Joe Corvo: He Is What We Thought He Was!

The interwebs are an amazing invention aren't they? Just think, ten years ago Joe Corvo could have whined to a local reporter in Raleigh about how those big meanies up in Canada hurt his feelings and no one would have been the wiser. He would have been free to go on his merry way, fleece yet another team who may have the crazy idea that they should get a return on their considerable investment, like he did to the Senators, and the Kings before them. Nobody in his former town would have realized just what a pathetic excuse for a hockey player he really was. Yeah...before the internet, life would have been pretty sweet. Today? Not so much:

Corvo acknowledged that his family didn’t like living in Ottawa and being away from home, but said it had more to do the small-town attitude that surrounded the team and the nature of the criticism.

“It’s hard to understand if you haven’t played in Canada,” Corvo said. “The media here at times can be completely ridiculous, the way they can take some of the stories that are nothing and make something out of them.”

So does that mean you'll be cutting a cheque to the team for some of that $5 million you literally sucked out of us? Yeah, didn't think so, fuckstick.

But wait! There's more! If ever we needed more proof that we sent this ass wart to the right place, it lies with "Josh", one of the commenters on the News Observer story:

Corvo does have a valid point, you know. There are some people who thrive when they have the threat of being lambasted by the media hanging over their heads and there are some players that do not.

Um...Josh? North of the border, we have a name for those "who thrive when they have the threat of being lambasted by the media hanging over their heads". Up here, we call them Stanley Cup Champions.

Lord Stanley's Blog [News & Observer]

p.s.: Big ups to the boys at Battle of Ontario for pointing this out.

If Erection Lasts For More Than Four Hours, Please Consult Your Physician

OH! Oh. Oh my heavens. Um...geez this is embarassing. Anybody got a towel? Anybody? How about an old gym sock?

The Ottawa Senators have shuffled the deck in a big way by completing a four-player transaction with the Carolina Hurricanes. The Senators have acquired defenceman Mike Commodore and forward Cory Stillman in exchange for defenceman Joe Corvo and forward Patrick Eaves. [TSN.ca]

Three more Cup rings gets added to the roster, a potential replacement for Reds when he walks/gets pushed under a bus next summer and all it cost us was a guy we were going to lose to a ridiculous offer sheet anyway, and a bunch of ulcer inducing bad pinches, stupid penalties, and dumb-as-a-bag-of-hammers giveaways at the blue line.

But what makes this deal go from "pretty good" to "orgasmic" is the newly liberated cap space that now allows Bryan to sign a certain Swede and his bionic ankle.

As an aside, if the fine folks at Carolina On Ice want to borrow my "Trade Joe Corvo" tag, (and you will, possibly by the end of March), I'll be happy to oblige.

See ya Joe. Who knew you'd be more useful as trade bait than you were on the ice? Oh, that's right. Everybody. That's who.

The Rayzor Chronicles: What Happens In Vegas...Gets Your Ass Traded To Outer Mongolia

Handy man special. Good foundation, fundamentally sound. Needs electrical work (rewiring) particularly in attic. $7 million, or best offer. Inquire: E. Melnyk, c/o Bert's Bar, Rockley, Christ Church, Barbados.

Okay. I think I get it now. Granted, it took me a while, but I just needed a little time to make some sense of it. First I calmed down. I meditated. I pondered. I got mad again. I punched another nun. I calmed down. I slept on it. I wandered through the backyard desert in deep contemplation, wearing only a torn loincloth and subsisting on a diet of locusts and dirt. I prayed. I froze my nutsack. I wandered some more. I even thunk me some. Soon enough, my spirit guide appeared before me in the guise of (NSFW-ish) Ana Ivanovic slathered in baby oil (mental note for all future cold-weather desert wanderings: wear pants).

Gazing upon me with eyes that held the wisdom of a million years, she spoke, each word a drop of cool water on a parched tongue. "Dirt? Really? The dude ain't worth that. And you need to get a life". With that, she was gone. But not before I was filled with the light of inspiration! Thank you Spirit Guide! You have imparted your wisdom and left me with the only logical conclusion. Ray Emery ain't worth dirt! Nor is he worth a lot of other things you're likely to find lying around my backyard desert (you've met my dog, right?). And that's the problem.

Ray Emery's days as an Ottawa Senator are done (Sorry Sherry). We all know this, and I for one rejoice in it. His behaviour hasn't changed, he still doesn't practice hard, he's still the first guy off the ice after practice, he can't stop a stiff breeze and it seems he's also pretty stupid. Two hours to go a distance of 13 miles in a city with the most extensive public transit/taxi system on the planet? Really Ray?

Then there's the off ice stuff. Everybody knows about the tats, and the cockroach and the road rage. But there are also some nasty rumours floating around these here interwebs, children. Darker rumours about Ray and his possible off ice "pursuits". I'll let someone with a bigger readership and deeper lawyer-paying pockets break that little story (that said, I encourage everyone to read Erin's post at the Universal Cynic. Cough, indeed). And now this...again. It's too much Ray. Here's the rub, Sens fans. He can't stay here, but neither can we ship him anywhere else.

Murray doesn't want to send him to the minors. Not because of any compassion he may feel for Ray (lovely, "father knows best" soundbites aside), but because, according to the CBA, he'd have to put him on waivers first. Some other team could claim him on the way down to Bingo, which I think would be a godsend as it would rid us of both the headache and the salary. Yes, it would suck not to get anything in return, but this is strictly a "cut your losses" situation. HOWEVAH!, there's a little wrinkle to the waiver rules. If for some reason he is recalled to Ottawa, he has to clear them again, only this time, if he's picked up by another team, Ottawa is stuck paying half his salary. Even JFJ could work that out to his advantage. Somewhere, Ted Saskin is laughing his ass off.

He's untradeable. Very few GMs not named Mike Millbury would make a deal for a guy who doesn't care about the team, can't stay out of trouble either off the ice or on it, can't play worth a damn, seems to be incorrigible and comes with a 7.5 million dollar cap hit (Hugh Adami at the Ottawa Citizen has an unintentionally hilarious idea how a trade could work...but I'm sure once he sobers up, he'll come to his senses). Add that to the possibility that the aforementioned rumours may be true, bearing in mind that 90% of the league's dirty laundry, common knowledge inside the insular world of the NHL, never makes it into the press, and no GM in his right mind deals for Emery.

So, as far as I can see, the Sens have two options. Send him down to Bingo and let him rot out the rest of his contract there. If someone claims him on the way down, oh well. Or two, buy him out and release him to free agency. In other words, T.O. his ass.

I like option #2 better. Sure we'd take a small cap hit, pro-rated over the next two years. And that would suck. But do you know what would suck even more? Passing up an opportunity to tell Ray that this is all of his doing, he brought it on himself, and that the Ottawa Senators, as an organization, has never, will not now, and will never put up with shit like this from anybody at anytime.

Goodbye Ray. We warned you once about how we fans treat arrogant and irresponsible punks who think they're bigger than the team. Now go home and get your fucking shine box.