Time To Get Your Dingo Monkey Crank On Ottawa!

One to go. One win from the promised land. It is a truly wonderous time to be a Senators fan. Sabres fan? Not so much. From Sabre Report:

"And, at this point, if you haven’t shown up for the first 3 games guys, don’t show up for the 4th. Save everyone a little time and money and let us get back to our lives. I think I’ll be madder at them if they actually win game 4 at this point than if they lose it."

Oddly enough, and precisely because I've been a Sens fan from the very beginning (well, 92-93...1932 is a little fuzzy but I do admire the snazzy threads), I can totally sympathize with the Buffalites. After all, we fairly wrote the book on the terrific-season/suck-moose-cock-come-playoffs.

"The truth is that this team got okay with losing and not working somewhere around January. What happened this week was the comeuppance for 4 months worth of bad habits, and we get to choke on it all summer."

This may not be my place to point this out guys, but, um...there is another game after all. Just sayin...

When I look back on Ottawa's playoff futility of yore, I seem to get particularly hung up on 1999. The reason escapes me, (selective amnesia. YAY!) but whatever the cause, I am suddenly highly aroused at the site of brooms.

Flangerotti!!

Sens and Sabres: Beyond Horrible [SabresReport.com]

They Like Me! They Really Like Me!

Before we go tonight, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the fine gentlemen at Battle of Ontario (Super Happy Fun Game Thread!) and Sherry at Scarlett Ice for adding little ole me to the list of Sens blogs on their respective sites. My first! *sniff*...you guys *sniff*...are awesome. I'm flattered.

I'm hoping to see you guys on the weekend, but I can't promise anything, chock full of Mom's Day stuff as it is. If you get the chance, head over to the game thread at BoO tomorrow night. Be sure to poke Jared with anything emblazoned with Red, Black and Gold, if only to make him giggle like a school girl.

A few things we're musing for posts next week:

-- CBC may not be as couth as Anna Maria Tremonti would have you believe.

-- Darren Dreger, why does he hate so much? Discuss.

-- Where is Pierre McGuire's off button?

Until then, be safe kids. Go Sens, and G'Night!

Abandon Hope Buffalo! Pookie Is Concerned!. Can We Have Our Trophy Now?

If you're like me (and God help you if you are) then you're always interested in what the "other fans" are saying about your team. How did they see the game? What is the general mood after a win? After a loss (always more entertaining)? Can they really be that illiterate?

I was particularly interested in the opinions of Buffalonians (Buffalites?). I've been there a couple of times to attend Bills games and I have to say that, on the whole, I've always found them to be a friendly bunch. That is as long as they think you're on their side. If you're not, however, they will turn on you like a pack of rabid ferrets, albeit ferrets with better language skills (slightly) but with poorer motor control.

All that to say, I was planning a post on the Sabres' fan blogs and how, aside from the expletives, drunken ramblings and bad grammar, they were just like you and me, only dumber. But then life got in the way (see below) and now I've missed the hole shot.

It then occured to me...why would I go through all the research/angst/carpal tunnel when I can simply direct you to those who've already done it, and done it in a way far superior then I ever could?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the post-game 1 Sabre round-up, courtesy of the more then capable scribes at Battle Of Ontario.

Pookie and her oracle. Beautiful work gentlemen. Simply beautiful.

On Effort, Omens, Goalies, and Magic Switches [Battle of Ontario]

Hey, This Interweb Thingy Still Works! Cool!

For the one of you who may stumble across this site from time to time on the way to free Girls Gone Wild thumbnails and wonder where the hell I've been for a week...well, let's just say that working for a living blows, and leave it at that.

Not that I haven't pined for you, dear misled reader. Oh, I have. But things just kept getting in the way. So without being maudlin...and by that I mean without being a seething cauldron of pent up rage and impotence...I will simply say "Oh MAN, the comedic potential of the last week was immense and I MISSED IT!!" and leave it at that. To wit:

• My favorite collumnist, after having his "Sundin is done!" story shot down in flames, came across as the petulent child he is on a guest appearance of TSN's Off The Record (the slouch was particularly funny).

• The New Jersey Devils, after their five game demolition at the hands of the Mighty Gigantic And Magnificent Ottawa Senators (YAY!), immediately began to look forward to next year by pointing fingers at, in order, their future Hall Of Fame goalie, their invisible euro-captain and the Don Corleone/Pillsbury Dough Boy love child himself, who fired the coach with two games to go, and took over. As a distraction to its passionate fan, the club reminded him that it could be worse. They could be moving to Newark. Wait...what?

