The First 10,000 Fans Get A Free Kevlar Vest!

Speaking of last night's invisible Sens game (4-1 Ottawa, another win, 9-1, ho-hum) Five For Smiting would like to congratulate the New Jersey Devils on opening their new arena. By all accounts, it's rather impressive, if not quite finished.

When the New Jersey Devils and Ottawa Senators arrived for the first-ever skates at the $375-million Prudential Centre yesterday morning, they had to dodge arena workers yielding power tools and driving forklifts, installing the final sections of seats and glass.

In the bowels of the arena, stray electrical wires were left danging from the ceiling, rolls of new carpeting remained untouched and painters were desperately trying to cover up plaster with a fresh coat of paint.

Completely understandable New Jersey. Even if you did have almost two years to build the thing, we know how those interminable mob squabbles over window treatments and fabric patterns can throw a schedule completely out of whack. I mean, finding a spot to bury the bodies dug up to pour the foundation alone must have taken months.

And the choice of location was truly inspired. Yep, I know if I had $375 million burning a hole in my wallet, Newark would be the first place I'd look to spend it. And judging by last night's attendance numbers which were...um...not quite a sell out...your fans are equally ecstatic (as an aside, a small suggestion , if I may. If you want to draw more people, I'd forget about free calendars and funny hat giveaways. Put your money into police escorts to the concession stands. Just sayin'...)

So, again, congrats Devils! You've finally shaken the swamp gas from your boots and have an actual city to call your own. Devils' fans are giddy with the prospect that future Cup parades will take place in Newark, on real streets, instead of a giant parking lot. Of course, it will go screaming past them at about 80mph, running red lights with the windows up and the doors locked, but hey! It's a start.

New Home Is Heaven For Devils [Ottawa Citizen]

We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Raving Lunatic

The Running Smart-Assness of the 2nd and 3rd periods will not be available. Unfortunately the author is filled with fear and loathing for what he imagines is about to transpire and the Five For Smiting legal department has deemed a hiatus necessary to mitigate any potential libel issues. We apologize for the inconvenience.

In a completely unrelated note, Five For Smiting would like to offer an apology to Bill McCreary and his family. You are not, in fact, a fuckstick. You are an idiot.

Thank you,

Five For Smiting LLC

Game 2, Period 1 -- We Thank You For Disgracing Our Nation

-- Of the 79 people in the stands in Jersey, a small few are booing the Canadian anthem. Alffie says to self: "Hey, are we were playing this game in Montreal?"

-- Rather pedestrian version of the Star Speckled Banana. Might be because the singer is a fat white guy. C'mon, would it kill ya to go a little Mariah for a bit?

-- I sit corrected. They just mentioned that the game was actually sold out. First sell out this year too. Congrats Swamp Dwellers! Of course you deserve a team...especially one that has won 3 cups in 10 years. Winnipeg is very happy for you.

-- Here we go...

-- Millen mentions Brodeur has a brand new glove. Well I guess he fixed that little 4-goals-to-the-glove-side problem, now didn't he?

-- Goal Jersey on the PP. And we now settle in for three hours of trap hockey...

-- Rayzor does not look sharp...0-8 looms, me thinks. Don't panic. We'll be okay...as long as the beer holds out.

-- Bob Cole keeps referring to Ottawa as "they", but the inflection is hilarious. Kind of like the way your 73 year old aunt refers to gay couple who just moved in next door..."Well, THEY're very affectionate...aren't THEY?" Hey...come to think of it...I think Bob Cole is my 73 year old aunt!

-- Are you fucking kidding me?!?!? Jersey goal with two goddamn TENTHS of a second in the period! SUMBITCH! On a 5-on-3 to boot. A 5-on-3, it should be noted, was the result of an absolute BULL-FUCKING-SHIT!! slashing call on Fisher. Hey McCreary!! Why don't you check with Neil and Volchenkov and their partially severred hands if you want to know what a fucking slash is you fuckstick!

-- Man...I gotta calm down.

Eastern Semi, Game 1, 3rd Period -- Random Thoughts From A Very Nervous Mind

--HEY!! Axe Shower Gel People!! For the VERY last time, I would much rather see Maria do the girl's backside than some greasy fry guy! Get it?!? Um...but keep that Schoolgirl/Beach/Sorority/Poker commercial. That was very, very...er...interesting. And warm.

--GOAL! Redden! Breathing...loosened...bronchial tubes...clearing...acne...remains.

--Where the hell are all the fans?? Hey Lou! There's probably some of those Oscar seat-fillers around and looking for work. Do something would ya? I mean...Jeez...this is just embarrassin'...

--12 minutes left and we are now in Trap Hell. Ottawa to protect a two goal lead...and Jersey, well, mostly because the team has been together so long they don't know how to play any other way. If you listen close you can hear t.v. sets all over the Greater Trenton Area being turned off. And Gary Bettman weeping. You can hear that too. Suhhhweeeeeet....

--8 minutes left. CBC is plugging a soccer game, and then it hits me: Hey,Toronto has a Major League Soccer team!! Well, good for youuuuu!! How adorable. Good luck with that. Really.

--7 minutes to go and Jersey just about scored on an exact replica of Friesen's Game 7 goal in 2003. I sense the Karmic Fates aligning against us. I tell ya, you plop your home arena in ONE Indian burial ground...I mean...C'MON! We said we're sorry!!

--5 minutes to go. I would probably buy one of those And-And-AND Bars...but then again, I'm just a 36 year old brainwashed by corporate whores for most of his --WHERE'S THE BEEF!!--life.

--4:30 left. Just saw an update: San Jose is beating Detroit 2-0, in Hockeytown. The Wings equipement guys have locked Stevie Y in a closet to keep him from getting on the ice. "Dammit Steve, when the Wings retire a number, they fucking MEAN it!!"

--1:25 left. Time out Jersey, Brodeur on the bench. Reminded of Bowser And Blue. What does a Canadian call choking the chicken? Pulling the goalie.

--29.2 seconds...Goal Jersey. Oh. My. Fucking. God. This is NOT happening. 5-4 Sens.

--0:06...faceoff outside Jersey line. Spezz wins it.

--Aaaaaannnnd....scene! Jebus-Jumped-Upped Christ on a side car. WAY closer than that had any right to be...and yet, oddly anti-climactic. We're up 1-0 in the series, taken home ice away, and can expect to get right clobbered in game two on Saturday.

With that, I will bid you a good evening. I'll get my head around almost blowing a four goal lead, I'll google some funny (and very offensive) reference material involving New Jersey/Trenton/the Mafia and/or Lou Lamiarello and be back tomorrow. Big picture kids...5 wins. 11 to go.

G'Night!

Well This Is Obviously Don Cherry's Fault. Right? Am I Right People?

This is actually my fourth attempt at this post. It was 4-0 and we were flying high! Then it was 4-3 and we were sinking low. The Lucifers (yeah, I know, pretty lame. I'll try to do better before the end of the series) pressed and pressed but the second ended at that same 4-3 score. So after the high and the low, we settled for the creamy middle.

As I catch my breath, nervously awaiting the third (and flipping through my rolodex for Crazy Voodoo Priestess Woman...oh, we're not finished yet Brodeur. Oh no. Not by a long shot. You and me.), I go through the first two periods in my head, looking for the turning point. Where was the spark that got Jersey going? And then it hits me: Don Cherry said the game was over. After the first period.

So, the inevitable conclusion here, is that if we lose, it's the Leafs fault!

I knew it! See you after the game. I hope. Unless the Leafs get to me first...