Don Cherry Says You Should Always Watch Your Back Door.

Um, well, here we are, a Saturday night on CBC and everything on the various broadcasts can best be described as a...er...actually...a collective train wreck really.

First: Ottawa/Islanders: Ottawa wins (YAY!!). Broadcast looks like it's being beamed from Mars and Don Whitman is doingthe play-by-play from his mother's basement in Hamiliton...At one point his colour guy (who's name I can't remember for the life of me) is rendered mute because his mike craps out. This means that Don has to carry the game by himself. With predictable (and laughable) results. THEN the screen goes black for about five minutes. Poor Don is totally panicked. His monitor is gone...his side-kick is gone. Watcha gonna do punk?? SHOOT THE HOSTAGE!! Er...no...what you do if you're Don Whittman is recite statistics until either the picture comes back, or your audience begins to threaten your family unless you just SHUT THE FUCK UP!! Um...sorry...I'm better...o.k.....

Second: Leaf/Penguins: After the Sens win (YAY!!) we get shuffled off to Toronto. Just long enough, it turns out, to watch Pittsburgh score with 4 (FOUR!!) seconds left to tie. So we're going to O.T. Great. Just as soon as the nice firemen save the life of the nice Leaf fan who has decided that tonight, in front of a national audience, at a key point in the game, would be a GREAT time to die. Really. I'm not making this up. We're waiting while the T.O. EMT are "resussitating" a Leafs fan. Live. Man...if he lives, he'll be looking for some compped tickets.

Now, ordinarily I'd rather urinate down my own throat than wish for a Laughs win, but this being the time of year when war makes for strange bedfellows, I actually need Toronto to...YEAH!! AND THEY JUST DID!!...the Senators REALLY needed T.O. to take the extra point away from Crosby and Co. to keep home-ice in a likely first round series. Now they have, and all is well. For now. But for you Leaf fans, this doesn't mean we'll be picking out curtains or nothin'....

You may be asking what the deal is with the title. Well let me show you. Ah...Don Cherry and his inadvertant double-entendres of a homersecshul nature. Who says Coach's Corner is safe for the kids?

Update: The guy lived by-the-by, which is really cool, because, among other things, I would have felt really really shitty for making light of it the way I did.

Leaf Nation Salutes Their Champions! Wait…What??

We would be remiss, we think if we neglected to make small mention of the playoff hopes of the Toronto Maple Leafs.

To anyone with even a rudimentary grasp of mathematics, those hopes are slim indeed. To anyone that is, except the good people who run Mapleleafs.com (even the URL is misspelled! Brilliant!). Just some of the…um…totally objective reporting to be found on the site (our intrepid correspondent is Mike Ullmer, who probably just wants to go home and take a long, hot shower):

“The Hurricanes were unable to come up with an answer for the Leafs number one line of Mats Sundin, Ponikarovsky and Nik Antropov. Fair enough, no one has lately and for evidence of that, roll back your mental video tape for the Leafs recent wins.” Er…sure you can remember that far back??

And:

“Tuesday night, the John Ferguson all-stars came up from the chorus and the Leafs moved closer to the Eastern Conference playoffs with a 6-1 hammering of the eighth-place Carolina Hurricanes.” John Ferguson All-Stars…is that like Scott Hamilton’s Ice Capades?

But our favorite is:

“They use satellite and highlight packages around the NHL. No one is lining up for a piece of the Toronto Maple Leafs right now.” Sa-tel-ites?? High-light-reel?? What is this witchcraft of which you speak??

Perhaps the funniest part of the entire site, though, is today’s “poll”: “What makes Chad Kilger such an effective player for the Maple Leafs?” with such breathless possible answers as “Forechecking Ability” and “Strong Skater”

Hmm…must be the same polling firm politicians use when asking us such unbiased and TOTALLY objective questions like: “Which would you rather do? Vote for our candidate or club puppies with a nine iron?”

But for now, your team is still in it, so carry on Leaf Nation, carry on! You’re all just so damned cute.

Unlikely Contributors Lead To Win [mapleleafs.com]

The Noise You Hear Is Valeri Karlamov’s Scream Of Impotent Fury

It would appear that Vladislav Tretiak’s dream of a new Summit Series (which, we have to admit, always looked better to us on paper than in reality…kinda like communism) is now mercifully dead:

“Vladislav Tretiak, the president of the Russian Ice Hockey Federation, recently submitted a letter to the NHL requesting the use of NHL players in an eight game exhibition series pitting Russia's best versus Canada's top players. While the NHL acknowledges the 1972 Summit Series as one of the most significant events in the history of hockey, it won't support or approve Tretiak's interest in bringing it back to life. Instead, the league would rather focus on an ongoing effort to settle a transfer agreement with Russia, which would align one of hockey's world powers with the existing group of federations.”

We think that’s a rather polite way of saying “Hey Comrade! Put down the vodka for a second and get back to helping us rape and pillage the Russian hockey program, would ya?? Jeez!!”

Da, da, we would.

The NHL Says Thanks But No Thanks [TSN.ca]

SI Assures Us That Remainder of NHL Season Totally Unnecessary

In their continuing efforts to impress upon you, mere mortal, the fact that Time Warner is the most powerful presence in the known Universe, the good folks at Sports Illustrated have actually altered the space-time continuum! Behold! The final NHL Power Rankings of the season!