• Sunday's edition of TSN's The Reporters featured the panel lamenting on the low scoring in this year's playoffs, putting forward so many idiotic ideas (Make the nets bigger! Go to 3-on-3! Spot the Leafs a two goal lead every game!*), I was in serious danger of a stroke brought on by the flood of potential post topics they were generating. Then a thoroughly enjoyable screaming match erupted over the Shane Doan Affair, in which I was fully expecting (and desperately hoping for) a Damian Cox leap across the desk, Jim Everett like, and throttle Simmons all the while screaming "the fucking camera is over THERE DUMBASS!!" Yeah...that would have been sweet.

• Finally...the unstoppable force that is Oleg Suprykin. Buffalo now quakes before him, erecting statues in his honour lest the people anger their new god.

There were many other things that streaked across my consciousness this week, but alas, I was powerless to unleash my inner smart ass by twisting them into empty, barely recognizable, but entirely more entertaining husks of themselves. So much work, so many idiots, so little time.

* May have been fabricated by an imaginative wombat. Maybe. I'll have to ask.

Newark Crime High, Study Says [New York Times]

No surgery for Leafs' Sundin: report [CBC.ca]

Hysterical Learnings For The Make Betterment To Glorious Nation Of Quebekistan

They, whoever the hell “they” are, say that we get the government we deserve. Until the 2004 U.S. Presidential elections, this was not a maxim in which I put much faith (sorry Yanks, but c’mon…you elected the guy again??). I now wonder what in the name of all that is holy did we Canucks, the peaceable and reasonably sane people we are, ever do to deserve this bunch of clowns.

OTTAWA (CP) - Hockey Canada officials launched an impassioned defence of their decision to appoint Shane Doan captain of Team Canada at the World Hockey Championships.
Hockey Canada chief Bob Nicholson told a parliamentary committee Thursday that a racial slur was certainly uttered during a 2005 NHL game but said it was not Doan who uttered it.

The surreal spectacle of hockey officials being grilled by politicians played out in a stately chamber on Parliament Hill, beneath a solemn portrait of the Fathers of Confederation.

The sheer volume of idiocy in this entire affair cannot but boggle the mind. Consider:

At the behest of the baying hounds on the Hill, Bob Nicholson flies from Russia (the cost of which it should be assumed, will be picked up by the taxpayer) to “explain” why Shane Doan was named captain of the national team.

The alleged slur against “those fucking frenchies” is almost two years old.

The NHL conducted it’s own investigation, again almost two years ago, and concluded that while they were fairly sure something to that effect had been uttered during the game, they were also fairly certain Doan didn’t say it.

Never the type of people to let the truth get in the way of histrionic hyperbole, federal members of Parliament demand an investigation. And here, we should note that the lead Hysteric is a member, while drawing a healthy salary from Canada, belongs to a party whose state aim is to break Canada into three easy pieces.

With the noxious fumes of a snap election wafting in the air, the other parties follow suit like lemmings over a cliff, and soon the torches and pitchforks are out all over Centre Block.

And finally, because I can’t make this point strongly enough: It has not been proven that Doan even said anything at all!

Leaving aside for the moment that one cannot make “racist” remarks against a group of people who don’t constitute an actual “race”; we have been treated to the sight of a private citizen, dragged through the mud for something he didn’t do for the political gratification and benefit of others.

I wanted to be funny. I truly did. And I tried really, really hard. But as I was writing this, my rage got ahead of me.

And so, on behalf of every right-thinking Canadian, I say this: I am ashamed. I am ashamed of the way Shane Doan has been treated. And I am ashamed to have voted for anyone in this group of self-serving, bottom-feeding, scum-sucking self agrandizing parasites who deign to call themselves Honourable Members.

Hockey Canada officials defend Doan's captaincy [Canoe.ca]

Hey Look! It's Bob McKenzie! And He Has A Badly Informed Opinion! Um, Sort Of. Almost. Gosh!

We have seen it a thousand times. A thousand times, from every conceivable angle, in every possible context, computer enhanced, blown up, and digitally mastered. And in every single circumstance, we are left...NAY!...we must come to but one conclusion. There was more than one shooter on the grassy knoll...Wait, what?!?

