Thursday, June 14, 2007

Hey Yash, What's That Smell?

As I gradually emerged from my self-imposed hiatus, refreshed, rejuvenated and with a markedly higher tolerance for alcohol, I began to scan NHL headlines searching for a post subject worthy of being the first out of the chute following that bit of unpleasantness in California.

The Daffys parade in a parking lot before an adoring "crowd" that was even smaller than the average Anaheim season gate? Too easy. And way too infuriating. How about the annual "Who should we keep/sign/have strung up?" debate currently swirling around the more serious interwebs? Too much work. Okay then... how about Canada's own serial poacher Jim "Don't blame me for the crackberry" Baisillie's (second) not so subtle attempt to piss off the Leafs? Close, but not quite.

Then what to my wondering eyes should appear but the delusional stylings of one Mister Mark Gandler, and his favourite tiny reindeer.

Now this particular reindeer tore up three perfectly good contracts with the Senators. This reindeer held out on the Senators twice, once for an entire season. This reindeer was indifferent at best from October to April, and vanished without a trace once the playoffs started and his paycheques stopped coming. This reindeer was run out of town on a rail (while unwittingly helping us to absolutely sodomize the Islanders, true...but still) by most right-thinking Senators fans. And now this reindeer...wants to play here...again.

Said Mark Gandler, Yashin's New Jersey-based agent, yesterday: "It would be sweet (for him) to come back and help Ottawa (win the Stanley Cup) ... (and) restore relationships he had there. It would be a movie-like type of return."

Which movie Gandler may be referring to could be a matter of some delightful debate (Saw and Texas Chainsaw Massacre are my leading candidates), and we all know that this will never, ever happen*.

I'm sure I speak for a majority of the Sens Army when I offer a hearty THANK YOU to the great Mistress Karma for this gift. But in the spirit of compassion and caring, Alexei, we wish you only the best, and offer you the helpful suggestion that there are other leagues in dire need of petulant man-children. Just remember they drive on the left and you'll be fine.

Then again, as an overrated Russian who's way past his prime and whom Ottawa fans loathe to the core of their beings, don't be surprised if you get a call from the Leafs.

*Note to Mucks: If this does happen, I will personally soak all of my Senators gear in the urine of a thousand goats and pile it on your desk. With you under it. Just so we're clear.

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