I Can Haz Ur Captain? How To Win Friends And Stick A Dagger Into The Back Of Your Archenemy

One of the more bizarre reasons being floated around this here series of tubes about why the Sens should hire Pat Quinn as Head Coach is that, in so doing, it will somehow exact some kind of revenge on the Laffs. This affront, the theory goes, will no doubt prompt legions of Leaf fans to drag themselves out of their beer and nacho induced stupors long enough to howl incoherently in impotent fury over the fact that their archenemy somehow stole the best coach they've known since Punch Imlach spent the late Sixties begging Dave Keon to touch his "fedora".

It's an interesting theory (and as Sens fans we have a sworn duty to listen to any and all ideas with an end goal of driving Laff Nation batshit), but when you consider that Patty was basically run out of town on a rail almost three years (and one coach and two GMs) ago for missing the playoffs, it tends to fall apart.

So that may not work the way we'd like. But this sure as hell would:

Mats Sundin raised some eyebrows when he hinted playing for the Toronto Maple Leafs wasn't his only option for next season. The Leafs captain, who accepted the Mark Messier Leadership Award on Wednesday, is an unrestricted free agent July 1.

Now, as many of us gleefully recall, Mats was the key member of the Geritol Cabal who all but sealed JFJ's fate when they refused to waive their no-trade clauses back in February. And now, after denying the Leafs the chance to rebuild, is talking about walking out, leaving the Laffs with nothing but broken hearts, and the fetid stink of eternal crapulence. I like the cut of your jib, son!

Of course, this may all be just a negotiating ploy on the part of the Sundin camp to try and squeeze MLSE for everything they can get, and that he really has no intention of going anywhere (Cliff "Get The Hell Off My Lawn!" Fletcher has announced that he'll be talking to Sundin in a couple of days...or when somebody finds his teeth. Whichever comes first). But if it isn't...

Make this happen Bryan. All it will cost you is a phone call...and roughly 7 to 8 million dollars. Or to put it another way, roughly the same amount you're saving by whacking Redden and Emery from the books. How convenient!

Sure it may not work out. These things rarely do. But if we can't win the Cup next year, please give us, at the very least, the consolation prize of hearing the ACC crowd boo a different Swede for a change. That is if they can stop crying into their beer long enough to do it.

Sundin: Leafs Just One Of Many Options For Next Season [TSN.ca]

Sens 4, Happy Feets 3(OT): Message To Heirs Presumptive -- Get The Hell Off My Lawn!

Finally. We finally showed some intestinal fortitude, some gumption, some...balls. It wasn't pretty, but we did it. We peered into the dark abyss that is fifth place in the Eastern Conference, and with one voice, exclaimed unto the heavens and to the omnipotent and benevolent Hockey Gods gathered therein "Fuck this shit".

The Highs:

• Zoinks! Score one for those meddling kids: Despite the CBC's willful ignorance (The Captain? First Star? Really? Were we watching the same game?) Schubeedoo was clearly the best Senator on the ice. And by "best" I mean "the only one who actually looked like he gave a crap for the first thirty minutes of the game". He skated hard, finished his checks and did his best to be a royal pain in the ass for Malkin and Co. In short, he's everything I should want in a son. However, a small word of advice Christoph, if I may. In future, please refrain from physically striking an opponent when said opponent is two feet off the boards and has his back turned to you. It's not very nice. Unless, of course, said opponent happens to be wearing blue and white...and the number 16. Then by all means...Giddy. Up.

• Wow. That must have been one hell of a slump buster: Okay Heater, you can loosen that grip now. You got your deuce. And only 20 to go until you hit your third consecutive 50! Isn't that great? Oh, and thanks for playing some pretty solid D too. Maybe you can pull Jason aside and have a little...um...talk. 'Cause that would be great!

The Lows:

• Where's Dave Hodge when you need him?: While it wasn't exactly on the level of preempting an overtime game so Auntie Mabel in Moose Jaw wouldn't miss Peter Mansbridge and the report on wheat futures, I'm just a little peeved by CBC's decision to stick with the extra ends of the Scotties' semi final (that's the Canadian Women's Curling Championship to all of my American friends. The Dave Hodge thing? It's a long story) rather than cut to the game, at least in the Ottawa market. In an age where almost everyone has access to multiple feeds of the same channel, the hardcore rock heads could easily have switched to, say, the Halifax feed. Look, I like curling. I do. In fact, I'll make it a point to watch tomorrow's final, even if the women don't wear those sexy sexy kilts anymore. And sure, it was only the first five minutes, but if you've watched any Senators games over the last month or so, those first five minutes are usually the only time you'll actually see them play hockey.

• Even the Deathstar had a fatal weakness: Psssst...Ray. Not sure if you've heard, but teams seem to have figured out how to beat you. Sykora certainly went to school on you. A word of advice? If your blocker hand is bothering you, and the bad goals along with the multiple completely butchered attempts at handling the puck would seem to indicate it is, now is the time to tell Teflon, and not...say April...when your tough guy act could cost us a Cup. Again.

Creamy Middle:

This game was like getting laid on Prom night. Without a lot of luck (and in my case, a whole lot of booze), it wasn't going to happen. While we should be ecstatic about coming back from 3 goals down, we should also feel slightly dirty about how it happened. Not that I'm turning my nose at the two points (two points that keep us in first place, at least for another day) , but I'm not going to fly into orgasmic flights of fancy and declare an end to our now three month old "slump". We still have too many passengers (Fish...man. I'm hurting here dude) or beat up superstars (Alfie? How's that hip buddy?) to feel all that confident going into the stretch run. Then again, The Deadline is Tuesday. Everything could change between now and then. Apropos of nothing, what's Swedish for "Welcome to Ottawa, former Toronto Maple Leaf captain?"

Up Next:

Well, looky here. The Formerly Evil But Now Mostly Pathetic Empire that is Leafs Nation makes a visit to the Bank on Monday night. It just so happens to be the night before the trade deadline. This may be a first, sports fans. Sportsnet will pay more attention to who isn't playing than to who is. Okay...it wouldn't be the first time. But a least this time, it's on purpose.

Behind Enemy Lines: Round up the usual suspects. I'll be hanging out on the BoO game thread, doing my bit to rile Muppet into a consonant and ampersand heavy rant, but I'd also like to point you to Bitter Leaf Fan. Just the right amount of hope mixed with exasperation and futility, don't you think?

And Bryan Dies A Little More Inside

Peter Forsberg is not coming back to the NHL this season.

Or at least it's highly unlikely, according to his agent, Don Baizley.

"The prospect of Peter having enough confidence in the foot-skate issue to commit to being able to play in the NHL this season isn't where it needs to be at this moment," Baizley told TSN. "As a result, teams are being told it is unlikely he will be able to commit to return to the NHL this season."

You know, if it weren't for the beautiful cities, awe inspiring scenery, fjords, first class health care system, incredibly responsive social programs and insanely hot women, Sweden would have a hell of a lot to answer for.

So...looks like we'll have to go to Plan B. Anybody else know where I can find a gifted Swedish scorer with unimpeachable leadership skills, currently mired on a last place team and in the twilight of his career who deserves one last shot at a title? Anybody? Anybody at all?

Forsberg likely won't return this year [TSN]