, not to mention my natural genius for these things would have --AAAAAAAAHHHHHHRRRRGHHHH..."

The Bryan: "Guh. In all honesty gentlemen, I never had any intention of hiring that blowhard. I just needed a reason to get him here. THAT'S PAYBACK FOR THAT LINE BRAWL THREE YEARS AGO, BITCH!! Ahem, yes. Well. Moving on. How about you, Mr. Burns?"

Pat Burns: "Er...well...Ray had obviously become a problem before the season had even begun, so I would have pulled him aside in training camp and set out exactly what I expected of him and what the consequences would be if he failed to live up to those expectations. I would have sent him down to the minors."

The Bryan: "Excellent answer Mr. Burns! Truly excellent. Barring something better from the rest of the candidates, I believe I can speak for the panel when I say congratulations! You've made it through! Mr. Quenneville?"

Joel Quenneville: "Well as you know, Mr. Murray, I've always been of the opinion that if you treat your players with respect, as adults, then they would return the favour. With Ray, a little heart-to-heart would have, I think..."

The Bryan: Moving finger toward button...

Joel Quenneville: "SENT HIM DOWN!! I WOULD HAVE SENT HIM DOWN!! Please...please don't..." *sobbing*

The Bryan: "Hmmm...Such quick reflexes. I admire a man who can toady under duress. You can stay. Now then., is it? Mr. Dineen."

Kevin Dineen: "No way would I have allowed that shit to go on. Just like I've told all of my AHL players, NOBODY is bigger than--"

The Bryan: "I'm sorry. Did you say AHL players?"

Kevin Dineen: "Um...yeah. AHL players."

The Bryan: "So you have no experience coaching big leaguers who make more money in a year than you'll see in a lifetime? Who may see you as someone...shall we say...less important?"

Kevin Dineen: "Er, not as such."

The Bryan: "Oh, I'm terribly sorry."


The Bryan: "Such promise snuffed out so prematurely. Pity really. Mr. Tortorella?"

John Tortorella: "Fucking goalies. Head cases every fucking one. Who the hell needs them, I say! Just grab any crazy bastard off the str-- AAAAAAAHHHHHHHRRRRRGGGGHHHH... "

Roy Mlakar: "Um...Bryan? Torts was still technically under contract with Tampa. They're going to want him back. Or at least know where he is..."

The Bryan: "Pffft...they don't care. It's freakin' Florida! What do they know? I just did them a favour. Next! Mister....Hartsburg. You're up."

Craig Hartsburg: "Well, the question of what to do with a recalcitrant player is a complex one that -- AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhh...."

The Bryan: "What the hell?? What happened??"

Roy Mlakar: "Ooops. Sorry Bry. I was reaching for another cruller and I must have hit the button by mistake. My bad."

The Bryan: "Oh for the love wonder we have to kidnap candidates, instead of say...just ASK them. *sigh* Okay, who's next. Quinn?"

Pat Quinn: "The mistake you guys made was not cutting his ass the second he started slacking in practice. You sent a message to the rest of those overpaid prima donnas that half-assing it was okay. When I was in Toronto--"

The Bryan: "Oooo...sorry, Pat. That's just not going to fly with our fans. Beat us four straight times in the playoffs. Sorry about--"

Emperor Eugene (eyes glowing from beneath his black cowl): "WAIT!"

The Bryan: "Yes...My Lord?"

Emperor Eugene: "The...Quinn...Will...Stay."

The Bryan: "As you wish My Lord. So...that makes three. Mr. Burns, Mr. Quenneville and Mr. Quinn. A fine crop indeed. I look forward to the second part of this process. In the meantime, please allow me to treat you all to dinner, won't you? Come gentlemen! While The Emperor retreats to his regeneration chamber, we can amuse ourselves by having Eli here stumble around drunkenly for our enjoyment! Roy, get the lights on the way out, will you?"

*sounds of laughter from down the hall...fading...gone*

Bob Hartley: "Hello? Anybody?? I'd like to get out of these straps please. Anyone? My water dish is empty! I gotta pee..."

So there you are Sens fans. The search for our next coach is well and truly underway! Stay tuned for Part 2, as we crown the winner! Coming tomorrow! Or maybe Wednesday. Um...possibly this week. Whenever we, you know...get around to it.


Jaredoflondon said...

Isn't NHL slasher fan-fic fun to write?

Senators Lost Cojones said...

Absolutely, Jared! Wait 'til you see what I do with Quinn.