And Moses Sayeth Unto Them: "Behold, The Holy Land, Which I Giveth Unto You. Now Piss Off. I'm Outta Here!"

If you'll indulge me for a moment (HA! Like you have a choice!), I'd like to bid a fond adieu to one Mr. Will Leitch, author, renaissance man, gadabout, founding editor and driving force behind the greatest thing to grace the interwebs since midget porn, Deadspin.com, who is moving on to other things.

When I started this here chuckle hut just over a year ago (a start directly inspired by Deadspin, I should add), my overriding thought, my mission statement if you will, was "Be Like Will". The tone for most, if not all, of my best posts came from reading and re-reading that day's DS before ever putting fingers to keyboard, on the off chance that I might find and borrow a small bit of the magic in Will's language and humour. Sometimes, not often mind you (I'm not that good), but sometimes, it worked. And it felt magnificent.

So to Will...though I've never met you, spoken to you, emailed you or even know you from anything outside of the 8 to 10 posts you've written so brilliantly every day for the past three years, I just want to say thanks. Thanks for letting me watch what you do so well, and use it as inspiration to pick up a hobby I've long dreamed of, but until then, never had the nerve to try.

Good luck, Dear Leader. Deadspin will go on, but it won't be the same without you. Oh, and hell to 'da Naw.

CBC To Little Old Lady: "Cat Food Is Yummy! Oh, And Thanks For Everything!"

I'll say this for CBC Sports (Hi Nancy! Long time no see!). They certainly know how to generate hockey buzz in the off season, even if that off season is less than 21 hours old. Normally they would wait until July to pull something this stupid.

At 12:34 p.m. this afternoon, a little item went up on the CBC website to the effect that Hockey Night In Canada would not be renewing the licensing agreement to it's own iconic theme song (they were no doubt reacting to an earlier report in that bastion of balanced journalism, The Toronto Star -- H/T to Four Habs Fans), a song written especially for them in 1968 by Dolores Claman, and one that has become, through some kind of genetic mutation, Canada's unofficial "second national anthem".

Try as they might to bury it between a link to the day's soy futures and a five part series written by David Suzuki about how David Suzuki is such a genius he deserves to be canonized by Saturday, those pinko commie astute CBC readers found it. The reaction was swift, and severe. 389 comments (and counting) were left on the site, almost universal in their condemnation. To put that number into perspective, that's roughly three times the average number of listeners tuned to CBC Radio 2 at any given moment.

At 5:26 p.m., a "clarification" was posted, saying that "Oh no no no, you have it ALL wrong! We're still in negotiations!"

Contrary to published reports, CBC Sports hasn't yet pulled the plug on the Hockey Night in Canada theme song. "We've been reaching out to [Claman] and her representative, and haven't heard back," (Executive director of CBC Sports Scott) Moore said. "We're prepared to do a deal, we're prepared to talk, but we're not prepared to do a deal at all costs."

While there's no mention of nice Mister Moore's reaction when pressed about the evident contradiction in stating that Mother Corps had been "reaching out but haven't received an answer" nearly five hours after Ms. Claman's agents told reporters that they had received a drop dead letter from HNIC the week before, I imagine it involved a shout of "LOOK OVER THERE!", followed by a dive beneath Greg Millen's ego.

Apparently the hang up is money. So let's put our math caps on, shall we?

According to the same report, CBC pays a fee of $500.00 each time the song is played, a number that has remained virtually unchanged in 40 years. To be generous, let's assume that the song is played...oh...40 times a season (20 regular season games...remember, they don't repeat it between games of a Saturday double header, and now we know why... plus playoffs). That works out to the princely sum of $20,000.00 for the entire season. The Claman camp is asking for a 15% increase in the fee. Okay...15% of $500 is $75. $75 multiplied by 40 is $3,000.00.

So, in effect, we have a Crown Corporation with an annual operating budget somewhere north of $1.2 billion balking at spending $23,000.00 for something that gives them a level of brand recognition for which McDonald's would cheerfully eviscerate Ronald in front of a room full of preschoolers to achieve. Nicely played, Mother Corps. Nicely played indeed.

To sum up, in the five or so years of Ms. Nancy Lee's stalwart leadership, CBC Sports has, in no particular order:

• a) almost fired Ron McLean before a backlash forced them to surrender faster than the French Army.
  
• b) almost fired Don Cherry until a backlash forced them to surrender faster than the French Army.
• c) actually did fire Chris Cuthbert, their best play-by-play man, and heir presumptive to Bob Cole only to see him walk to TSN for half the work and twice the money.
• d) become so Toronto centric that even the more sane members of Leaf Nation are becoming embarassed.
  
• And finally, e) attempted to nickel-and-dime a little old lady into destitution, not to mention spit in the face of every Canadian hockey fan, over a dollar amount that wouldn't cover Czarina Lee's car allowance for week.

Well, let me tell you, I have never been more proud to be a Canadian taxpayer. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to call my MP and explain to him how "privatization" works.


Last play for Hockey Night in Canada Theme Song? [CBC.ca]
Deal still possible for Hockey Night Song [CBC.ca]
Fire Up Your iPods: HNIC Song Won't Remain The Same [Four Habs Fans]

Marc-Andre's Ass Would Like To Congratulate The Detroit Red Wings!

I can think of a few worse feelings than losing a Stanley Cup on an own-goal. Like...say...getting one's testes caught in a band saw. Or coaching the Laughs.

