Friday, June 1, 2007

Sens Nation Is Intrigued By Your Ideas And Wishes To Subscribe To Your Newsletter


It’s always nice when extremely large, impersonal media conglomerates try to reach out and touch us, the little people. It reassures us that they do not, in fact, see us as mindless, doughy, couch dwelling content sponges to whom they will sell as much useless crap as they think we can safely stomach, but as mindless, doughy, couch dwelling content sponges who can be seduced by a token gesture of “caring” so that they can continue to sell as much useless crap they think we can safely stomach.

With the explosion of the blogosphere over the last few years, many meetings of very important people took place in very posh boardrooms in many of these media companies. Highly meaningful and powerful words like “synergy”, “interactivity”, “empowerment”, “going forward” and “compuglobalhypermeganet” were tossed about like confetti. The good china was used to serve the coffee. Fresh blintzes were devoured by the truckload. And eventually, a group of very old white guys reached a consensus. In a revolutionary leap of intuitive foresight, these companies, these “hip”, “with-it”, “cutting edge” people announced that, having discovered the Internet the previous fall, their respective on-line content would be made available for comment!

And thus, they threw open their hitherto bolted and shackled web pages to the great unwashed! Now, anyone with a keyboard, an opinion and oposable thumbs WOULD BE HEARD!

Well, the results are in, and by all accounts, it seems Darwin might have been onto something after all. But by gawd, it is hysterical.

Between games/rounds/figure skating exhibitions I’ve been amusing myself by perusing the comment sections at CBC.ca and under the various playoff blog entries at Sports Illustrated. And as you can see from the small but frightfully representative sampling below (all real, I should note. Honest. Look ‘em up!), this is going about as well as you could expect (and BTW, if you want a pee-your-pants, gut-bustingly funny illustration of how corporate entities can get this disastrously wrong, check this out).

Behold Totally In Touch CEOs, your public!

First up, a gentle soul from the genus Idiotus Innebriae who should probably try to avoid using heavy machinery for a while. Please note the spelling and grammar errors, used to denote passion, individuality and a lack of motor control. The total absence of capitalization as well as the innovative sentence structure evoke the brilliant poet e.e. cummings as a toddler.

From Anonymous

i jsut dont know why people like lindy ruff...hes like the biggest idiot there ishe thinks the gam should be called his way, and gets all crazy when he doesnt aggree with calles... like really dude.. you suck......THers noone on that team that i hate more than the coach, as a matter of fact... i only like 2 players o nthat team... Vanek and Afinogenov...

Next, we have an excellent representative from the Oldbiddymat Sanctimonii, a people characterized most readily by their lightning quick ability to phone the police at the first sign of a neighbourhood street hockey game and the possession of an inordinate number of cats:

From Barbara Courtney

I was shocked to see Emery's total lack of respect for the singing of "Oh Canada". Bending over into his goal net, before they had even finished.
I've never seen any player behave so poorly during the playing of any National Anthem!
This is NOT a good example of a Role Model.
Please STAND TALL and show some RESPECT!!! Thank-you.

Thirdly we have Overbearingum Poseuriae of the sub-genus herbtarlekus. These last are most easily identifiable by their ill fitting plumage made primarily of multi-coloured polyester and their penchant for TALKING REALLY LOUDLY ALL THE TIME in order to garner attention:

From: denny cash

WOW! NOT A GREAT WAY TO START A SERIES. THE 1ST PERIOD WAS (I HOPE) A FLUKE. THE SENS HAVE A HIGH POWERED OFFENCE, BUT NOT HIGH ENOUGH TO DO THAT TO THE GREATEST NET MINDER IN THE HISTORY OF THE GAME AGAIN. DEVILS IN 6!!!


And finally, an exciting new discovery. Scientists have yet to classify this particular exemplar. However, initial studies indicate this may be a new example of the migratory Articulus Leafae, an elusive, fickle genre thought to have passed into extinction. The last known sighting was recorded just outside of Toronto in the late spring of 1967.

From: Anonymous

DUCKERZZZ IS GOING DOWWWWN!!!1!! Big TIME!!!! SENATERZZZ IZ ComiNG BACK TO PWNNNNONGGEE BIG TIMEZ!!! BOOO_YEEEHHHH!1!!!11!!

So there you have it, the democratization of cyber space. I for one could not be happier and wish to thank those Wise Elders who made it possible and without whom an enormous sub-species of Homo erectus would be left without a voice.

To you, gentlemen, I offer a heartfelt PWNNNNONGGEE BIG TIMEZ indeed.

CBC.ca Your Views [CBC.ca]
SI Blogs – Lessons From Game 2 [SI.com]

3 comments:

KMS2 said...

I like how the first example has a ton of grammar mistakes and misspelled words, yet still correctly spells Afinogenov.

Twitch said...

I hadn't caught that. That's hilarious! I guess it's true. Even a blind squirrel finds an acorn every once in a while.

Winstrol said...

The analysis sounds very fresh!