Now some of you may be aware of the simmering controversy (by which I mean there will be several strongly worded emails in NHL inboxes today from Conswella, the Brodeur's cleaning lady. At least three. Maybe four.) that Tom Preissing's goal last night, which ultimately proved the winner, should not have counted due to goaltender interference committed by Mike Fisher. Of course New Jersey thinks it was, Ottawa doesn't and this fan thinks Marty paid the price for a badly executed dive attempt (pssst...it helps if you fall down...just sayin'...).

Well fret no more children as none other than Robert "The Scottish Don" McKenzie weighs in with the definitive interpretation...sort of...well, maybe not...wouldn't want to risk the whole "Insider" status... Um...ENJOY!

Now based on our own analysis, there could have been a 'no-goal' call based on goaltender interference.

Rule 69.4 of the NHL's rule book states, "If an attacking player initiates any contact with a goalkeeper, other than incidental contact, while the goalkeeper is outside his goal crease, and a goal is scored, the goal will be disallowed."

Now Brodeur was situated with one foot outside his own crease and Fisher was also outside of the crease. The only debate is whether there was incidental or intentional contact. When the referee sees that clearly under normal circumstances, he could blow the whistle and disallow the goal without a penalty because the goalie was simply not able to do his job.

Your honour, please note that the witness says that there "could" have been a no-goal call, not that their "should" have been one. Also, we would like to draw the court's attention that the same scintillating decisiveness is demonstrated by the sentence "he could blow the whistle and disallow the goal...".

But finally, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you to consider the statement that "because the goalie was simply not able to do his job" the goal should not have counted. Are we, ordinary hockey fans, to assume that this and this alone should be a basis to disallow a goal? Well I would submit the following: Ottawa enters the Devils zone on the rush. Mr. Brodeur, without any provocation, strips down to his jock strap, breaks into "Three Little Girls" from "The Mikado" and throws himself at the timekeeper, resulting in a 0.2 second delay in clock operation. The Senators subsequently score on that rush, a rush where the goalie "was simply not able to do his job". Should that goal be called back?

Please examine the tape. Back...and to the left. Back...and to the left. Back...and to the left. This was a goal.

G'night!

What's A Goal, What's Not A Goal [TSN.ca]

So, Mister Sundin. Will That Be Strained Carrots Or Mushy Peas Today?

As you may have heard, Mats Sundin, fearless and follicly challenged captain of the Maple Leafs, may require career ending hip surgery. I’ve never really detested Mats all that much, certainly not as much as I’ve come to detest most of the other people/animals/paedophilic janitors who’ve been involved with the Toronto Maple Leafs over the years.

Sure, I’ve hated him on the…ahem…rare occasions the Laughs knocked Ottawa out of the playoffs, and I can’t say I was all that fond of him after his little stick in the crowd tantrum, but detest him? On a Darcy Tucker, I-yearn-to-travel-back-in time-to-abort-his-freshly-conceived-zygote level? No, it’s never gotten that bad.

Which is why I’m of two minds on his impending possible retirement. On the one hand, well the guy is a Leaf after all. He had ample time to remedy that character flaw between the day he was traded for Wendy Clark and today. I’m sure there were any number of teams in the intervening years who found themselves in dire need of a bald, surly centre and would have been happy to sign him. But he chose to stay with the Evil Empire, so I’m tempted to let him lay in the bed he made.

On the other hand, Swedes (and this goes for all Swedes, up to and including their morose but incredibly hot women) are impossible to dislike that much. Consider: when was the last time you worked up a really furious lather during a Canada-Sweden game? Right! Never! Even when Canada got their ass handed to them 5-2 in the 2002 Olympic opener, we were all “Oh, that’s okay, its Sweden. They’re so cute, all tucked away up there next to Norway and Denmark…and Santy Clause”.

Granted things may have been different if it had been the Gold medal game (severed reindeer heads in Peter Forsberg’s bed spring to mind, but that might only be me). But it wasn’t, so we didn’t.

Which leads me to conclude that if this is the Cup-less end for Mats, I’ll feel a (very faint) twinge of pity for him and will always remember him as a quiet leader who was as classy as he could be and still stay on any team coached by Pat Quinn. Good luck Mats. But do go gently into that good night.

Sundin Needs Surgery [Toronto Sun]

Update: Battle of Ontario has a great take on various spins on this. I love conspiracy theories!

Update #2: Yes, I am aware of the irony in slagging Simmons on Sunday and then using his article on Tuesday, thank you very much. I didn’t say the boy couldn’t type, just that he couldn’t write. Big difference.