I, For One, Welcome Our New Avian Overlords

I will mention it here, and only once. We will be paying for that opening "act" for a long, long time. It wasn't bad enough that we are ridiculed league wide as a soft team who hides behind their mother's skirt at the first sign of a playoff belch (and then proceed to prove the peanut gallery right by playing in just that way...but more on that in a bit), but now...well consider the following exchange:

"Hey, Bob! The wife and I are spending some time in Ottawa!"

"Really? Do me a favour will ya? Find out what the deal is with that Pillsbury dough-boy with the leather diaper and the Bissel mop on his head. You know, the one with the stutter."

So as you read the taunting words contained in this, our last (if the Gods are kind to us) missive from our new friend FrankD of PensBurgh.com, keep in mind that, while his strangely homo erotic closings are a bit awkward (yet strangely flattering) we deserve every single searing word. Our egregious sin in the eyes of Man, God and a vast majority of the world's stage directors demands it.

Dear Ottawa's Finest

Please do me a favor - don't kick off Wednesday night's festivities with that scantly clad dropout actor from the movie 300. That was by far one of the cheesiest thing I've ever seen, and I've seen some big cheese. The least you could've done was make sure his audio worked properly.

But I will say - you guys sure can sing. Nice work on the anthem. I'll always admire the dual anthem introduction.

It really looked like you guys wanted to play hockey on Monday night. I mean, you came flying out of the gate like Rosie O'Donnell at a buffet line - for the first third of the game at least. To see the second period start at a scoreless tie really irked me. But I knew the Pens would come around soon enough.

Ottawa, as you may have noticed, score first. Some guy I never heard of. Was that one of your B-Sens call-ups? I'm just curious. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter much. Especially since the game's hype was focused around Spezza and Alfreddson playing injured/returning from injury, respectively. Funny thing is, I don't recall their presence on the ice.

I saw Hossa though. Remember when you guys had him? I also saw Crosby and Malone and Talbot. All of these guys hit the board with a point or more. I didn't see your stars do much.

Oh yeah - Spezza got a pity assist.

I could continue rambling, but really what's the point? This debacle and sad excuse for a playoff series ends Wednesday night. Perhaps if you're nice Pitt will hand you one out of pity and shake hands at center ice in Pittsburgh. That'd be a nice playoff image.

Polish off those golf clubs.

One love,
FrankD
Pensburgh.com

Be sure to check in on his site from time to time. I'll be sending him my witty retort shortly. Just as soon as I figure out how to apologize grovel surrender maintain a semblance of dignity.

And Now A Word From The Other Side Of The Fence. Well, The Literate Side Anyway

In his continuing effort to at once make us like him and feel absolutely crappy about ourselves, FrankD, editor of PensBurgh.com sent me the following:

Dearest and Lovable Ottawa Fans,

You almost had us there. I mean, really stellar work. I attribute the chance for Ottawa's comeback entirely on Gerber's shoulders. Granted he didn't score any of the goals that tied the game (although that would be amazing), but he sure as hell did his part to keep at least three decent ones out of the mesh in efforts to support a rally. As I said in my recap following the game, if you save 50+ shots a game you expect the win. Not a two goal deficit as the final outcome (empty net goal or not). Had this been a regular season game I'd have said, "That sucks for him." But since it's the playoffs and the last thing I wanted was a tied series heading into Ottawa, I'll say "Good for us."

Now I'm not gonna lie - my heartburn started acting up around the third period. There was a numbness and tingling in my left arm/hand area that I haven't felt in quite some time. When I thought it couldn't possibly get worse, Saint Malone paid a visit and reminded me that all was well in the world. I have since burnt an Ottawa Senators hat on the alter of sacrifice.

Speaking of death, pain and sacrifice; what's the deal with Alfie? Is he coming back, is he sitting out? I mean, injury or not, this is the opportunity for your captain to come flying off the bench and reclaim his position as a leader. That's not to say I'm looking forward to his return. Take your time Alf, take your time.

On the bright side of things, should (when) the Senators fall 3-0, all Ottawa fans can look forward to opening the season against the Pens in Sweden next year. It's weird; two straight playoff series and an opening season together. I'm really feeling a connection with you guys.

Love always and forever,
FrankD
Pensburgh.com

I can't decide which is worse. The monosyllabic, homophobic rantings of my numerous Anonymous "contributing commenters", or the gentle notes of pity and condescension from those Pen Heads who can actually form complete sentences.

I've sent him my two cents about Game 2, so be sure to check out his site. If nothing else, my irrational bravado in the face of all evidence to the contrary means I can never be accused of jumping off the bandwagon. Or of being sane.

Seriously Pittsburgh. Cocky Doesn't Become You. Irrationally Angry Maybe. But Not Cocky

In lieu of a period-by-period post tonight, I thought I'd do something different. Truth be told, I found writing pithy little observations during the game too distracting. And besides, after reading my posts from Game 1, even I was bored. So...while I know this will be terribly disappointing to Jeffery, I'm sure he'll calm down after he gets his bottle.

Instead, I need to (finally) hold up my end of a deal. FrankD, editor of the SB Nation's PensBurgh.com, came to me with an idea that would serve as a cultural bridge between two warring camps, a frank and respectful exchange of ideas if you will, meant to foster good will and understanding. Being the fair and open minded renaissance man that I am, I immediately said "NO WAY!!" I much prefer fora where two groups can feel free to poke each other in the eye and laugh at the discomfort so inflicted.

He was gracious enough to give me the first shot. Here it is. The passionate responses from his readership, both on his site and my own certainly made for an interesting, if somewhat monosyllabic read. And now, I give you the rejoinder:

Dear Ottawa,

Hi. Did you see game one? Pretty nice, eh? Well get used to it. Pittsburgh is going to walk all over you in no more than five games (I'll give room for one with respects to last season). Might I suggest you forfeit game 4? You guys can't afford another injury and frankly it wouldn't look very nice with injured Senators limping along the greater golf courses that Canada has to offer. I will admit though, and this is in total honesty and sympathy, I felt pretty bad for Volchenkov. That shot is not going to sit well, and hope the damage was not too severe. Last I heard it was lacerations. I don't know how bad they are, but if he's anything like Malkin (who took 10 stitches to the face from a Dubinsky skate) he'll be back next game.

But he's not like Malkin - sorry, I couldn't resist.

Roberts vs Schubert. Could it be the forsaken prophecy? As long as the refs don't get in the way this time, you best make your bets that Roberts will rock him. [ED.--Um...not sure the refs "got in the way" so much as "tried desperately to get out of the way but Gary kept ducking behind them"...but that's just me]

You might as well bet on something with a guaranteed win.

Love,
FrankD
Pensburgh.com

Now I ask you, are we to stand for such blatant disrespect no matter how well written it is? NAY, says I!

We're five minutes away from puck drop for Game 2. Keep FrankD's searing words close to your hearts as we hope and pray for Gary Fucking Roberts' imminent destruction. And who knows. Frank keeps lipping off like this, I may have to turn Jeffrey on him. After all, he keeps telling us he's a Devils' fan.

GO SENS GO!!