Game 14: Sens 5, Latest Victims 1 -- The Creamy Middle

In thoughtful response to my guest appearance over at Pension Plan Puppets, witty and erudite commenter, LeoSC saw fit to post the following: "just wait till tonight!". Um...Leo? I'm still waiting. Leo? You there? Hello! Is this thing on?

The Highs:

• Does this mean we have to play the rest of our games at the Hockey Hall of Fame?: 13-1 and proud holders of a new league record! Now there's been some crazy talk around these here interwebs that this year's Sens team may equal, or even surpass the all time win record set by the 1976 Montreal Canadiens. That team lost all of eight games on route to a 136 point season. With a clear head, and unimpeachable logic, I will endeavour to expound on this in a future post, but for now ladies and gentlemen, allow me to state the following with neither qualm nor reservation: IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN SO EVERYBODY SHOULD JUST CALM THE FUCK DOWN! Thank you. As you were.
  


• Ladies and Gentlemen, Vessa has left the building: For those of us not fortunate enough to have erased the memory engrams through the self-administration of enormous quantities of alcohol, watching Vessa Toskala skulk to the bench after having given up his 4th goal on 12 shots was sweet indeed. The days of manhandling a vastly inferior Leaf team only to have guys like Belfour and Joseph stand on their heads and beat us seem to have been relegated to the dustbin of history, right next to Gary Roberts' ghost and Mats Sundin's dignity.
  


• Look up. Look waaaaaaaay up: I get to use the picture you see above. I think I'll have that airbrushed on the hood of my car, 70's poon-van style. All it needs is a buxom, leather-clad Amazonian warrior princess holding a white tiger on a chain.

The Lows:

• Hey, why is your picture on a milk carton?: Memo to Joe Corvo. Please observe the gigantic contracts being signed all about you. Now calculate the impact of those signings vis-a-vis the salary cap in the coming years. Next, examine your own salary in relation to said cap. Finally, review the level of your own play in the first 14 games. Please ensure personal affairs are in order for a late February departure.



• Sleep Mercy is for the weak, Abu!: Did Troy ease up on Athens? Hell no. Did Nelson turn to the Spanish at Trafalgar and say, "Oh dear. Terribly sorry old man. Sherry?" No fucking way! They not only defeated their enemies, but they crushed them, ground their bones into dust and displayed the eviscerated corpses as a warning to others that "WE ARE NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH!" In short, they removed the very will to exist from those enemies, their families and their countrymen. So, remind me again Coach P., exactly why we got off the gas after the 4-0 goal?



• Your shower Bubba ain't gonna take to kindly to that: Hey Mark! That was a classy piece of work there, suckering Chris Neil with under a minute to go and then running behind the linesman. Noticed you had your gloves on too. Very nice. But a word of caution: Your "friends" out in the yard, 155 days hence, probably won't view that as very heroic. Fellow inmates can be bitches that way.

The Creamy Middle: While I could go on ad infinitum about the sweetness of last night's humiliation, I'll let ESPN (tWWL for you Deadspinners) take it home:

The Senators improved to 15-2-2 in their last 19 games against their provincial rivals, including wins on consecutive nights to begin the season.

Oh, and as a final shout-out to my friend LeoSC, in response to your cutting analysis that "The bully will still beat the shit out of you, just wait till spring!", I can only add...No. Not so much.

Up Next: The Caps come a callin' at the Bank tomorrow night. While "Battle of the Nation's Capitals!" doesn't have quite the same ring to it, at least it promises to be more of a challenge. They've got this Russian kid you see. I hear he's pretty good.

Senators win eighth straight, off to best start in NHL history [ESPN.com]

Sens Nation Is Intrigued By Your Ideas And Wishes To Subscribe To Your Newsletter

It’s always nice when extremely large, impersonal media conglomerates try to reach out and touch us, the little people. It reassures us that they do not, in fact, see us as mindless, doughy, couch dwelling content sponges to whom they will sell as much useless crap as they think we can safely stomach, but as mindless, doughy, couch dwelling content sponges who can be seduced by a token gesture of “caring” so that they can continue to sell as much useless crap they think we can safely stomach.

