Excuse Me, Mister Garrioch? Why Are You Dragging Us Into This?

A friend of mine told me the other day that he's developed a theory on how Boo Boo writes his columns. It goes something like this. Step 1: Down 26oz. bottle of absinthe. Step 2: Scribble series of ridiculous rumours flights of fancy hallucinations “story ideas” on a bunch of bar napkins, which are then placed in a circular pattern on the table. Step 3: Spin empty bottle to determine subject. Steps 4 through 6: Flashback to painful adolescence and engage in awkward closet grope with fellow barfly; file random series of misspelled words with editor; stagger home. Repeat as necessary.

And the proof, as they say, is in the manure pile:

Mats Sundin in a Senators uniform? It may never happen, but it won't be for lack of trying on Ottawa's part...two league sources told Sun Media yesterday that Senators GM Bryan Murray has made at least three calls expressing his club's interest in the centre.

My God Bruce!! What a fantastic scoop! Three whole calls! Wow. I for one am shocked, SHOCKED, that The Bryan would bother doing his job and make any contact whatever with the Sundin camp, at any point, especially for so trivial a reason as simply getting a better idea on what Mats may, or may not be planning on the extremely thin chance he could improve his hockey club.

Prithee, oh great sage, whatever could be standing in the way of such a coup?

The Senators, who have already committed about $52 million of the $56.7-million salary cap for next season, would have to make another move to free up space to add Sundin.

Ah, yes. I see. In order to free up sufficient cap space to match the twenty million dollar offer Vancouver already has on the table, The Bryan would have to trade away or cut the bottom two lines, three defencemen and most of the janitorial staff, and replace them with homeless meth addicts willing to work for food.

But surely, with a deal your sources insist is possible...surely, the Sundin camp is willing to compromise for a chance to finally lift the Grail?

"I'm not going to confirm or deny that (the Senators) are among the teams interested," [Sundin agent J.P.] Barry...told Sun Media. "If Mats decides that he's going to play, then we'll follow up with the teams that have shown an interest."

Um...okay then. So Bruce...to paraphrase, if I may:

Your "sources" are telling you that based on three phone calls over a five month period, The Bryan is willing to blow up the pretty good if by no means championship caliber (yet) roster he so painstakingly built over the summer to make a last minute play for a 37-year old centre who can't decide whether he even wants to play this year let alone where, and whose agent will neither "confirm nor deny" that an offer has even been made by the Senators despite the fact that it would be in his client's best interest to do so as a broader bidding war can only drive up the price.

Is that about right? Was that the "gist" of the matter, as they say "in the biz"? It is? Great! Anything else you'd like to add? Anything that would, perhaps, serve to save your day's work from collapsing into the fetid, Simmons-esque swamp of putrid hackery? There is? Great! Have at it.

But don't be surprised if Sundin doesn't make a decision before Christmas.

Oh, for Christ's sake. Bruce, I'm begging you. Do not milk this non-story for three months. But if you do, pass me that damn bottle, would you?

Welcome Mats? [Ottawa Sun]