Hi Mom! Having A Great Time! The Police Here Are Really Ni-OW OW OW OW!

For the second time in a month, we turn our attention to soccer, only this time, instead of mocking weak girly men for falling down too much, we focus on weak girly men and the cool, dispassionate manner in which participants at the highest level conduct themselves. Soccer moms, take note:

TORONTO (CP) - The president of FIFA says the ruling body of soccer will take "adequate actions" following a brawl involving the Chilean team at the FIFA U-20 World Cup in Toronto. Sepp Blatter told CBC Newsworld today the incident is a "black mark" on what had been a successful tournament.

As an aside, I love FIFA press releases, if only because it affords me the opportunity to type “Sepp Blatter”.

Anyway, after having two of their players thrown out of the game and 30 of the 53 fouls assessed called against them in a 3-0 loss, our Andean heroes expressed their displeasure through a spirited debate with “hundreds of angry fans” gathered near their bus. The thing was, between the fans and the team stood a large number of local policei (who were there, it should be noted, because they had earlier been forced to keep the team away from the game officials). And they had their own yellow card:

A member of the Chilean delegation was subdued by Taser during the brawl. It was not immediately clear if he was a player or a team official.

When all is said and done, this could lead to a major breakthrough in soccer’s popularity in Canada. From all accounts, this wasn’t your father’s soccer brawl, full of flailing legs and limp-wristed bitch slaps. Actual, real punches were thrown. Blood flowed. A little more of that during, say, a Toronto FC game, and MLS might have a chance here.

Barring that, then Five For Smiting respectfully requests that Sepp Blatter (WEE!) allow all on-field officials to carry their own Tasers. It may not clean up the diving, but it'll make those Uruguay-Bolivia games a lot more fun to watch.

FIFA To Take Action After U-20 Melee [TSN.ca]
Bend It Like Nate Kaeding [Five For Smiting]

Update: Over the course of the weekend, we were treated to the spectacle of a full blown international incident as the Chilean government wrote a strongly worded letter to the Canadian Ambassador in Santiago over the "abominable brutality suffered by our boys at the hands of the Toronto police", accompanied, naturally, by requisite photos of one of these poor dears showing off what could have been a welt on one shoulder. Then again, it might have been a big pimple. At least we know where those little boys get their class and ability to lose with grace and dignity.

So, Senor El Presidente, in order to help foster warmer relations and maintain diplomatic ties between our two proud nations, please allow me to state the following on behalf of my fellow Canadians: Get fucking bent. Strap on some skates, candyasses, and we'll show you what a man's sport looks like.

Jerkoff Of The Day…So...Um... How Does A Former District Attorney Fare In Pris -- Oh! I see. That's Gonna Leave A Mark.

This has nothing to do with hockey, but I felt the need to add my nickel to this story, as well as avail myself of the opportunity to haul the Asshole of the Day tag out of the closet. The rape case against the three members of the Duke lacrosse team have been dropped and the players can now rest easy, free to imagine how they’ll be spending former DA Micheal Nifong’s money following the civil suit.

The North Carolina state bar filed ethics complaints against Nifong in December and January, accusing him of withholding DNA evidence from the players' defense attorneys and of "making misrepresentations to the presiding judge."

Other ethics complaints said Nifong had made inappropriate comments to the media about evidence, testimony, and the students' character and credibility. Nifong will be tried by the bar in June and could be disbarred if he's found guilty, AP reported

This was the perfect storm of rich, white, very drunk fratboys, a crack ho, and a bottom feeding lawyer’s political ambition. Based on what I’ve heard and read, I personally believe that something happened in the house that night, but also that the three players brought up on charges had nothing to do with it. The biggest angle to this is the sleazy, unethical, totally unacceptable conduct of Nifong.

Of course when the players' group of equally bottom feeding lawyers say that the accuser won’t be included in any suit because she’s a “troubled soul”, you know that they actually mean is "because she has no money”.

Shakespeare was right after all.

Duke Charges Likely To Be Dropped [CNN.com]