While some may conclude that this is a tad premature considering the season still has two weeks left in it, these people will be exposed as the heretical non-believers they are and punished accordingly. They will be made to watch endless loops of Riffs of Reilly.

Final NHL Power rankings [SI.com]

p.s.: BTW, we’re not at all pissed that they dropped the Senators 8 spots after a 7-1-2 run. Nope. Not at all. Totally cool with that.

If a Man Can’t Have Carnal Knowledge Of A Deer Carcass, The Terrorists Have Won!

On the heels of our Avian Aficionado, comes this delightful story out of the great state of Wisconsin, home of…um…well…cheese and, it would seem, rather unbalanced youth. (Ed. – Morons! YAY!)

SUPERIOR, Wis. (AP) - A 20-year-old man received probation after he was convicted of having sexual contact with a dead deer. The sentence also requires Bryan James Hathaway to be evaluated as a sex offender and treated at the Institute for Psychological and Sexual Health in Duluth, Minn.

And, friends, that’s not even the weirdest part of the story. At the time he was caught in flagrente delicto, our boy Bryan was on probation for…wait for it…killing a horse for the same purpose. The final insult (if this is possible)? He may have to register as a sex offender. Wouldn't you love to be at his next job interview?

"So, Mr. Hathaway. I see you're a registered sex offender. "
"Oh, I'm not one of you're average, run-of-the-mill perverts."
"Hmm-hmm...While that wouldn't normally bother us here at [Ed. -- Jesus Christ!! You're gonna get us sued!!] could you elaborate?"
"Well, I kill large livestock then know them, sir. Intimately, sir"
"Get out of my office Hathaway."

He gets out of jail in December. As a public service, I would suggest that all turkeys be stored in locked freezers for the festive season. You’re welcome.

Man Gets Probation For Dead Deer Sex [My Way.com]

Update: Just to stay with a theme, I draw your attention to this. You know, sooner or later, they’re going to start fighting back. Anarchy of biblical proportions people. Biblical!

Um…Mr. Davis? I’m Not Sure That’s What Randy Meant By “Booty Call”

While this site was primarily intended as a chuckle hut for my musings on hockey (Ed.—And morons…don’t forget the morons), I also have to admit a certain weakness for the game only about 5 percent of the world’s population calls “football”. Specifically, NFL football (we might get into my opinions of the Comedic Football League some time this summer…after the NHL playoffs, between a couple of PGA majors and before baseball heats up…maybe…. Unless I can find something more interesting to discuss. Like goiter).

I’ve been a Washington Redskins fan since the day, as an impressionable young lad of 12, I watched John Riggins run over, around and through the Miami Dolphins in Super Bowl XVII and then heard him dedicate his MVP award to his extraterrestrial mother while slugging back a 40 of Jack at the post-game press conference (Ed. – Um…pretty sure you just made that last bit up, but it is Riggins we’re talking about. We’ll get a fact checker on it.)

But I must confess, for reasons that will remain confidential to protect the identities of the disillusioned, a soft spot for the perpetually touring three-ring circus that is the Oakland/Los Angeles/Oakland Raiders. And by “soft spot” I of course mean “I thoroughly enjoy every step of Al Davis’ gradual descent into madness”. A descent I am only too happy to document from time to time. And this, friends, is one of those times:

ALAMEDA, Calif. (AP) -- The Oakland Raiders have signed quarterback Josh Booty, the former prep star who has been out of football since 2003 and has never thrown a pass in the NFL.

I cannot convey to you the sheer and utter JOY this has brought me this morning. Why? Well consider: The guy’s name is BOOTY for cryin’ out loud! They passed on Matt Leinert and Vince Young in last year’s draft. Hung their hopes on Aaron Brooks (Aaron Brooks!!) Cut Brooks after a…um…disappointing…season. Lose their back-up to free agency. The only QB left on the roster was carrying the clipboard a year ago. Did I mention the guy’s name is Booty??

GAWD that Al Davis! Genius!

Raiders Sign Booty [SI.com]

And An Even GREATER Umbrage Shall…ahhh…screw it.

Well, it took a little longer than I thought it would but…we have a winner!! First into the pool is none other than Colin Campbell, Director of Hockey Operations, renowned former pugilist in his own right, and Bettman Spokespuppet Extraordinaire!

While you can read the whole article here (it’s too long and not nearly amusing enough for my purposes), I’d like to draw particular attention to two things. Firstly, how often he uses the word “scared”. We might need to confiscate his Man Card. And secondly, this little passage:

Today's enforcers are bigger than ever before, so their punches carry more impact, Campbell argues.
''You take a Tiger Williams, you take a Dave Shultz, or even a Bob Probert of the '90s, and you pit them against our players today- our players today are much bigger and stronger and more well-conditioned,'' said Campbell.

Um…well sure. I’d agree with that. If you took the 90’s version of Williams or The Hammer and put them up against…say…Brian McGrattan today, things could get a little messy. But McGrattan/Williams in 1983? I’m putting my money on Tiger…Mostly because McGratten was born in ’81. Hard to fight when you’ve got one hand clutching your Binky.

Time To Look At The Issue of Fighting Says League Disciplinarian [CP via TSN]