Alexei Yashin Will Take His Ball And Go Home

As some of you may recall, we had the pleasure a little while back, of travelling through that wondrous alternate universe that is the mind of Mark Gandler, agent to Ottawa's favourite ass pimple, Alexei Yashin, and his musings about a triumphant return to the Senators. Well hold on children, because we are entering the land of Nod one more time.

It would appear that dear Alex is finding the task of securing gainful employment rather difficult, and Gandler is mystified as to why that would be. And he's getting rather pissy about it.

Alexei Yashin, according to his agent Mark Gandler, is not happy with the contract offers he has received from NHL teams.

''We are still talking to some teams. So far the offers we have received we are not happy with,'' Gandler said in an interview with CKNW Radio in Vancouver. ''If we are not going to get what we are looking for, then he (Yashin) will definitely go to Russia.''

''I think that what's making an impression on the teams is the fact that he received this huge buyout. I don't know what else is weighing on them.''

Like me, I'm sure you're detecting the musky odour of collusion in this tragic turn of events. How else to explain the fact that a proven warrior and staunch team player like Alexei Yashin, a man as true to his word as any who has ever walked the face of this earth, remains without a team to call his own. This, ladies and gentlemen borders on the criminal, and it cannot, nay, MUST NOT go unchallenged!

Fear not Alex, I'm with you! On behalf of all right thinking hockey fans, I demand an independent third party launch an immediate investigation into how, in this day and age, the market for lazy, selfish, lying, underachieving, parasitic, cancerous man-children is being artificially held down by the League and those dastardly owners hell bent on receiving value for money.

We will not stand for this Gary. I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that the fate of the known Universe, your entire League and Carol Alt's shoe allowance all hang in the balance. Do the right thing, Gary. FREE ALEXEI!

Agent: Yashin not happy with offers [TSN]
Hey Yash, What's That Smell? [Five For Smiting]

Hey Yash, What's That Smell?

As I gradually emerged from my self-imposed hiatus, refreshed, rejuvenated and with a markedly higher tolerance for alcohol, I began to scan NHL headlines searching for a post subject worthy of being the first out of the chute following that bit of unpleasantness in California.

The Daffys parade in a parking lot before an adoring "crowd" that was even smaller than the average Anaheim season gate? Too easy. And way too infuriating. How about the annual "Who should we keep/sign/have strung up?" debate currently swirling around the more serious interwebs? Too much work. Okay then... how about Canada's own serial poacher Jim "Don't blame me for the crackberry" Baisillie's (second) not so subtle attempt to piss off the Leafs? Close, but not quite.

Then what to my wondering eyes should appear but the delusional stylings of one Mister Mark Gandler, and his favourite tiny reindeer.

Now this particular reindeer tore up three perfectly good contracts with the Senators. This reindeer held out on the Senators twice, once for an entire season. This reindeer was indifferent at best from October to April, and vanished without a trace once the playoffs started and his paycheques stopped coming. This reindeer was run out of town on a rail (while unwittingly helping us to absolutely sodomize the Islanders, true...but still) by most right-thinking Senators fans. And now this reindeer...wants to play here...again.

Said Mark Gandler, Yashin's New Jersey-based agent, yesterday: "It would be sweet (for him) to come back and help Ottawa (win the Stanley Cup) ... (and) restore relationships he had there. It would be a movie-like type of return."

Which movie Gandler may be referring to could be a matter of some delightful debate (Saw and Texas Chainsaw Massacre are my leading candidates), and we all know that this will never, ever happen*.

I'm sure I speak for a majority of the Sens Army when I offer a hearty THANK YOU to the great Mistress Karma for this gift. But in the spirit of compassion and caring, Alexei, we wish you only the best, and offer you the helpful suggestion that there are other leagues in dire need of petulant man-children. Just remember they drive on the left and you'll be fine.

Then again, as an overrated Russian who's way past his prime and whom Ottawa fans loathe to the core of their beings, don't be surprised if you get a call from the Leafs.

*Note to Mucks: If this does happen, I will personally soak all of my Senators gear in the urine of a thousand goats and pile it on your desk. With you under it. Just so we're clear.

Ottawa Looks Good To Alexei [Ottawa Citizen]