But really, MAF's posterior exploits aside, the Wings have deserved this win since the first week of October. So congrats Detroit! And thanks! Universal Order has been restored.

Now we can finally start talking about the draft.

Another Refugee Escapes The Dying Of The Light

Speaking of The Universal Cynic, it would seem she is moving on to better things:

And, Finally...The Announcement: Many have asked where the column has been (I've never taken two weeks off in a row). Well, after nearly four years, Sun Media and I have parted company.

While I don't pretend to know the reasons behind the parting of ways, I can't help but think that Sun Media will ultimately regret letting it happen at all. For all of the talk about how traditional print is losing ground to "the new media", it seems rather counter intuitive (that's a polite way of saying "really fucking stupid", by the way) to allow a columnist with solid cred on the interwebs to get away, while at the same time, keeping a talentless hack like Steve Simmons on the payroll. But then again, I'm just an amateur "blogger", so what the hell do I know, right Quebecor?

But here's the best news:

I can say with nearly unwavering certainty that my days with traditional media are over. However, I will soon have an announcement to make regarding my next move. What can I say? You can't keep the Scott Norwood Section down for long.

Damn straight, Erin. You can't. And if traditional media, addled as they are by bean counters citing ad rates and circulation numbers, can't wrap their collective head around that concept, then I have no problem stepping over their bloated corpses on my way to indulging my preference for good writing, no matter where I find it.

For whom the bell tolls [The Universal Cynic]

I'll Take "Painfully Obvious Choices" For $1200, Alex

In light of the glacial pace in which The Bryan's search for a Head Coach seems to be proceeding, I would like to direct your attention to Erin's eminently logical reasoning as to why a certain candidate would be, in her words, "currently the right choice". And I agree with her completely.

That said, for those of you within the organization who may a) have The Bryan's ear, b) have a little trouble with the subtlety of Erin's prose and c) stumbled across my little site while looking for thumbnails of barnyard porn, please allow me to point out our preference in a way that should remove all doubt and most of the ambiguity:


Thank you, that is all.

I Can Haz Ur Captain? How To Win Friends And Stick A Dagger Into The Back Of Your Archenemy

One of the more bizarre reasons being floated around this here series of tubes about why the Sens should hire Pat Quinn as Head Coach is that, in so doing, it will somehow exact some kind of revenge on the Laffs. This affront, the theory goes, will no doubt prompt legions of Leaf fans to drag themselves out of their beer and nacho induced stupors long enough to howl incoherently in impotent fury over the fact that their archenemy somehow stole the best coach they've known since Punch Imlach spent the late Sixties begging Dave Keon to touch his "fedora".

It's an interesting theory (and as Sens fans we have a sworn duty to listen to any and all ideas with an end goal of driving Laff Nation batshit), but when you consider that Patty was basically run out of town on a rail almost three years (and one coach and two GMs) ago for missing the playoffs, it tends to fall apart.

So that may not work the way we'd like. But this sure as hell would:

Mats Sundin raised some eyebrows when he hinted playing for the Toronto Maple Leafs wasn't his only option for next season. The Leafs captain, who accepted the Mark Messier Leadership Award on Wednesday, is an unrestricted free agent July 1.

Now, as many of us gleefully recall, Mats was the key member of the Geritol Cabal who all but sealed JFJ's fate when they refused to waive their no-trade clauses back in February. And now, after denying the Leafs the chance to rebuild, is talking about walking out, leaving the Laffs with nothing but broken hearts, and the fetid stink of eternal crapulence. I like the cut of your jib, son!

Of course, this may all be just a negotiating ploy on the part of the Sundin camp to try and squeeze MLSE for everything they can get, and that he really has no intention of going anywhere (Cliff "Get The Hell Off My Lawn!" Fletcher has announced that he'll be talking to Sundin in a couple of days...or when somebody finds his teeth. Whichever comes first). But if it isn't...

Make this happen Bryan. All it will cost you is a phone call...and roughly 7 to 8 million dollars. Or to put it another way, roughly the same amount you're saving by whacking Redden and Emery from the books. How convenient!

Sure it may not work out. These things rarely do. But if we can't win the Cup next year, please give us, at the very least, the consolation prize of hearing the ACC crowd boo a different Swede for a change. That is if they can stop crying into their beer long enough to do it.

Sundin: Leafs Just One Of Many Options For Next Season [TSN.ca]

My God! Hockey! In June! Oh, The Humanity!

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here...actually, splash that. I do. It's what I (apparently) do best after all.

Some ado has been made, both by desperate sports writers with column space to fill and the chronically clueless (who are, in some cases, one and the same), about how the NHL playoffs go on until June. I have heard your plaints good citizens, and please believe that I mean this in all sincerity when I say: Tough shit. Either suck it up, or rip your fan card and blow it out your ear.

Is there something sacrosanct about the month of June about which I have hitherto been unaware? Will all 30 ice surfaces across the League spontaneously combust, or will the Cup suddenly vanish in a puff of pixie dust at the stroke of midnight on June 1st? No, although I would pay good money to see Gary Bettman turn into a pumpkin. Even if The Finals go seven games, the latest it can end is the seventh of June. So what, exactly, is the big deal?

Are you telling me that after sitting through a six month regular season (the length of that being an entirely different kettle of fish) to get to this, the point where the best hockey is being played with the highest of stakes, you're going to stop watching because it's now "summer"? Or that "June hockey" somehow interferes with your inalienable right to bitch about your begonias?

Come on, people. Who cares? Just enjoy it. I know I will.