With the explosion of the blogosphere over the last few years, many meetings of very important people took place in very posh boardrooms in many of these media companies. Highly meaningful and powerful words like “synergy”, “interactivity”, “empowerment”, “going forward” and “compuglobalhypermeganet” were tossed about like confetti. The good china was used to serve the coffee. Fresh blintzes were devoured by the truckload. And eventually, a group of very old white guys reached a consensus. In a revolutionary leap of intuitive foresight, these companies, these “hip”, “with-it”, “cutting edge” people announced that, having discovered the Internet the previous fall, their respective on-line content would be made available for comment!

And thus, they threw open their hitherto bolted and shackled web pages to the great unwashed! Now, anyone with a keyboard, an opinion and oposable thumbs WOULD BE HEARD!

Well, the results are in, and by all accounts, it seems Darwin might have been onto something after all. But by gawd, it is hysterical.

Between games/rounds/figure skating exhibitions I’ve been amusing myself by perusing the comment sections at CBC.ca and under the various playoff blog entries at Sports Illustrated. And as you can see from the small but frightfully representative sampling below (all real, I should note. Honest. Look ‘em up!), this is going about as well as you could expect (and BTW, if you want a pee-your-pants, gut-bustingly funny illustration of how corporate entities can get this disastrously wrong, check this out).

Behold Totally In Touch CEOs, your public!

First up, a gentle soul from the genus Idiotus Innebriae who should probably try to avoid using heavy machinery for a while. Please note the spelling and grammar errors, used to denote passion, individuality and a lack of motor control. The total absence of capitalization as well as the innovative sentence structure evoke the brilliant poet e.e. cummings as a toddler.

From Anonymous

i jsut dont know why people like lindy ruff...hes like the biggest idiot there ishe thinks the gam should be called his way, and gets all crazy when he doesnt aggree with calles... like really dude.. you suck......THers noone on that team that i hate more than the coach, as a matter of fact... i only like 2 players o nthat team... Vanek and Afinogenov...

Next, we have an excellent representative from the Oldbiddymat Sanctimonii, a people characterized most readily by their lightning quick ability to phone the police at the first sign of a neighbourhood street hockey game and the possession of an inordinate number of cats:

From Barbara Courtney

I was shocked to see Emery's total lack of respect for the singing of "Oh Canada". Bending over into his goal net, before they had even finished.
I've never seen any player behave so poorly during the playing of any National Anthem!
This is NOT a good example of a Role Model.
Please STAND TALL and show some RESPECT!!! Thank-you.

Thirdly we have Overbearingum Poseuriae of the sub-genus herbtarlekus. These last are most easily identifiable by their ill fitting plumage made primarily of multi-coloured polyester and their penchant for TALKING REALLY LOUDLY ALL THE TIME in order to garner attention:

From: denny cash

WOW! NOT A GREAT WAY TO START A SERIES. THE 1ST PERIOD WAS (I HOPE) A FLUKE. THE SENS HAVE A HIGH POWERED OFFENCE, BUT NOT HIGH ENOUGH TO DO THAT TO THE GREATEST NET MINDER IN THE HISTORY OF THE GAME AGAIN. DEVILS IN 6!!!

And finally, an exciting new discovery. Scientists have yet to classify this particular exemplar. However, initial studies indicate this may be a new example of the migratory Articulus Leafae, an elusive, fickle genre thought to have passed into extinction. The last known sighting was recorded just outside of Toronto in the late spring of 1967.

From: Anonymous

DUCKERZZZ IS GOING DOWWWWN!!!1!! Big TIME!!!! SENATERZZZ IZ ComiNG BACK TO PWNNNNONGGEE BIG TIMEZ!!! BOOO_YEEEHHHH!1!!!11!!

So there you have it, the democratization of cyber space. I for one could not be happier and wish to thank those Wise Elders who made it possible and without whom an enormous sub-species of Homo erectus would be left without a voice.

To you, gentlemen, I offer a heartfelt PWNNNNONGGEE BIG TIMEZ indeed.

CBC.ca Your Views [CBC.ca]
SI Blogs – Lessons From Game 2 [SI.com]

The Day ESPN.Com Stood Still [Deadspin]