Wednesday, December 17, 2008

How Much Is That Doggie In The Window? A Lot Cheaper Than You'd Think


Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. On behalf of Mr. Mousebat, I would like to welcome you to Mousebat, Follicle, Goosecreature, Ampersand, Spong, Wapcaplet, Looseliver, Vendetta and Prang Auction House and Bordello.

As stated on your invitation, we are here to dispose of the superfluous horseflesh of one Mr. E. Melnyk, entrepreneur, sportsman, equine enthusiast and general bon vivant. Upon satisfactory inspection of the individual lots, you will be invited to place your bids in the space provided below, subject, of course to the stated reserve price*.

Let's get on with it then, shall we? I'm sure we all have better things to do. Like DYI appendectomies, for instance.

Lot #5: Our first item is an exquisite example of the classical Bavarian workhorse. Note the strong thighs, robust upper body, and broad shoulders. Can be skittish if disgruntled, but a firm hand at the whip in combination with a rigidly repetitive training regimen (this particular breed is not noted for its intelligence) will produce a solid addition to any plow team.

Reserve:
Third round draft pick.

Lot #12: The only true thoroughbred among this evening's offerings, this gelding has speed to spare. Utterly loyal and completely fearless, his work ethic is beyond reproach and matched only by his baffling inability to accomplish anything despite his willingness to die in the attempt. While he has pulled up lame on occasion, he has never failed to recover...given enough time. All that is required to keep him content is an ample supply of good oats, and sufficient opportunity to distribute Gideon Bibles to inner city orphans.

Reserve:
Prospect not born in Russia AND second round draft pick.

Lot #20: Like all Lippenzaners, he is beautiful (note the rippling chest and impressive leg definiton), and highly trainable, given the proper voltage. He is also somewhat delicate. Smaller than most specimens of his breed, his lack of relative size is more than made up for by the grace of his canter. While it is unlikely he will ever fulfill his considerable potential, he would be a fine addition to any stable, if for no other reason than his ability to excite brooding mares.

Reserve:
Second round draft pick.

Lot #25: While perhaps not the most magnificent of creatures, this cross breed will surprise and delight any prospective owner. Combining the strength and persistence of the Clydesdale with the stubborness of the North American Jackass, he will require a firm hand to ensure proper behaviour and the patience to instill obedience. A new master must be prepared to repeat training sessions as often as necessary if any behaviour modification is to be achieved. And I mean often. Like, a lot. With much yelling.

Reserve:
Third round draft pick AND a younger, less expensive but above all, smarter horse of similar mien and temperment.

Lot #29: Free to a good home.

Reserve:
Um...some pucks would be nice. Maybe some tape. OH! And cookies...peanut butter, preferably.

Lots #17 & #45: Our last, and only combined lot of the evening. Whether through some comical miscommunication or gross misrepresentation on the part of the original seller, these two swayback mares were acquired by the Head Groomsman completely by accident. We'll let these two go on the cheap.

Reserve:
Please take them. Pretty please?
*All transactions must be finalized no later than March 4th, 2009. Cash, or certified cheque only please. No returns, exchanges or refunds. All sales final.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

brilliant

Gino Vannelli said...

Wild horses could not drag me away from your blog (ginov.com).

Meaghan said...

Glad Lot 19 isn't for sale, but what do you suppose they'd want for Lot 22?

Anonymous said...

As much as everything hurts right now, at least this was a funny way to discuss what should probably be done.

Habsfan10 said...

Montreal would like to be notified if Lots 11 or 15 ever come up.