In Quest For World Domination Eugene Melnyk Does Not Tolerate Almost Winning

So, you’ve built a hockey team that came within three victories of winning it all! What are you going to do now?? Well, if you’re John Muckler, you head for the nearest unemployment office.

In a move that reveals, yet again, the loving, warm and fuzzy face of professional sports, our Benevolent And All Knowing Overlord has encouraged (former)GM John Muckler to “pursue other opportunities outside of the organization”. And by “encouraged” I of course mean, “standing in office with shotgun screaming GET THE HELL OFF MY LAWN!”) The token offer of another role with the team (Hey Mucks! Those towels dry yet?), having been refused, Emperor Magnificent is free to buy Bolivia as a retirement gift, shake his former serf’s hand, and send him on his way.

While there are many theories floating around as to why Melnyk did this, most of them eloquently enunciated here, this one is by far, the most amusing. Apparently, since His Overlordship doesn't actually know how old Muckler is, trusting him to run the franchise for another year is impossible:

Now no one will admit this, but Muckler's age also has a hand in this. Reports are he's 73, but there's no record of that given that the hall of records in the town he was born, Paris, Ontario, burned down many years ago and anyone officially checking on Muckler's true age was simply out of luck. There are reasons to believe he's considerably older than 73 and though that shouldn't matter, it's likely that it does.

Of course it matters! How could it not? One day Mucks is in heated negotiations with a player's cockroach agent, and the next he forgets he was trying to cook scrambled eggs in the toaster while rambling on about last night's whiskey jag with Connie Smythe. Meanwhile, you find out that he's signed the starting goalie to a ten year contract. Madness! But at least it explains his proclivity for chiseling contracts onto stone tablets.

So goodbye and Godspeed John. May it forever be 1984 wherever you may roam.

P.S.: Well Bryan, it's your show now, just like you wanted. If it blows up, you get to wear it. And, by the way, this still stands. Goats, Bryan. Thousands. Think about it.

Muckler Out, Murray In [Sportnet.ca]

Name of the Game (Jim Kelley) [Sportsnet.ca]

Hey Yash, What's That Smell? [Five For Smiting]

In Unrelated News, Panama City Awarded Expansion Franchise

In a plea agreement reached with the New Jersey State prosecutor, it appears that Rick Tocchet won't get any jail time for running what has been described as "an illegal gambling ring". Gary Bettman remains suspiciously silent.

Personally, I don't much care about Tocchet's gambling habits. We've all joined a sports pool or two. Hell, some of us *cough* may be of passing acquaintance with...um..."independent wager facilitators."

He swears he's never bet on hockey. Does that mean I believe him? Hell no. Does it matter? Hell no. Why? Well, unlike a certain All Star baseball player, cum manager, cum pariah, Tocchet's Hall of Fame potential is basically zero. Two? The guy's in Phoenix for crying out loud. If he fixed a game to make sure the Coyotes would lose, how would you be able to tell?

Nope, the only reason I bring it up is that it gives me the opportunity to post the picture you see here. I have to confess, I find the uniforms of the New Jersey State Police absolutely hilarious.

Manuel Noriega gets out of prison in September. I think he may want his clothes back.

Tocchet Pleads Guilty to Gambling Charges [TSN.ca]